Messages

Hi badmemories.

Your post really set me thinking.

Like you,  I have lived in a small town for twenty years and definitely still feel like I don't belong.   Like you,  I have never felt I belonged. Scapegoat in my family,  bullied at school,  never fitted in whilst working.  So no surprise that I never feel I belong in this town.

However,  I was really interested to note how you feel you know little about other people,  whereas I have realised that I know a lot about people who don't even know I exist.

Since getting a dog, I have got out more and met more people.  Often I know who these people are,  who their children are etc, etc.  But when I say I remember them,  for example,  their children were at school with mine and we chatted occasionally,  they seem to have no recollection of me.

It's sort of the opposite of your situation but I feel sure that both our experiences are part of c-ptsd. Perhaps you feel that your world isn't real, whilst I feel like my world and the people in it are real, but I am not real.  Sort of opposite sides of the same coin.  Both equally unsettling.

I don't really have any advice.  I just wanted to say that I understand that feeling of not belonging.  I suppose I just try CBT techniques - tell myself it's not personal, many years have passed,  everyone is very busy.  But this sense of not belonging and not feeling real is really hard to get you head around.

Best wishes.

Libby.

Hi blues_cruise.

It's good to hear that you are reconnecting,  a little,  with your brother,  but I can understand fully why you feel so anxious.  When my relationship with my parents fell apart completely,  my sister said of our childhood " It wasn't like that. That's just how YOU remember it." It was odd really,  because we hadn't been discussing our childhood.  In fact,  we never really had because she had resisted any attempts so completely.  Like your brother,  I believe our childhood adversely affected her too,  but she was not the scapegoat,  and denies there was any issue.  Consequently,  we have been absolute NC for over five years.  My parents have contacted me a couple of times to see if I am ready to apologise to them,  but nothing at all from sister.  I have sent cards etc but with no response. For me, there is no prospect of any contact now, and I am quite accepting of this. After all, nm controlled everything so we never really had a relationship separate to her.

So, sorry for the long story. I think it shows that for me, NC with parents meant NC with sister. As, however,  you have maintained some contact with your brother, maybe there is scope for establishing a new type of relationship with him. If my sister had left any route open,  I think I would have seen how things went.

I think,  however,  that you are absolutely right to protect yourself at all times. Like my sister,  he has a different experience of parental relationships than you and I do, so I wonder whether our siblings would ever be able to accept our point of view. 

I wish you all the best in whatever you decide is right for you with regards to your brother.   I hope you feel able to let us know how things progress.

Libby

Just wanted to say hello and welcome.

I can really relate to your situation. After a lifetime of abuse from my parents,  I can now see so clearly how I took everything out on my poor husband. 

After having a period of complete "breakdown",  getting help, piecing together all of the elements that led to this, and going NC with my family,  I really am healing.  My husband isn't keen to discuss my worst behaviour,  but I gave him the Pete Walker c-ptsd book, and he will now say things like 'the book says...' so I know he is supporting me. This might be an idea for you and your husband.

Being here has helped me so much and I hope we can do the same for you. 

All the best,

Libby.

Hi Jazzy.

Just wanted to check in with you and say that I am so sorry to hear that you are having such a rotten time of it. The recurring dreams sound terrible and I know how the feelings and emotions from a night of bad dreams hang around all day, and seem to infect everything.

The scenario you describe with the garbage is exactly the sort of thing that really gets to me as well.  In itself,  it's something quite straightforward but soon becomes something much more 'global.' Then this is confirmed by the computer story (which I think I heard about,  but, unlike you,  I don't fully understand). It all just gets too much and too huge.  To me, it's a form of catastrophising,  possibly with elements of EFs thrown in.  After all, we are small and powerless,  so we can't do anything about it. This sort of reasoning is starting to help me understand why I have these feelings.  Perhaps it fits in a bit with the way you have been feeling.   I do seem to be doing a bit better at identifying feelings and their triggers,  and it does seem to be helping me overall.   My elderly in-laws are a big trigger to me, and I am hoping I can cope with seeing them next weekend. Apart from the fact that they set off personal triggers in me, they also set off extreme fears about how the country, economy etc can cope with all of these elderly people.   So the 'personal' anxiety becomes a 'global' anxiety.   

Anyway,  I hope that you are coping and am always keen to hear from you.  I would have replied sooner but I dropped my phone into the toilet! In the past,  I would have been so down on myself about this, but I was actually really calm. 

Take care of yourself.

Libby.

BTW,  pleased to hear you have a cat.  I have a lovely dog.  She has made a huge difference to my life!