Messages

blueberry, armee, moondance, lakelynn, bach, and hope - thank you for the hugs and the concern. at this point, i'm pretty much broken, just surviving. writing this brought tears to my eyes.

moondance, DD, and my dear armee, thank you for your well wishes.  so appreciated.      

can't say how many times i came here, hoping to write, but just couldn't.  even now, everything is pushed way down, can't talk about it.  this has all been too much.

thanks blueberry and armee.

i've been having a breakdown the past 2 days.  all this 'too much' has been too much, indeed. i'm out for the count on the forum. love and hugs

thanks for all the kindness, blueberry.

i'm really not up for responding to others right now - too much bogging me down.  wish i could cuz i love you all

hey blueberry,

just want to say i'm thinking of you.  love and hugs

thanks, armee, for all the soft.

i appreciate you being w/ me, moondance

blueberry, you actually brought tears to my eyes.  thank for recognizing what that joke meant. 

DD, i understand about the joke thing being pos. at times.  at this time it wasn't at all - it was a fright reflex, which is not where a good joke comes from. thank you for that big hug

my T helped me relieve some of my stress yesterday in a big way.  we decided that me going on deliveries w/ my D, especially for the evenings, is not a good idea at all for me.  i listed all the things i'm stressed about concerning prep time, if i can eat, when i can eat, water consumption, anxiety, dealing w/ her frustration if she can't find the right apt. to deliver to, etc. - it's too much.  once we reached that conclusion, i let out several breaths of relief, huge ones, and i knew it was the stress over this that was being emitted.

so, that was good.  then, last evening, my D told me we have enough to pay bills for sept. it's come down to one month, and we don't know if or how that will happen for oct. so, my gut took a nose dive, and the fear has engulfed me again.  i can barely stand it, am ready to tap out.  how long can one person stay strong? too much.

thanks for the hug, EA.   back to you

armee, i appreciate you putting the term 'fragile' out there. yes, it fits. i've only ever called it feeling weak (not in a bad way), but fragile may be more precise, as in easy to break. yeah, i'm at that point for sure.

the way i've used flash was w/ eye blinks, and it's worked so very well for me.  i'll ask my T today about tapping, if she knows how to do it that way. for now i think she's just trying to help me stabilize.  thanks for the info. 

kizzie, that gentle comfort made me want to cry. thank you.

beautiful big hugs, moondance.  thanks

thank goodness i can keep my head in the writing world for a bit at a time. i finished a first draft of my own, so now it gets gone over w/ a nitpicking fine comb (ewww - i actually had to do that once for my D1 - not fun!) and i'm editing my D's newest. it really helps keep me away from remembrances and present-day fears. at least for 1/2 hr. or so. 

fragile really fits well, and i totally felt it yesterday.  my D was out delivering, needed to come home early cuz she was freaking out about some physical stuff. i could feel w/in myself how badly i felt for her, going thru one more thing, but what popped out of my mouth was a joke rather than a comfort. i could feel myself cracking open and could not take one more second of anything neg.

it made me realize how tight i've been holding myself against this financial stuff, my stuff, and my D's stuff. fragile fits for sure. being on the breaking point is too much.

hope, i truly appreciate thoughts, ideas, opinions, suggestions, observations, etc., mainly becuz i can't see everything, don't always know how i'm feeling emotionally, don't have a stable, true sense of my 'self'. so thank you for your comments, suggestions, and opinions.  they are more than welcome.  i've lived nearly my entire life thru other people, how they act/react and oftentimes still do. i told my T to keep telling me things like i'm super stressed right now cuz being stressed feels normal and i can't always know.

when i said 'processing' i meant emdr processing which is useful for trauma and things like flashbacks and triggers.  she is very gentle w/ me cuz of what's happened, how i've reacted at times (like being overwhelmed for 2 weeks by a new emotion that popped up from an old memory). she is very concerned and utilized everything she knew to help me problem solve for a way to be able to get a cheaper place to live, asked me to give her all this worry and fear, she'd hold it for me so i'm not so inundated. thank you for your concern, tho, hope. it's just that since this financial thing is ever present in real time, i'm actually showing feelings and emotions that are appropriate.  it's just that, on top of my traumatic past, my concerns are putting me over the top. your hug of comfort and safety felt really good.  thanks for that.  wonderful. 

armee, i get the idea of trying to think about what might helps someone in a situation where they're hurting, and i could feel the realness of that in your post. i know you're coming from a place of concern, so your advice is welcome!  unfortunately, altho i've used flash technique almost exclusively in the past year, since my eye went wonky anything to do w/ eye movements have been off the table.  we did try tapping once, and that seemed ok, so i might try that again. after i read your response, i did try moving my eyes side to side and it just didn't feel good, so i've still got to let that method of processing go.

