Messages

Sorry to hear what you're going through. I can identify with feeling that I want to end my life.  One thing that helped me was to realize I was having compassion for myself, it's nothing to feel ashamed of, despite what people say, because it's a natural and caring response.  My life has been very hard and the painful feelings are so difficult.  The thought of suicide is being compassionate to myself, not wanting to endure any more pain. Who would want a loved one to suffer so much?  But I have hope from going to therapy that things can get better without having to do that.  There are treatments that work for people like us, even some that can be done without a therapist, like IFS and EMDR, though I recommend a skilled developmental trauma/CPTSD therapist, as it's helped me immensely.

There are things the brain does naturally that can cause us harm in the long run.  Dulling pain with drugs and alcohol.. dissociating in all it's forms is natural function of the brain and not a flaw to be ashamed of.  The brain is doing what evolution made it to do, it's about survival.  But if we want to get better we have to come out of the dissociation and heal the trauma underneath.  We were meant to be in communities that naturally evolved ways of releasing trauma and healing the person through connection with others, but in modern times we don't have that and so get stuck.  We have new ways now of healing though, with modern therapy methods. I do EMDR with a therapist.

But your interpretation seems a bit too black and white. It depends on what you mean by "better". Someone can be better at music and be terrible at sports. There's no one who's better or worse at everything.Trauma makes people suffer, and I don't deny that it's deeply terrible (After all, I lived it myself), but I don't think it stops people from being wise even if it doesn't assure it.  That, or I wouldn't have benefited so much from many of the people here on this forum.

Sorry I don't understand.  I was just saying society glorifies suffering and people who suffer as strong or whatever because thats what they see in the movies.  Not trying to say anything fancy other than that.   

I don't know if this applies to you, but I know society thinks suffering makes people strong and they seem to admire people that have suffered as if they're wiser or better than those who haven't.  The truth is trauma is a horrible thing that ruins lives, and even if someone survives and is functional, they have to suffer with trauma symptoms which is not good at all.   People usually just repeat the beliefs they're taught by others.  The idea that people who suffer or are poor are 'better' than others is really a sick belief.  Those unfortunate enough to go through those things has a very hard life and it's not desirable at all.   People just go by what they see in movies instead of thinking for themselves.

Thanks woodsgnome!     I think it's hard for the person in a sick family that's getting better.  It's a challenge to do things differently than the rest.  But I have to go with my heart and intuition, regardless of anyone else thinks.  I want to respect myself instead of ignoring myself like in the past.  I'm learning to do that now, not to censor any of my feelings. 

It seems this society is based around not feeling.  Anything to distract from feelings.  People tell me I'm angry, but they seem to be much worse.  I direct my anger at my abusers, they direct it at themselves.  I can tell because they're anxious and depressed.  They speak fondly of their abusers and tell me I'm wrong for being angry at mine.  It's like being a black sheep, yet knowing you're right but no one believes you.  I think they can't face their anger because of the sadness beneath it is too much.  I agree it's very hard to start feeling the intense sadness of being abused by your parents.  But the only way to get better is to put the blame where it's supposed to be.  They'd rather keep blaming themselves, and their body is rebelling because of it with anxiety and, health problems.  That's their business and I would just be concerned about my own problems but they insist on accusing me.  I think they're jealous and angry at me for doing what they can't.

I just try to take care of myself as best I can by doing therapy and all my personal healing work.  When I drink I can go too far also, but I don't think it's uncommon or bad, in IFS they call it the firefighter.  It's natural for the brain to try to block out the pain. The brain is doing what it's supposed to. Instead of focusing on the drinking, which is a symptom, I focus on the pain underneath.  That takes time and dedication, caring for myself daily because I'm not a bad person, I have developmental trauma that affects my adult life. 

I've heard that before and I agree it's a terrible thing to tell people.  Most people simply just don't understand the basics of how humans work, that childhood trauma damages the developing brain and affects adult life.  Society, whether it's secular or religious or new age, all have this same idea that everything is our fault.  But I think the spiritual world seems to get particularly nasty with it, telling people things like they're born sinful or that they're paying for things did in past lives.  It's very sick stuff, the result of ignorance.   We have a hard time seeing the reality because we survive childhood by internalizing the abuse and shame from our caregivers.  So even in adulthood we point to ourselves as the problem, not being able to face that it actually was done to us.  But science lights the way so we can understand reality and begin to heal.  So much pain and destruction could be avoided by understanding how humans work.

I'm so tired of hearing people bad mouth emotions like they're something bad.  can you imagine if there was no anger at child abuse? 

I can't believe there's still so much ignorance about repressed memories. Knowledge of it has been around forever and there's tons of scientific proof.  This ignorance is so damaging and wrong. They just let others tell them what to believe and don't look into it themselves.    Doesn't anyone care about reality, facts, science, and most of all the victims of abuse?   

Sorry to hear people are telling you not to blame your parents.  I definitely blame my parents and think they're trash unworthy of any kind of caring.  And I see absolutely nothing wrong with feeling that way.  I don't think there's such a thing as a wrong emotion.  It seems like I hear all the time people telling me what I can't feel or think.  Personally I think it's ignorant and they don't know too much self-compassion.  I think it takes a lot of compassion for yourself to go against the crowd and feel whatever you feel uncensored and without guilt.  The reality is we have every right to blame our parents and to be as angry as we are.   I let myself think and feel whatever I want and don't care what anyone else says.

I hadn't heard of angering, I find it very validating thank you so much! 

It doesn't even cross my mind to act out strong hateful thoughts and feelings against abusers in real life, it's just how I feel and I don't believe there's such thing as a wrong emotion.  If I feel angry at the person now even though what they did in was in the past, I can do that if I feel like it.  I can feel hate and resent as much as I want uncensored.  I'm so grateful for that.  All my life and still today I'm told what I can and can't feel,  also told by implication that some emotions are 'lesser than' others, and someone who feels certain emotions is lesser or not as progressed in recovery.  My instinct is to disagree, I think a person whos make tons of progress in recovery can still be a nasty son of gun and the most compassionate person on the planet at the same time.   

I had a thought maybe find people that understand trauma, how it affects the human nervous system and are willing to work with therapy models in the relationship.  Where are people that understand trauma and CPTSD besides randomly finding them?

Hi, I've heard many times that it's very helpful to have a partner that is supportive and compassionate because we can learn maybe for the first time in our lives what healthy love is like and it's supposed to be very healing for those with CPTSD/DTD.  I don't mean depending on someone to fix us, but after we've gone about as far as we can go with our own self-care and compassion. 

What are some ideas about finding someone like that?  The CPTSD therapists say it's very helpful to have, but as far as finding someone, they just seem to say "if you're lucky enough".  But what are some ways to improve our luck?  Are there particular place, communities, websites, groups, that might be helpful? 

Hi, just wanted to introduce myself and looking forward to the support here. I have CPTSD and am seeing a therapist.  I use the internet for social interaction and support as I don't have much going on outside of it.  Hopefully I'll get better and make more friends though.  I think I will, it's just my whole life (I'm 45) has been isolation and loneliness so it takes time.