Haven't been here in a while. My marriage just imploded last week and we are now in the process of separating. We had an argument the other day. I got triggered and my rage just got out of control. I wrote this at 3am as I couldn't sleep and was so upset about what had happened.
I'M SORRY
Tonight I realized so many things.
My pain was excruciating. And yeah, i'm talking about my pain again,
Because it was the most agonizing thing
I had felt in a very long time.
Not because of the hurt you caused me,
But because for the first time,
I realized how much pain I've caused you.
Tonight,
As the anger and the words left my mouth and hit the air...
I wanted to take them back...
As I looked at our son on the couch
Knowing I had totally disregarded his presence
Before yelling words
I knew I would instantly regret...
When you took him and went upstairs...
There it was. So heavy on you as you walked away...
I could see it so clearly
As if you were carrying a mountain.
I've promised myself so many times
I would NEVER do this to anyone,
And yet, here it is.
I am so incredibly sorry...
I cannot express to you the shame, guilt and pain I feel
For hurting you so deeply...
This rage inside of me is one of my darkest demons
That I fight
Every. Single. Day.
When things get dark and cold, and I feel unsafe...
It comes out to play.
I watch it take over me, and I momentarily loose control...
Until yet again,
These words I will regret hit the air.
I am not proud of this, I carry so much shame inside of me.
I hate it, it makes me hate myself.
No... I am angry
At you Mom... you did this to me.
It is not who I am inside, my true self.
I want to scream it so loud.
It is just yet another
Parasite I still need to shed.
And I will. Oh I will.
I love you.
I'm sorry.
I'M SORRY
Tonight I realized so many things.
My pain was excruciating. And yeah, i'm talking about my pain again,
Because it was the most agonizing thing
I had felt in a very long time.
Not because of the hurt you caused me,
But because for the first time,
I realized how much pain I've caused you.
Tonight,
As the anger and the words left my mouth and hit the air...
I wanted to take them back...
As I looked at our son on the couch
Knowing I had totally disregarded his presence
Before yelling words
I knew I would instantly regret...
When you took him and went upstairs...
There it was. So heavy on you as you walked away...
I could see it so clearly
As if you were carrying a mountain.
I've promised myself so many times
I would NEVER do this to anyone,
And yet, here it is.
I am so incredibly sorry...
I cannot express to you the shame, guilt and pain I feel
For hurting you so deeply...
This rage inside of me is one of my darkest demons
That I fight
Every. Single. Day.
When things get dark and cold, and I feel unsafe...
It comes out to play.
I watch it take over me, and I momentarily loose control...
Until yet again,
These words I will regret hit the air.
I am not proud of this, I carry so much shame inside of me.
I hate it, it makes me hate myself.
No... I am angry
At you Mom... you did this to me.
It is not who I am inside, my true self.
I want to scream it so loud.
It is just yet another
Parasite I still need to shed.
And I will. Oh I will.
I love you.
I'm sorry.