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The net result of all this hard work is nothing I can enjoy or build on. It's empty treading the water like this, year after year.

i can so relate, senseorgan. too many years of this, like 39.  it's wearing for sure.  i hope you can just hang in there - i think it's really positive that things are better after 7 years, tho, that you can recognize that.  it lends hope for the future, no?

all i can say is keep up the good work. love and hugs

thanks, chart, for your words of comfort. it's nice.

thanks, DF.  i hope not, but it's been actually decades already, so that's what makes me think this will not change. too old, not enough years left. 

writing that i'm 'too old' kinda brought a smile to my face.  i don't mind being old, and the thought came up as i wrote that 'cuz that means there's not a whole lot of years of this left'.  bleak.  it's worn me down to that point.
there is not a day that i wake up feeling refreshed, ready to greet the day, look forward to visiting someone i love, doing something i love.  even the last thing i did, which i so wanted to do (movie 'a complete unknown' have been a dylan fan since the 60's) i'm so glad i did it, but honestly, if i couldn't have it would've been ok.

this morning, too, my galpal called to cancel my visiting her today cuz she didn't feel well.  she came to be w/ me a the hospital for my D's surgery, she and i always have a good time, haven't seen her since, but i'm so ok w/ staying home, reading, resting.  my energy level is so low now, it's an effort to do anything, even something i enjoy.

downer, i know.  even on meds, i'm not sleeping like i'd like.  i may ignore them tonite, see if there's any difference.  i'm just not getting restful sleep, and i've been thru this a lot of my adult life for one reason or another.  i probably 'should' see a doc, but i'm putting that off cuz of $$.  so, i'm just stuck, just blattin' it out here.  my main thing is to stay viable for my D.  she's still got a long row to hoe.

does anyone know what kind of difference to the system there is when you stop eating meat?  except for a little chicken one nite, and fish, i've not had meat/sausage of any kind for at least a week, and hardly any the week before.  i remember my old T telling me that dropping meat from the diet can have a huge impact on your system. that thought just came to mind.

unfortunately, i'm relying on meds again for sleep.  not as much as i used to use, but still, more than nothing.  i keep telling myself it's not forever, and that's what's helping me use them.  mother's little helpers, in a way.

i found a guided relaxation on youtube that's 7 min. long, focuses mostly on breathing, but has lovely pictures.  it was fine, but i think i want something longer.  i need it to be guided w/ someone's words cuz otherwise my mind starts running all over the place, and that's quite disruptive.  no relaxation to be had, and actually stirs me up more than when i started.  so, i'll keep looking.

otherwise, i've been sick, just kind of out of it, feeling not so good.  i wonder if this is my new normal?  i hate to think so. 

thanks for sharing, senseorgan.  it sounded intense, to be sure.  i'm just glad you came out of that feeling better and not overwhelmed.  honestly, it sounds like a lot, but it's always amazing to me how our entirety is wrapped up in this trauma stuff.  love and hugs

one of the perks of turning 'old', CF, is that restaurant discount!  lol, indeed!

'how to protest safely' sounds interesting.  i just walked in the streets!  of course, back then, it wasn't as dangerous.  i think it's a good idea.

i'm glad for you that you'll be able to stay on top of your glucose monitoring, that it's being updated but your PCP will provide you w/ the Rx.  i have an author friend who actually wrote a book on why using those is a good idea.  i'm glad it works well for you. 

keep up the good work.  love and hugs

well done, DF.  taking care of ourselves is such a biggie!  that's so wonderful!  proud of you, my dear.

i'm glad you got the guilt out of the way already so you can now just be.  such a big step.  keep up the good work.  love and hugs

CF, i not only think it's a productive type of avoidance, but also a healthy 'clearing out'.  well done, you! 

i hope you are able to figure out how to manage and balance the diet stuff.  sounds like something went out of whack a little.  and, thanks for explaining the ozempic thing.  i didn't really know how it worked.  it makes sense to me now. love and hugs 

took meds last nite, was able to sleep much better, and what a difference in how i feel this morning.  dang.  looks like i may need to see a doc eventually just to be able to get more meds.  of course, all that's been going on in the past year, it's becoming clearer to me why i'm so out of whack.  hopefully, i'll somehow be able to get to some semblance of normal eventually.  dang, that would be really good.

lovely snow outside today.  it's so pretty.  i realized i haven't been in bunches of snow and cold weather for nearly 25 yrs.  that's weird to me to realize.  but, my body's temperature gauge is so outta whack, too, and i don't really know if that will fix itself or not.  don't know if it's connected to stress.  in mexico, our a/c was set to 77 and that's the temp i slept in.  now, it's below freezing, i have my window cracked, and i often feel warm/sweaty when i sleep.  so many changes . . .

i think some people use ozempic for weight loss, too, CF, so not surprising you've already lost weight.  very glad it will be covered by your insurance.  and, yeah, not a bad thing to incorporate more fruit into your diet, right?  sounds like you are nailing this.  keep it up!  love and hugs

thanks for the validation, DF.

down yesterday, still feeling crappy today.  ugh.  i hear the phrase 'i'm so over this' from people in a stressful situation, but it confuses me cuz they're still in it, from what i can see, still hurting.  for me, i wish i was over this.

as long as you promise, chart, i'll believe you!  thank you for that.

and chart was right, i'm not so sick now.  both my D and i believe it was a reaction to having all the crisis over with, and one of her friends told her she thought we were exhausted and that was our bodies' reactions.  probably. 

at any rate, so grateful for all the help we're getting.  it's truly a godsend.  and the support from everyone here.  thank you to all of you!

interesting observation about pain being a connection among people, senseorgan.  this forum is a perfect example of that, for sure. 

may i gently disagree with something you said, about not having a choice.  actually, you do, and you are choosing to keep going for it, unlike many others who decided and chose otherwise.  it speaks to your strength and determination to not let everything from your past define you and your life going forward.  that's inspiring. this forum is filled w/ people who continue to choose to fight, struggle, and 'update' (love this concept!) to have a healthier life and outlook going forward.  a more loving one, which, to my mind, is the best kind.

thank you for your wisdom.  love and hugs

thanks for the good RX tip, CF.  good to know.  the whole medicare thing is such a circus of horrors at times. and, yeah, who knows what the future will bring.  here's hoping we survive, mentally and physically.  love and hugs

sick, now.  will this freakin' nightmare ever end?

phoebes, you brought a smile to my face with that !  thanks so much!

thank you, DF.  i never thought of myself as brave, actually.  just had to get thru it.  i had lots of help, so thanks to everyone for that.

first day of recovery is over and went well.  i'm feeling old, tho.  i'm bowed over, can't walk upright anymore, had to carry the cat litter inside and i could barely make it from the door to my D's room.  my body is sore from sitting in uncomfortable chairs, walking back and forth thru hallways w/o my walking shoes on for the day.  bending over to clean the litter yesterday also nearly did me in and i had to sit for several minutes afterward.  dang!  i got totally old in one day!

my D said she began feeling a little sick yesterday, said hardly anyone in the hospital was wearing a mask and she had people touching her all day, so she's afraid she brought something home w/ her.  dang, i hope not!  we've been sick more often in the past 8 mos. since we moved here than we had in the past 8 years!  actually, for 8 years we didn't have one sick day between us.  now that we've been seeing people, going out a little more, illness has been everywhere!  did not expect this, do not like this one bit.  i hope she's ok today.