Hi There,
I developed CPTSD in childhood but didn't know about it until a few months ago. I started therapy for my severe anxiety back in November 2017 and it led to a pretty interesting journey. My therapists (I have a trauma specialist as well as a normal therapist) believe that my mother might have BPD and that my CPTSD stems from 29 years of continuous emotional abuse.
I've been struggling lately. I had a discussion with my trauma specialist on the phone this morning because of an incident that happened with my mother the other day. My mother essentially made up an entirely fictional situation and firmly believed that she was right. It was extremely disturbing. And even though she's done this in the past, it's only ever been about conversations and not about my actual actions. This time it was about a solid few minutes where she believed I had been physically DOING something.
I'm still struggling to come to terms with the fact that I've been abused my entire life. That my mother has been extremely emotionally abusive and manipulative. I feel like such a terrible person for even thinking it. But even thinking about interacting with her has me sweating and shaking. I don't go to family events any more because I know that she'll be there. My friends have all mentioned how they think what's going on with her is getting so much worse and how they've actually been able to see a shift in me whenever I talk about her.
I feel really lost. My entire existence has revolved around my mother's abuse. I was defined, up until now, by that abuse. What do I do? Who am I?
I know that it's a good thing that I'm starting to work through all of this. I know that I need to. And I honestly feel a lot better than I did before I started discovering all of this. But I still feel lost.
Even just thinking about hitting the post button on this has me panicking because the only people I've talked to about this are my therapists and my closest friend. And even then I haven't told my closest friend everything that's gone on in therapy.
I developed CPTSD in childhood but didn't know about it until a few months ago. I started therapy for my severe anxiety back in November 2017 and it led to a pretty interesting journey. My therapists (I have a trauma specialist as well as a normal therapist) believe that my mother might have BPD and that my CPTSD stems from 29 years of continuous emotional abuse.
I've been struggling lately. I had a discussion with my trauma specialist on the phone this morning because of an incident that happened with my mother the other day. My mother essentially made up an entirely fictional situation and firmly believed that she was right. It was extremely disturbing. And even though she's done this in the past, it's only ever been about conversations and not about my actual actions. This time it was about a solid few minutes where she believed I had been physically DOING something.
I'm still struggling to come to terms with the fact that I've been abused my entire life. That my mother has been extremely emotionally abusive and manipulative. I feel like such a terrible person for even thinking it. But even thinking about interacting with her has me sweating and shaking. I don't go to family events any more because I know that she'll be there. My friends have all mentioned how they think what's going on with her is getting so much worse and how they've actually been able to see a shift in me whenever I talk about her.
I feel really lost. My entire existence has revolved around my mother's abuse. I was defined, up until now, by that abuse. What do I do? Who am I?
I know that it's a good thing that I'm starting to work through all of this. I know that I need to. And I honestly feel a lot better than I did before I started discovering all of this. But I still feel lost.
Even just thinking about hitting the post button on this has me panicking because the only people I've talked to about this are my therapists and my closest friend. And even then I haven't told my closest friend everything that's gone on in therapy.