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thanks ever so, both of you.  my hub got one of those pillow rings for traveling, but he never used it.  he stayed up there at his sister's house for 10 days so he was able to go back and forth for check-ups in the same town, and she made food for him.  i was so grateful for that.   i guess i'll just hang my head over the bed, if it comes to that, listen to the tv.  i don't have computer gadgets, so that's not an option.  i'll do a lot of thinking, lots of resting.  i'll get thru it.   

it would be nice if i were wrong, and this is something that could be fixed with some drops.  let's hope so. 

i totally agree with you, montys, that when i found out about c-ptsd and how it fit me, so much of the confusion of my life lifted.  things made sense, especially about my choices in life, how i acted in relationships, why i picked the people i picked to be friends with, and why i usually stayed too long, allowing years and years of abuse.

i'm very happy for you that you can see what's been going on with and around you now.  it makes all the difference.  how about a cyber hug - will that work?

hey, montys,

so glad you made it here and a very warm welcome to you.

i have no official diagnosis, either, but i've never found a support group either on or off line where i have felt more comfortable, safer, and at home.

take your time, look around, ask questions, share what you want when you want.  this is about recovery and healing through community.  i couldn't have gotten as far as i have without the wonderfully kind and caring people here. 

thanks for your support, candid and wife2.  when i read the report the other doc wrote (then told me to go back to the desk and get an appt. asap - this was the first one available) one of her notations was that the retina was detached 20% (now, i'm reading shorthand spanish, so i think that's what it said.  but i can tell something is wrong with my eye that wasn't there before).  from what i understand, it's an outpatient procedure.  i don't know anything about follow-up, altho when my hub had his procedure done, he had to return in 3 days to have it checked, so i may have to stay there in a hotel instead of riding the bus home for 2 1/2 hrs., then returning 3 days later.  i'm guessing at all of this.  my hub will be with me, so that's money spent for two.

if, in fact, this is what is going to happen, i don't have any idea when there will be someone who does this procedure available, if it's my doc or another, and how long it might take before i can actually get it done.  who knows with this med. system - it might be months.  it's all up in the air, everything, and i'm doing my best not to think about it. 

at this point, sometimes i wonder if i'm making it all up, if i read it wrong, or what.  my hub keeps saying he's not a doc, that when he's tried to read these reports they've been different than what the doc says.  i don't know anymore.  if it is what i think it says, i'm not looking forward to it at all.  in 3 weeks it's gonna be really hot, and just walking outside will be like walking into an oven.  in and out of a/c takes its toll.  just plain ol' ugh!

so, that's where i am right now, that's what i'm thinking.  maybe i'm wrong.  my eye is telling me different, tho.  ever onward! 

wife2, i just wanted to let you know that you have done something so kind and thoughtful for me, i'm still reeling.  when you first suggested this i thought that whoever was in that circle would crumple to their knees and cry under the intensity of goodness.  after your second post about this idea of yours being awkward, i thought that was the end, and i didn't look back here until today.

after seeing what i saw, the responses, i ended up on my knees in gratitude for such a wonderful gift from such a fabulous friend.  i was crying halfway through, didn't even make it till the end before the tears of wonderment and, dare i say it? joy began running down my face.   

this is a moment in my life that i'll never forget.    what a beautiful soul you have.   thank you for being you.   

elphanigh, the kindness within you has been shown over and over again on this forum, not the least of which has come thru on this thread.  never doubt it, or yourself.  your heart is good, strong, and courageous, and as long as you do and say from your heart, you never have to second-guess yourself.  you are a blessing to this world, to this forum, and to me.  thank you for being you.

elphanigh, so very very glad you're able to find a safe space.  that is tremendous!  best to you as you continue therapy.    big hug.

o, wow, i just got tingles down my legs reading all this. 

i wrote in my journal that for the first time i consciously remember, the other night as i was going to sleep i felt what it is like to feel loved.  i don't remember ever quite feeling this before, would always cry heartily when i'd see something like this on tv or in a movie.  i'd come to realize that i was crying because it was something i'd never really felt (the alexithymia).

because of what i've been dealing with lately, and what both all of you and my daughter have been giving me in the way of help and support with this so that i will be able to leave a relationship that has no trust in it anymore, i have thankfully lived long enough to feel the giving from the heart that says love to me.  it is truly miraculous.

you all don't know what you've done to me and for me.  my brain is literally being re-wired with your help, and that is a tremendous accomplishment.   i can't thank you and this forum and my daughter enough.  tears in my eyes right now of being overwhelmed with the kindness and beauty of people who often struggle to see it in themselves.   you people can't even imagine the difference you've made in my life with this. 

if you ever doubt your goodness or worth in this world, come back and read this.  you all may have suffered horrors at the hands of others, but they didn't touch your hearts or your spirits.  what a group of incredibly wonderful people i'm surrounded by.  i never expected this.  never. 

this is what van der kolk talks about when he says that a supportive community is one of the fundamentals of healing.  you all have shown me what i have been missing in my real life and in my marriage.  this has no battle in it - i haven't had to struggle to make myself heard, i have been accepted for who i am (curse words and all!), no one has told me what i should or can't do.

my daughter was the first one to show this way of kindness to me - you have all given me so much more of it.  what a miracle you are.  it reminds me of harry potter.  dumbledore always told him that even with the horrors he'd faced, and the losses he'd known, he still had the ability to love.  in the end, it was love that conquered all the evil in his life.  you've shown me that ability, and it's so incredible.  i know that we will conquer our own evils because of it.  thank you so very much.

i can feel what it's like to feel loved.  this is miraculous to me.

i worked on my novel.

i did my stretches and breathing.

candid, not to worry.  you were coming from your own experience, and i respect that.  it's just that my experience has been different is all.