but part of my problem is feeling the fear for the first time, which is what's so difficult to manage right now. my T and others have said it's something i'll need to learn to live w/, but i've had so little practice up to now. so the danger is real and present, and it is a danger, so fear is appropriate here, but since i haven't been friends with fear in forever, i just don't know how to get along with it and it's overwhelming all my senses, tools, thought processes, and way to be. and it's stressing me out as well, so i'm pretty messed up right now.

i have no doubt this new *actually, i've felt like this before, but it went away as i was getting more sense of self) feeling of being a shell is related to not only the fear, but the stress and tension it's brought along w/ it. i've had anxiety attacks the past 2 nites, which started after talking w/ my T about all this. She told me how my eating is directly related to the amount of stress i'm under, and i appreciated that insight, cuz it took a lot of shame and guilt off me. i asked her to do more of that for me, tell me how someone would normally be reacting or feeling, cuz i have so little sense of it for myself.

i feel like i'm rambling.  i so appreciate the support, care, and concern for me cuz i'm in a pretty bad place. thank you all.

i like it!

very cute and a good way to end the day.  i usually watch baking shows!  thanks, kizzie.  love and hugs

moondance, i believe you're correct - tired is now normal. it may always have been that way for me, at least as an adult, but i covered it up w/ substances, and i don't use them anymore, so my true self can make itself heard.  thanks for that big hug. 

hope, so far so good w/ the heat, altho another wave is upon us starting tomorrow.  hopefully that will be the last of it till next summer.  and, yes, i have been enjoying tennis. the u.s. open starts next week.  there's some great tennis being played, i've got a new fav player, and it's both relaxing and on the edge exciting at times.  thanks for remembering! 

talked w/ my T about what's going on w/ me, i've spoken about it already, but won't go into details anymore cuz it really brought me down yesterday. talked about how my eating has gotten so out of control and she reminded me about the amount of stress i'm carrying. i told her i didn't even think of that, cuz i've been carrying stress for so long that i hardly notice it day to day, only when my body acts up do i know i'm overstressed.

but, full-on stress is my normal, has been for quite some time, decades.  anyway, giving me the stress card to play helped me not be so hard on myself for something i was doing that i know a lot of the answers to (dang, i wrote a book on it!) but i guess i lost my knowledge when it came to me.  it's like i can spot this stuff in clients, but i can't be my own therapist cuz my vision is clogged w/ my own crapola.

it was very disheartening, however, to realize the solid reasons i have for being over-stressed. she said we basically can't do any processing of it cuz it's all real and in the present.  i felt out of it when the session was over and had a lovely anxiety attack last nite.

that was something else i brought up was the feeling i'm getting now when my D goes to her room for the night. once she leaves, i feel like everything gets sucked out of me and i'm a shell. none of me is left. it's been disconcerting to feel that.

this is all too much.

sorry you're suffering in the heat, blueberry.  hopefully it will pass soon.  please be careful.  love and hugs

awww, moondance - IBS is the gift that keeps on giving!  i know from experience.  totally a pain in the patoot, so to speak.  glad the brother is recovering. keep taking care of you.  love and hugs

hey, CF, i LOVE my new fountain pens.  there's just something about writing w/ liquid ink. i've also thought about sketching w/ them.  good luck if you delve into that venture.

sorry about the writing contest.  been there.  stings a little, but like you said, there are always so very many entries.  hopefully, next time . . .

congrats on getting your hearing date.  new level of anxiety, for sure.  fingers crossed and prayers flying!  love and a hug filled w/ all the winning vibes available.

armee, yeah, a little bit of everything, i'm sure.  the stress of it has wreaked havoc on my body in various ways.  hopefully i get back to my 'normal' soon.  thank you so for your support.

moondance, me too.  used to love laying in the sun.  thanks for the wish of a cool day.  in about another week, from what i can see. 

well, the smoke from surrounding fires, including from canada, has hit our area, but from what i read it'll stay high enough so as not to be much of a bother.  still, this morning, the sun was shining into our living room, as usual, but instead of gold stripes, they were red.  here in my room as well - sunshine on the wall is red.  looked out, sure enough, the sun is a bright cherry red right now.  it's the oddest  sight.

hopefully we won't get any ash dropping on us.  i've been in that position and it wasn't any fun at all.  otherwise i'm ok today, just tired, but that's part of my life that doesn't go away anymore. *sigh* going to watch some tennis - that'll be good.