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thank you, blueberry, so very much. i'm still working on getting my tooth fixed. yesterday i had an appt., went to the place at the allotted time, but the van (it's a mobile dental clinic) never showed.  found out later it had problems. now i'm at square one, still trying to get in.  ugh! 

i remember a member asking me how do i start being able to cry?  i used shows, at times.  when i began sniffling/crying at something on the screen, there were times when i could turn that on my self and my life and the tears would turn into sobs. it was a very painful experience.

lately, i've been breaking into tears for my own circumstances, w/o any outside 'push'. i've cried 3 times in the past few days for various reasons, and it completely surprised me. this was a different kind of crying than i'm used to - usually tears would only fall for myself if their had been a buildup of situations/circumstances and i 'boiled over' so to speak.  or once when i was pregnant and my hub#1 told me he didn't want to be married anymore. i'm guessing hormones played a big part in that.

i don't know why the tears are coming now. one was for a computer thing i couldn't figure out, which left me feeling helpless and useless.  still hasn't been taken care of, but my D hasn't had time to help me w/ it.  once was last nite when my D suggested we just go to where the dental van will be parked this morning, tell them what happened yesterday, see if they'll fit me in.  then she remembered we have groceries being delivered this morning, and i fell apart, head in hands, tears streaming down my face.  (we did get the delivery time changed, so we'll see what happens w/ the dentist.)

i'm so flat, feel like i'm living a nightmare.  these tears are probably normal, but they feel anything but that. so strange.  i'm overflowing w/ tension and stress and i can feel it. this is too much for me anymore and i'm afraid i'm at last in the beginning stages of shutting down.

love and hugs, bach

 

thank you, armee, for that big hug.  great to see it.

bach, i felt all the care and concern you have for me, and all i can say is thank you.

no call from the mobile dental van people yesterday, so i'll have to call again mon. i'm working real hard not to anticipate another painful horror like the last time, a few years ago, i got a broken filling fixed. in the meantime, i'm on edge all the time about if more of this filling is going to crumble, being careful to only chew on the other side of my mouth, eating soft foods when i eat. not a lot of that at the minute.

i am grateful, tho, that there is no pain. the nerve isn't exposed, thank you god. how long that might last, tho, well, down the rabbit hole again. no emotion, very flat while i'm keeping myself cuddled up against anything else happening there.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i realized how much of a mess i am after last nite's rant here. and today, just frickin' can't catch a break. part of a filling broke (old teeth, old fillings) and a chunk of my tooth is gone. no pain, but medicare doesn't cover dental. i'm a broken record, i know, but this is too much!!!

i think my T has the number for a free traveling dentist, which i've visited before. they'll do for an emergency, but not good vibes and i'm dreading it. can i just give up?

bach, thank you so. i'd have found this impossible w/o you and the others.

thanks, phoebes. so appreciated.

hope, i'm so glad you're in my corner. thank you.

you people are so beautiful.  i marvel each day about the care and concern you've shown me even as you have your own issues and bad days. i know my abusers all had crapola in their childhoods, but they chose such a different path. still, you people here chose to be kind and caring rather than malicious with intent to hurt, 'teach', demean, etc. my admiration for everyone here grows each day.  thank you so very much for being you. i just hope someday you'll see all that i see in you. 

feeling better, finally, altho the stress of life continues.  it's been about 4 mos. since i've gotten sick from being stressed out about getting in touch w/ a feeling i hadn't been aware of, so hadn't expressed until then. it overwhelmed me to the point i was knocked against the wall and became emotionally unable to cope w/ it. a month later, it happened again w/ a second feeling.  same thing happened and i was once more down for the count.

then i got my vaccines, flu and covid, and was knocked sideways, altho i expected this.  unfortunately, the stress of them on top of all the rest of the stress lingered, and stress flu symptoms developed. i also became afraid (yeah, i can feel fear more regularly now, something i hadn't had in my life since i was about 5) and anxious (i can now see how my anxiety began by the time i was 12 as a direct result of not being allowed to feel afraid anymore, not even recognizing a natural survival mechanism cause i had no back-up to help me thru what would normally be fearful times.

i'm seeing more and more how this alexithymia beast has impacted my life, and how much working on getting feelings/emotions back to 'normal' has altered my ability to face the world, manage the simplest tasks, and caused me to become afraid to go further in recovery. hanging by a thread, as my T named it, does not lend itself to act in any way, think in any way which might produce more stress. my stress limit has been reached long ago, but i've been pushing myself thru it anyway till now.

feeling 76 yrs. of humiliation all at once, 76 yrs. of pain, are too much to take at a time. 3/4 of a century of not feeling losses, the hurt caused by lies, deceit, deception, and many more i've finally realized is a main reason why i don't allow myself to break down and cry. i did so yesterday, and all that pain came with it, and i stopped myself. i can hardly bear this anymore, and am doing my best to stay sane for my D.

i wish i could be active on this forum to people here who are going thru so much, but i don't have the strength, can't distance myself from their hurt and pain like i used to. i don't know if that will change. all i know now is i am a shell of who i once was.

my D's disability hearing was today, and we don't have high hopes. i'm still facing a financial crisis as my D becomes less and less able to work - she has not been able to make enough money to pay her part of the bills for 2 weeks now. the future does not look any better, and the instability does nothing to alleviate my stress levels. triggers come at me out of the blue and send me crashing. i don't know how to proceed forward anymore w/o another tsunami of feelings drowning me.

i'm glad to be able to get some of this out. finally.  but, my life really is too much to live anywhere but on the edge of sanity.  teetering even there. the food poisoning shredded me, my innards are so inflamed, my system is not sustaining itself well at all anymore.

thank you again for your care and support. you mean the world to me.

bach, you touched me. thank you.

blueberry, lovely hugs. thank you.

arnee, i both chuckled and teared up when i read what you wrote.  thanks for being here.

thank you all for sticking with me.  you're so appreciated, you don't even know. love and hugs

felt like i was beginning to climb i long, dark stairway out of a deep black dungeon when this new thing hit.  it pushed me back many steps.  still not feeling well.  hopefully, it'll run its course by the weekend. in the meantime, i'm glad i'm here, glad you're all here.

hope, you don't know how much that meant to me.  thank you.

just starting to feel a little better when BLAM!  food poisoning from food from our food bank.  pretty sure it was the turkey - it said it was pre-cooked, only needed to be heated up, but their food was the only thing i ate for 2 days.  it started fri. was severe enough that i just wanted to die.  awful.  still feeling the effects.  man, i'm getting sick of this.  can't begin healing again when my body is wracked w/ pain.  too much.