as far as the intervention with your foo, i think you did what you thought best at the time.  you had good intentions in your own loving heart, and wanted to be closer to them in the way you thought would work.  maybe you didn't have enough information at the time, didn't know enough about how abusers think and work - i don't know.  you do seem to be pretty hard on yourself about it, tho, and that may be due, in part, to your present circumstances, and what you've gone through because of it at the time.

i've made some doozy mistakes, lost very good friends because of them, and think of them often, how i'd love to get them back somehow.  there is a place in my recovering mind, tho, that keeps telling me it's gone now, i did what i did and i can't make it right anymore.  i struggle not to beat myself up for what i did, keep trying to keep it in mind that my programming led me to act the way i did, make the choices i did.

if i could do it differently, i would, but that goes for myself as well.  if only...there's only one phrase that comes to mind to follow that 'if only' and it's 'i'd known better'.  it covers relationships, parenting, my experience with that awful t i had - a myriad of circumstances and situations.

the bottom line and complete truth is that i didn't know better, couldn't have known better.  as for you and your foo, you didn't know, couldn't have known.  we can stop beating ourselves up for information we had no access to at the time, don't you think?  it's part of the c-ptsd beast that we have these losses in our lives.  very sad.  since it can't be different, i'm going to continue moving forward knowing that i did the best i could with what i knew at the time.  grab my hand - we'll move forward together.  and we'll grab anyone else's hand who wants to join us.   big hug, my dear candid.

it's an honor to have you with me, candid.

my surgery is actually going to be because my retina is detaching.  at least, that's what i read from the last doc i saw last month.  i'm not worried about cataracts - i know that's a simple procedure once they get bad enough.  this is where they inject a bubble of gas into the eyeball in order for it to, presumably, push the retina back to where it belongs.   gotta stay face down 20 hrs./day for at least a week, maybe 2, so that the gas bubble does its thing, and then gets absorbed by the body.  the idea of sticking a needle in my eye doesn't sit real well with me.

i thought my hub had this same procedure done, but i just found out the other day that his was because of macular degeneration.  it was a similar procedure, but different focus.  he panicked the first time, they had to reschedule so he could go under general anesthesia.  so, i still have to find out what the real deal is, cuz i didn't get to see my own doc last time because of a glitch in the comp. system, and they shoveled me to someone else.  ugh!  i hate this crapola!  i'll know more after the 17th of may, exactly what's going on. 

i've already been told i can't wear contacts cuz the fluid in my eye isn't right for them.  that was about 25 yrs. ago.  don't know exactly what that means, or if it means anything for this now.  maybe i'll just have this eyeball taken out and wear a glittery patch.  that would rock!!!  we'll see.

  back atcha!

i don't know if i could ever get to a place where when my daughter jabs at or disrespects me it will have no effect.  mother's heart and all that.  that's why nc has been my choice with her.  maybe no winners, but much less pain, grief, worry, hurt, etc. 

the same goes for the others, like my ex.  too much manipulation, too much emotional distress, too much confusion.  i just don't want to live my life in such a state anymore, not even for little bits of time.    i don't need it.  i felt like i was cleaning house when i went nc with these people, just don't need to deal with them on any level anymore.  i've got my own stuff to think about without having them pop in on me with their b.s. every so often.

i guess it works differently for everyone.  some people can have limited contact and are ok with it, and i'm glad for them.     the people in my life, no.  my folks are dead, so i don't know what that might have been like if they'd still been alive.   that's what makes recovery so personal and individual.  we make the choices that are best for us, even if they might not work for someone else.  no blame, no shame, no judgment. 

candid, i love your 'loving heart' concept.  every time i see that, i smile.  it's beautiful.

silent rhino, we were the ones who were abused, whether as children or as adults.  that makes the others the abusers.  as children, we had no power over what was happening, so it couldn't possibly be our fault.  as adults, we had been set up to look at people and relationships as a way to continue getting abused.  our programming was faulty, not us.  the main thing is that we are choosing a different way to look at everything now, and are taking back our power and ability to make healthier choices for ourselves.   to me, that's what counts now.  whichever way it works best for you.   big hug!

wow, woodsgnome, what an adventure!  i hope you'll let us know how it goes.  sounds like a plan to keep the channels open.  i'm very happy for you!  best!!!   big hug!

all right, step 3 is officially done - my bank acct. is closed, and i have all my money from here with me now.  my hub is never alone with it, and no one here thinks i have money cuz i drive a 23-yr. old car!  it's all beat up and rusting, and that's the first thing people notice here is what kind of car anyone drives.  that's the status bar.

next is a waiting game.  doc appts., see what's gonna happen with my eye.  it shouldn't be too big a deal, the surgery, but it'll depend on when it gets scheduled.  we'll see.  scary, tho.  never had anything done to my eyes before, except getting reading glasses or bifocals. 

and, the other night i was going to bed, thought of everyone who has been so kind and helpful and i felt loved.  it was the most miraculous feeling, like soft, warm angel wings embracing me, comforting me, soothing me.  wow!  i can't even say how happy i am that i lived long enough to feel this in such a tangible way.  i know it's because everything coming toward me from everyone is from their heart.  i can feel it now.  it's so beautiful, like being covered in flower petals, or the whisper of a blessing.  thank you, everyone.   i'll make it.

hey, athak, welcome.  very glad you're here.  i've found wonderful support here from many people, even when i was new.  i hope you find that as well.  there are lots of similarities, lots of diversity at the same time.  i've learned a lot from everywhere.

hazy, i started at ootf, then moved here.  my hub doesn't have a personality disorder, there are other reasons that i'm probably on my way out, but thanks for the suggestion.  i appreciate it a lot.