Messages

hope you're ok, notalone.  love and hugs

hope you're doing ok, EA.  love and hugs

hope you're doing well, pc. love and hugs

 

right beside you bach with love and a gentle hug

just stopping by to say hi  , and i hope you're doing ok.  love and hugs

cf, that kind of crying happens to me a lot while watching shows. like you, it's a mix of feelings, but i think my overriding emotion is sadness that i didn't get to experience x or y.  no matter what, it's so much more emotional than simply what's going on on the screen.  you're not alone.  love and hugs

so glad to hear this, blueberry. breakthroughs and/or realizations can take a lot of energy to show themselves. love and hugs

everyone who showed their care and concern, thank you.  feeling better today, which was weird, cuz it also made me feel uneasy and disturbed.  i think the emotion and distress of this past week took its toll insofar as to cause a more 'normal' feeling to actually feel uncomfortable.  ate myself into a coma tonite becuase of it, but tomorrow is another day, and i can start again.

so strange, sometimes, how this works.

armee, i want you to know you've done the same for me. forever grateful.  thank you.

kizzie, thank you for your support.  so appreciated. 

you all got me thru a most trying time this week, and i thank you. feeling a bit better now, so i'll go back to my journal.  thank you all very much.  you're wonderful.

armee, you're beautiful!  the image is great, and has been uploaded into my barrier group. was able to breathe just now. thank you so much for all your support, and for being able to bring a smile to my heart in the midst of all this. i can't tell you what it means to me. 

kizzie, i know that so deeply.  this place, you people, have saved me more than once, have helped me literally live thru some desperate times, and my gratitude is beyond bounds. and you're all doing it again. kizzie, you actually provided a lifesaving space here, and i thank you for that, too. 

blueberry, you are my rosetta stone.  you helped me figure out what was going on w/ these questions, and you turned me on to the alexithymia piece that i was missing several years ago. w/o that, i would never have been able to understand what was going on w/ me, the cause of my constant confusion and lack of emotional response. i'm indebted to you for that. it explained so much, helped me realize how many emotions/feelings i'd absorbed w/o being able to express, acknowledge, recognize, and subsequently feel. thank you from my heart for speaking up, allowing me to see what was missing so i could make some sense of my life and why i was such a great target for others. 

with everyone surrounding me, i'm feeling a bit less nervy and on edge. as a therapist, it continues to fascinate me how the people here, who have gone thru some horrendous things each in their own way, choose to be caring, giving, and generous w/ their support, while others choose the opposite - being spiteful, mean, abusive and all the rest of anything negative. once again, you are lifesavers, and i'm grateful.  thanks to you i will make it thru another day, a little bit more at peace than yesterday.  i love you all.

armee, you made me smile.  thanks!

tbcc, thank you for your well wishes 

blueberry, as ever, you helped me understand what was going on inside me cuz of those questions, and validated what i felt. i believe the part of being pulled back into the trauma, cuz i remember feeling angry about them but i didn't understand why. you did.as far as D staying strong, she's mad at him for throwing her under the bus becuz of her sister's demands.  she still doesn't have a clue as to his true nature, no understanding of it, (even tho when i first found out, i told her about his NPD)

the newest update is that she's concerned cuz D1 continually tells him he has dementia whenever he forgets something (his mother had it) and he's now referring to himself that way.  so, she's checking up w/ him on that point, saying she's doing her 'due diligence' by trying to find out from his bro (who's a nurse and has lunch w/ him every couple of weeks) if the brother is actually seeing signs of it, or if it's simply more mayhem from D1.  so, she said no, she's not talking to him for one thing, but she's still being involved w/ him.

i got mad about that for a minute, she came up w/ all her concerns, i had to let it go.  i've got to stay out of that dynamic.  she doesn't give up that easily on people, and doesn't want to hear from me about him.*sigh* i got my hopes up for one minute, but that's gone now. she feels a duty to him as her F.

and, blueberry, the virtual cig line was just great.  thank you for being you.

kizzie, i'm quite sure most of those people don't understand that, nor the workings of 'trauma brain'.  my shrink got a taste of it last time i talked to her when she asked how i was and i told her not good cuz of my worries over our finances, and she tried to pawn me off w/ a platitude - well, you know, worrying about something won't change the outcome.  i nearly exploded at her, telling her that didn't help, trauma brain doesn't care, logically i know that, etc.  finally she said, 'well, what can i do for you?' and i said, 'listen to me'.  so she did for a while, not too long, tho, but i got my meds, and that's all i wanted.

what i thought of after that is how at the end of our chats, she always says to call her if i want to talk.  so, when i talked, she immediately tried to smooth it over, get rid of my distress. so, yeah, i agree w/ you, kizzie, hardly anyone outside of survivors can understand this, or even tries to. medicate them so they don't cause problems, kind of attitude.

anyway, i already mentioned above that it looks like my D's stand against her F is situation specific, so, while i appreciate the extra hug for her, i won't be sending it along.  i have to stay away from that now. but, thank you so much for being here w/ me.

