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Working on my recovery for CPSD. I have encountered a recently issue that really left me rattled.

We are all familiar with being profoundly influenced by behavior towards us by people who don't have our best interest at heart.

Recently met someone who presented as someone balanced, smart, open. I let down my guard, just a little bit, and wham. Next thing I know I've got a covert psyco on my hands trying to manipulate me and projecting their bad behavior on me. We have all encountered a similar situation before. But this time things were handled differently by me...

As soon as the manipulations started and the twisting of words and the attempt at trying to guilt me started, I tapped into the old familiar feeling of being a dependent, helpless kid again. I was determined not to let this continue. It was a real shocker to the predator as they did not expect me to become aware nor have the skills to walk away from the situation.

What really helped me in this new relationship was that I was no longer that helpless dependent child. I am now an adult. Capable of accessing the situation, and shutting the predator down. Yeah, my vulnerabilities were targeted, and yeah, everything was turned around and projected back onto me. It always hurts when that happens even though we know what's going on. I'd rather a predator show me their true colors early on so it can be delt with as soon as possible than doubt myself and allow the manipulations continue.

I stopped a predator dead in their tracks today. Am I shaking, upset, angry and shaking in my own skin right now? Heck yeah I am. But as unpleasant the feelings come into my awareness, I'd rather deal with some pain now and reclaim myself, rather than not listening to my gut and having the torture go on and on, eroding everything new I have learned, I'm sticking to my guns. I've stopped the continuation of being a victim. I've stood up for myself.

I'm not asking for you all to fix my feelings, only time and compassion for myself will heal me. But I really wanted to share this with you all. That we can stand up and say "no, the buck stops here", do what you want, say what you want, I will not budge from my convictions. This doesn't mean I won't have some strong, unpleasant emotions, it means that I've disengaged so I can start to heal.

I really wish that standing up for ourselves will bring immediate relief once we have recognized the problem and deal with it, it just doesn't work that way. We have to reclaim and love ourselves enough to go through a small amount of pain, instead of jumping back into the frying pan of emotional * and having our spirits torn apart once again.

I have worked too hard to let this happen again.

Could use some support, but ultimately, it's up to me to ask you all for the support that you can offer to me. I hanging on here, knowing that each second is one second closer to regaining my self-esteem, therefore allowing me to get on with the business of living and keeping that positive support around me.

I take solace in the knowledge that a predator came into my life, saw the goodness in me, thought they could exploit me and came away dead wrong. So I took action to let them know, I'm not the doormat I appear to be just because I showed my open and vulnerable side...knowing that I probably surprised the predator and oh would I have liked to have been a fly on that wall to watch his own undoing slam right into his own face.

Who's with me?

Oh boy! I finally met the gal to see if she was real. She was real. Invited her to go swimming (and stay away from inside my apartment). As she drove over, there was a storm coming in so we didn't go swimming.

I won't go into details here, but the general outcome of the date was horrible and triggering. I met a very sick woman and felt triggered by her aggressiveness, rudeness, and downright mean spirit.

The date only lasted about 2 hours as I had to tell her to leave. She brought wine which is okay, but then pulled out a pipe and some weed. In my dating profile, I wrote that I didn't want to date anyone who does illegal drugs. She explained that "everyone does it". I told her I didn't. She stated that she knew that from my profile and explained that the reason she listed herself as a non-drinker or recreational drug user was because she didn't want someone she dated doing these things. Doesn't make any sense. I got really uneasy. I felt like I was in her apartment instead of mine and she had not even been there for an hour. I started to feel real panicky because these things happened in my childhood. My abuser did this to me. Would just run over my boundaries until I gave in.

The best thing to happen that night was that after she drank the whole bottle of wine she brought herself (and she gave me a hard time for not drinking any), she said she needed to go get more wine. As she left down the stairs I waited until she got to her car and I leaned over the railing of my balcony and said, you know, this is not working out for me, please don't come back. I don't know where I got the guts to say that, but I did it! Boy was she mad, I didn't stick around to hear the nasty words she began to yell at me... I did here here her car door slam and screech out of the parking lot.

Although, I came inside, locked all the windows and doors, curled up into a ball shaking like a leaf. I did some breathing exercises, wrote in my journal. I went to my safety plan if I ever got this triggered. That helped a lot. The one thing that stuck out in my safety plan was that I was no longer dependent upon an abuser, I was an adult now. It still took me a couple of days to release the trigger, the feelings, and the ghost-like imprint I had in my head.

A few years ago, I might have just played it off as just her being a little aggressive and that everything that was abusive (she said some stuff that made me feel bad about myself, heck, it would have even made someone without CPTSD feel bad, or at least angry).

But I think back to before my recovery... I remember blaming myself for other's bad behavior. I probably would have continued the relationship years ago. I would have bent over backward to gain this person's approval. I would have done stuff for her that I would have hated myself for doing.

I am so glad I have this place to come to and share. Thank you all for being here. Thank you for reading this.

I was wondering if anyone else had trouble meeting someone new and dating?

I've met someone through a dating site...yes, I know, trying to be careful. I can't help but feel every day that maybe I'm being scammed somehow? I feel downright paranoid. Everything I hear from her I study to see if she is being honest. I have access to her fb and have heard horror stories about people that get scammed over the internet.

Her fb really looks legit. The only thing is that her phone number is listed in a completely different state than we are in. She says that her daughter and her have the same phone plan and it works out better financially for the both of them. I did a reverse phone lookup and found that the number belonged to a different lady.

I haven't met this person yet of course. If I can't seem to trust anyone, how can I meet someone? What steps can I take to prove or disprove that this person is real?

Finally starting to deal with some of my CPTSD issues. I am in therapy and on psych meds (I'm bipolar as well).

I developed this stuff as a child. Father died when I was 6 months, mom committed suicide when I was one.

I was then adopted by a narcissist mom and enabling dad. I became the scapegoat of the family. I was the smallest, most helpless in my family of 8. I've had my soiled panties rubbed in my face as a form of toilet training. This is the hardest thing I've had to admit.

I remember mom yanking my head around by my hair, being thrown into walls, yelled at, accused of stuff I didn't do. Told me that the only reason they adopted me that no one else wanted me.

We had a nanny/live in maid when I was growing up. She knew what was going on and tried to help me the best that she could. She was paid under the table since she was receiving social security so my mom knew she wouldn't tell. If I hadn't of had this nanny, I swear I'd be such a mess.

As it is, although I use to work (I  am even a veteran), the flashbacks and my memory is so messed up, I am unable to work.

I want the flashbacks/nightmares and obsessive scenarios to stop constantly going through my head.

My family claims they did nothing wrong and say that I am making up the bad parts.

I was also bullied at school as I was the smallest (I would hardly eat and I used to pull out my hair after I got adopted) and I was very quiet and shy. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and not have to worry about "next time".

I'm working on building up my self-esteem. It was fine when I was in the military. There, when somene did something wrong, we all got into trouble. No one person was singled out for verbal/emotional abuse and neglect. Even though my bio family provided a trust fund for us, my mom was unable to love.

Just trying to get going again because these flashbacks are taking days, sometimes weeks to overcome if I get triggered.

Thank you for reading this.

I was constantly on watch just to survive and not feel that adrenaline shock running through my body.