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Hi.
When things began to hit me in the face in May, I started therapy again. I was good with the therapist. Then I found out I was CPTSD. She didn't specialize in it. I changed to someone who did. After 2 weeks, the T said I was too complex and needed to refer me to someone else- do I feel as though I have leprosy? I found someone who lists CPTSD as her specialty.

Last week I went to my appt (remember shoulder surgery was on the 10th). I was kicking into flashbacks. The T got really nervous. She asked me if I needed to go to the hospital many times throughout the session- no. I told her I was safe. At the end of the meeting she asked me what meds I was taking. I hadn't taken anything for pain before my appt. I told her, she freaked and said  "Xmg of X, that would knock me out cold". I told her the 'therapeutic dose' and I'm not taking anything near that. She said "still, that's a lot". Example: It's like if the basic beginning dose of Zoloft is 50 mg, I'm taking 3 mg. If that makes sense. I felt extreme shame.

Then I went to my psych MD. He said it is really common for people to increase flashbacks and symptoms after surgery and a lot of pain.  My T should have known this if CPTSD was her specialty.
It turned out I had to cancel my appt with the T because of a physical therapy appt. Friday I called her. She didn't return the call. I texted her that I needed to change appts- wanted to cover myself. I called their group office and left a message. OK. I did what I needed to do.
She called and left a message Mon afternoon and it went to voicemail. She texted me. I said ok to the time. Then I thought of how many times she has asked me if I needed to go to the hosp, her freak concerning the meds and her not knowing the stress of surgery, pain, pain meds- increase symptoms and flashbacks. I texted her my concerns and said I wouldn't be at the appt.
I decided I would rather be with a T who trusted me, willing to learn and doesn't freak who does work with people with abuse than a T with CPTSD as her specialty. I called the 1st T and made an appt.
Anyone have any thoughts?

You have that right.

Actually, it now, I have no idea what. My dad was diagnosed with Bladder cancer for the 2nd time.  He had surgery and is not doing well at all. My mom has shut down. He is to begin treatments shortly although he is now weaker. I'm now dealing with the probability of my dad's death within 6 months-- I pray not.

Speaking with my psych MD, I finally realized and got it through my head he is a 'wounded NP'. He's like the person in the middle of the ocean who can't swim and would grab onto anyone around.
I was able to put boundaries down. I flat out told him what he was doing. I told him he was pitting my sisters against each other so he could feel "safe". Yes he kicked into shame (real shame) - I told him to open his eyes and look at me. I told him kicking into shame won't help anyone. I know he will probably panic and play the game again but now I will step back.

I emailed the only sib who will read my emails without deleting them 1st. Actually I only have 2 sisters. I have no aunts, uncles, cousins- my parents were only children. I tried to give a bit of information. We spoke because my mom called my sister while I was there. She explained her side- what she did, what she wanted. I told her I was happy I found out because dad said this----------------. I said I was sorry for automatically believing what my parents said and didn't check it out with her.
I'm learning I sort of really like her. She remembers things I blocked. I feel like a child wanting to curl up next to her and cry. That would be incredibly unhealthy for me. I worshiped her while I grew up.
No matter what I say about how controlling and bitchy she is, she is THE person I would do about anything to receive acceptance.
I am an emotional wreck. Between my surgery, pain, fear, no one to talk to except my parents, my dad's surgery, his pain, his issues, my parent's crisis and everything else- I feel raw and exposed. I am more sensitive, having more flashbacks, decreased sleep because of remembering my past.
It will get better. I know I am not as exposed as I feel I am. I'm taking steps to get more sleep tonight.

There is no way I can honestly look at someone and tell them what happened to me. There is a difference between someone with whom I become friends. The information is still too much. To say it to someone I'm attracted to,
why in the world want to be with someone so damaged.

Boatsetsailrose-----
Boy - you seem to write my thoughts-scares me to no end.
When I'm with a patient, My focus is on that person. I easily stand up for and protect that person against anyone. I don't care if they yell, scream, curse-- whatever. I protect them. The only time I have 'fought' with a staff member was because of the care the staff person wanted to give. I can look back and say - OMG- who was she and where did she come from.    After, I froze and shut down.

Years ago I received a written warning because a doctor went off yelling at me while accusing me of giving her information late. I didn't even do it. I wasn't in the area at the time. My supervisor wrote me up for it knowing the doctor's accusation was unfounded. I couldn't do anything except cry and plead for him to know I would never do that.  -- Yes, the supervisor is/was/always will be toxic. I no longer work there.

There are some incredibly good nurses. There are nurses who are mean, hateful, self centered, back biting and would do anything to sabotage another nurse (except their BFF).

I can fight for others. I can't/don't stand up for myself.
I am always shy except when I'm at work in my "nurse role". I can talk to staff. I am really able to speak with patient's and their family members.
Yes I am co-dependent.   

I work to be authentic. It is harder right now because I had shoulder surgery a month ago but have been out of work since the end of July. I know it will be better when I can go to work.

I prefer those "caretaking" qualities. Those are the one's which give me comfort.

Thank you. With these abusers, they think of and capable of doing things I would never could dream of doing. Those thoughts are inconceivable. They use people in ways I wouldn't/couldn't think of.

agreed

truly

It was the 1st time he met her. She had only been on the shift for about 1 1/2 hours.
If this is true, I would love to talk to her sister. The ability to share that information face to face would be wonderful

Dutch Uncle
It's funny when my parents say they are so proud of me for what I've done because I see what other people do and it's so much more. My parents keep me in line with "it takes so much more to be a (hospice nurse, pediatric nurse, ER nurse, about any other nurse) than what I am.
I also can bring up things my oldest or middle sister does but I'm told -so, she--blah blah blah explanation.
I don't have a problem saying all the hurtful things I've done (well, yes I do but that's because guilt and shame- not because I don't want to take ownership for my actions)

Honesty- At times I feel a bit paranoid about the site. My ex is a NP/NP psychotherapist. He had his 1st 2 wives put inpatient, diagnosed, medicated, put inpatient again, more diagnoses, more medications.
I was the one he couldn't get put inpatient. I was the one who got away.
He is remarried and his current wife has looked me up on Linked IN after all these years.
He was able to hurt me from a state he doesn't live.
I know there are no guarantees. I just wanted to say I feel afraid at times when I'm so honest.

Welcome.
I agree with Arpy 1. You aren't a failure to have survived so much. I've learned none of us are failures. We have survived.
We have similar experiences but never the same. You aren't alone.
I realize sometimes waking up in the morning and getting out of bed is progress. After that we learn to grow.

I'm glad you are here.

welcome.

Welcome- you sound as though you are insightful and growing. You are learning who you are. That is growth.
I don't always check in all the time but people have a lot of good information and experience. Therefore I'm glad when I do.