this morning the thoughts came racing in after i woke up, and i pictured all of you here w/ me, much like i did when i had to leave mex.  i'm keeping you as a barrier for me today to help ward off all the i don't know, but all of it that's hurting me.  i'm feeling the pain right now, and it's pretty awful. my chest is tight, which i've come to recognize as fear w/in me.  don't know what i might be afraid of.  my D thought this time (she'd asked her F) the death possibility was real, and all of that is wrapped up inside me, banging on my chest, making it difficult to breathe.  i want to be numb again, but i don't know how.

thank you all for being here, helping me thru this.  hopefully, D1 will improve and i can go back to ignoring her existence, ignoring his existence, wrap myself in my own little bubble of hoping we have enough money to not have to move.  that seems simpler somehow, and this family stuff has pushed the finances back and down, but it's creeping up again, and the instability of it all is poking its head up once again. no, no, no, too much!

we've been NC w/ D1 for many years already. i've been NC w/ my ex, also, for many years. D worked hard to address issues w/ her F in order to keep him in her life, but this is recent, he's showing his true colors to her, which he did w/ me many years ago.

i'm sorry, i'm so raw, i can't answer these questions anymore. this has all been addressed before.

i don't mean to be rude, i know you care, i'm just not in a place to bring this up.  it hurts my gut, so i'll have to stop.  

blueberry, thanks for all that.  you're right about her.  she's gotten some strength along the way in her life that i hadn't even recognized before.  plus, and she told me this, it was me who stood up to D1 first, and D was able to get strength from that to stand up to her sister as well.   

didn't expect those questions to affect me the way they did. it was visceral, and i'm feeling very disturbed right now. i've been pretty much numb since yesterday, but these questions brought everything back into some kind of malicious reality and i want to cry. i can't believe it's happening again, they're doing this again and hurting my D with it this time. and that's hurting me, which she recognizes and why she's not talking to him now.

time for a cig.  first one's for armee.  thank you for that.

armee, that's exactly what i'm doing. i'm thankful every morning that i have another day to be there for my D. and both my D and i know we have gone to extraordinary lengths to make this better between us and them in the past, so hold no remorse nor regret about what's happening. we know this isn't on us.   thank you so for being here for me. 

kizzie, thank you - just your initial response already brought warmth to my heart.  i wish there was something anyone could do, but unfortunately . . . i thank you so much, tho, for the offer.  i appreciate your support so much.

tbcc, i doubt they'd be truthful in therapy - in fact my ex already told me about some of his therapy around misogyny, and how his therapist of 1 1/2 yrs. was shocked it was even brought up, that she'd have known.  he then told me he was a great liar. so, how could anyone diagnose either of them?

blue-sky, thanks for that. it's exactly what i'm doing. my energy/feelings are so all over the board about so many complications involved in this present-day scenario which harkens back to the past.

my D is no longer talking to her F because of his choice of D1 over her in a hurtful way.  he made the same choice concerning me and D1 which was part of the reason for our marriage ending. i'm watching my beautiful D get hurt, and that tears at my mother heart. this is a pattern i've seen w/ him, just one more, like a test, to see how far you'll let him go. D said 'enough', and i'm very proud of her for standing up to him, even tho i know it's killing her to do so. and that kills a bit of me.   

narckiddo, thank you so for your thoughtfulness and kindness.  so appreciated right now.  you don't even know.

armee, thanks for such caring support on the cigs.  you've put a smile on my face.  you're right, i can't fix this, i didn't do it, it's not my fault - that'll be running thru my head all day, thank you) it's just so difficult to see it happening again to my darling D who has worked so hard all her life for her family.  i'm so sad she has to witness his behavior hurting her when she's done nothing wrong and D1 has continually hurt all of us.

he's always said he didn't especially like me, but he fell in love w/ D1 when she was a baby.  he aligned himself w/ her against me when she was a toddler.  one day i was sitting across the room from them, he told her to 'go over and kick your mother in the ankle'.  of course we made it into a joke, laughed, but later in life i wondered why he would ask her to do something violent to me instead of give your mom a hug or something sweet like that.  ugh!

that's what this is doing - bringing up all these old, painful remembrances.  i can still see her toddle across the room toward me.  this stuff is implanted, has been pushed back and down numerous times, but something like this?  what's happening now?  just replaying the same old harmful song. it hurts to see my D have to experience this.  i know it's breaking her to watch him do this to her on a request and threat from her sister, even after he's repeatedly told my D he doesn't know why he's put up w/ D1's crapola for so long.

i give my D so much credit for standing up to him, but i know it tore her up inside, cuz she only mentioned she'd heard from him again, something new came up, and they were on the outs now until he makes a decision. 

i'm probably repeating myself, i'm just letting this flow out of me, i just got the picture of some tar-like substance in my throat, wanting to spew it out cuz it's choking me.