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hey, sceal,

when you're in therapy, it's not necessarily your job to notice or see everything about yourself and your issues.  that's what the therapist is for.  if we knew all the answers, if we could see everything we needed to see for ourselves, we wouldn't need the help we can get from a therapist.

it's ok for you not to know it all.  it doesn't mean you're lazy or not working hard enough.  this stuff is confusing, and we need help with it.  i'm a therapist, but i can't see it all for myself.  that's why i'm in therapy, too.

sending you a warm, loving hug, sceal.  you're ok and you're doing ok.  no shame or blame in not being perfect.  the people here helped me see that for myself.

yeah, dr, it is overwhelming to realize that your parents weren't there for you.  when i first learned about trauma and prolonged abuse, i only looked at my adulthood - there was plenty there, and i thought it's where the c-ptsd started.  it wasn't until i was well into looking at the c-ptsd beast that i realized it totally began in my foo.

family values?  i pretty much created my own when i became a mom.   i was taught very little about how to go out into the world and manage.  'stop crying or i'll give you something to cry about' was almost a mantra in our house growing up.  emotional neglect?  sounds like it to me.

much support to you as you go through these realizations.  and a big hug.

i'll chime in here because i can totally relate to this.  it sucks.   big hug.

hey, spinozaspinoza,

i can relate to what you're saying about not having 'overt' abuse, yet still having difficulty managing emotions and thinking 'it's all me'.   the beast i call c-ptsd has a way of making us believe we're to blame, we brought it on ourselves, or we're making it up. 

i'm glad you're here, and i hope you find help and support for what you're going thru.  this forum has been a great resource for me.   welcome.   

is couples counseling an option?  maybe the two of you could get at some of the root causes of this stuff.  those kinds of blowups would shred my nerves, too.

sunrise, i just came back to this today, had kind of forgotten about it.  i don't even remember reading your response at the time.  thank you for your beautiful words.  lovely, really, and resting in my heart.

it's still very difficult for me to feel because of the emotional neglect i experienced as a baby, so i can't actually  'feel' those pos. emotions, but i know, logically, that they're there.  i know that i've been abusive to others in my past, and have worked hard to change that part of me.  hard to admit i was like that, especially to one of my dear friends.  we're no longer in contact, and the way i treated her, i wouldn't doubt had something to do with that.

still, moving forward, i'm more careful about that kind of behavior now, do my best to avoid it. 

i was amazed that i posted this almost 1 1/2 yrs. ago.  wow.  that was a pretty rough year emotionally. 

thank you again.  sending you a warm, loving hug.

interesting, andrew, that there might be a connection between this constant crying/grieving and emotional neglect.  my t mentioned that my crying may be leftover tears that went un-nurtured when i was a baby.  i like your visualization, too.  it seems very intense to me.

what i did with my baby me was relegate her to an angel to take care of.  i found a picture of an angel holding a baby and printed it out for myself.   that's as close as i got to nurturing my baby me.  some time in the future i may do what you've written about.  it brings up a lot of anxiety within just thinking about it.

thanks for writing this.  definitely something to look at for me.    big hug.

here you are, indeed, d.r.  i hear you.  you're absolutely worth listening to.  you've got a unique perspective (as everyone does) and it deserves to be heard.

i'm with you on the communication thing.  i can't always come up with quick answers in conversation, can't always change gears, so to speak, in order to follow along.  it's like i still had something to say, but the conversation changed and my thoughts had lagged too far behind. 

i guess we're all different that way.  no right or wrong, no shame or blame.  just different.  and what a dull world it would be if we were all the same.  so, here's a hug celebrating our differences and individuality.  i'm very glad you didn't get too shy to post.  thanks.

i'm really glad you're finding some safety for yourself.  i think that's great. 

your explanation makes more sense to me, so thanks for that.  i've just continually heard about going slow, small steps, etc., so this type of therapy seemed very much the opposite.  as long as it works for you, i'm all for it.  we all come at this beast in different ways.  it's interesting to hear how you're managing it.

big hug, silver. 

[me]

you made me smile, dec. rocket.  that's as healing as anything.  thanks.

yes, relief, hope.  thank you for your support.  you were there with me, holding me up. 

i'm so appreciative to all of you. 

loopy on these pain meds, but at least there's no real pain now, for which i'm immensely glad.  will be taking the pressure bandage off tomorrow.  i'm told it will be at least a month for this to heal.  i opted out of having it stitched up.  i didn't want to spend another minute in there.

mon. i'll start scheduling rides for therapy.  i don't know how it's going yet.  i talked with her for a phone session the day before the surgery, said i wanted her to calm me down.  she began suggesting things for me to do.  for me to do.  i wasn't asking for suggestions. 

as a therapist, if a client had asked me for that kind of help, i'd have done some kind of guided imagery to release stress that was being held, something like that.  that's really what i was looking for.  there have been several things like that where i feel like she's 'missed' me or my meaning.  i'll give it a few more sessions, but i just don't know.  i've already confronted her on something, and kind of feel like i'm floundering, like the therapy is directionless, which is a bit unnerving.  we'll see.

beside that, i'm just taking it slow, being careful when i have to walk, and just being uncomfortable.  i've got a scarf wrapped around my head to help hold the bandage in place, but it's not doing a very good job.  can't wait to get it off.  so, that's life for now.   love to all.

i think i can speak to this.  i believe a lot of my core issues happened before i have memory of what went on.  my first clue was when my mother told me (much later in life) that when my sister was born, 21 mos. after me, she told my father 'not to be so hard' on their second daughter.

i never got details, so i can only imagine.  what i've lately discovered is that i suffer from alexithymia, which is the inability to verbalize, recognize and understand what i'm feeling, and have for most of my life.  much of my life, i felt 'floaty', like i simply floated thru life, kind of like a leaf on the wind.  i had no direction, no sense of self, no opinions, and no idea how i or anyone else was feeling, unless they told me.

i believe that my dad expected me to be perfect, so denied any feelings that weren't happy/smiling ones.  throughout my life, until maybe the past few years, i got angry possibly 5 times (i'm 70 now).  instead, i was tolerant, patient, and understanding, no matter what was happening. 

i would take cues from other people as to what feelings might be appropriate in a situation, because i had mostly none at any given moment.  touch is very important to me, as it gives me a sense of being.   from my research on this, i've learned that emotional neglect/denial at a very young age doesn't allow the proper connections between the emotional and verbal parts of the brain to be formed.  through my recovery, i've worked on re-wiring, but it's pretty difficult. 

i'm learning, also, that being out of touch with my feelings is probably the root of my substance abuse, cig. smoking, and eating problems.  i would feel a disturbance in my body, but couldn't pinpoint what it was, and would use something to try to ease the distress i felt. 

so, yes, i'm battling all my life to be me, without having had a chance of a clue.  i'm less floaty now, more self-aware, but i still struggle much of the time with recognizing what emotion/feeling i might be experiencing at any given moment.  most of the time i still couldn't tell you.

sending you a big hug, andrew.  here's hoping, for all of us, that we find our way.

nicely done, dee.  beautiful job.   

i feel like i've been grieving for years now.  i cry at the drop of a hat, whether it's something sad, happy, or most anything emotional.  i don't know if it's grief for sure, and i'm in therapy at the moment trying to figure this out.  i do believe that it's a c-ptsd symptom, tho, and not just some random weeping/sadness/pain.

i just wanted to let you know that i hear ya, andrew.  this beast takes on so many shapes and sizes, sometimes it's hard to figure out where one ends and another begins.   sending a hug with warmth and peace of mind.

welcome, aquarius - so very glad you're here.

is there any way you can go low contact with your mother?  i'm thinking like not answering every email/text, or not even reading them unless you're in a good enough place to do so.  can you keep contact with her to a minimum so that you're still able to communicate with your sisters?

it's hard to break out of those caretaking roles we've been forced into.  maybe it will help to know that her relationship is her choice, that she is an adult, that she can decide for herself if she wants to stay or leave or anything in between.  it's not your responsibility anymore.

it's a tough one, for sure.  wishing you the best with this, and sending a hug if you want it. 

some days are indeed harder than others, rain.  i'm glad you got some relief by posting here.  i don't think it's whining, either, altho i've felt like that myself several times.  it does feel so good just to get it out, tho. 

sending you a warm, comforting hug.