Messages

Ok, some good news first. I started EMDR therapy. Even during the first session (just telling my story) I felt very validated, I did not freeze at all and I can even say that I felt grounded and alive after it.  We did not start the EMDR sessions yet but I strongly think the therapist is a good fit.

I blocked my ex-boss on my phone. He seems like an overt N and I had a very codependent relationship with him. Though I stopped working for him 2 years ago, we were still in touch. But, not anymore.

I think I have found an antidote to one of the worst feelings I often have or flashback to; I am not a part of family/friends/humanity/earth and will never fit in anywhere. The universe does not question whether I am entitled to exist. I exist therefore I am a part of this. Even after I stop existing, my body will be buried here and be a part of a new life (I am not talking about reincarnation). Noone can change this fact. Noone has that kind of a power. Not my M, not me. I had thought about it before but I think this time it sinks in. I guess I finally stopped feeling like Frankenstein's monster.

I generally have some kind of realization, sometimes feels like a catharsis, during full moons. This again makes me feel one with all the things that exist and arouses so much love in me.

On the other hand, rage and hatred are coming up like a flood. I had a mild breakdown two weeks ago and started to look for a room. Then canceled the appointments I made, after seeing the EMDR therapist. Because I felt that I need to feel free to make a decision. My decision to move out is coming from a need to run away because I can't handle the feelings (anger and hatred or even numbness). Now, I kind of regret it because I don't understand why I am making this to myself. Sometimes, it feels like I have two realities.

from all that i've learned, and from experience as well, i've got my own perspective of what's going on.  maybe it doesn't make sense for you, and that's ok.  just ignore it then. 

No, it makes a lot of sense. I have had a lot to write about this but I can't right now.

A lot of things happened in the last few days. Most of them are very positive. Today, I am just exhausted. I am too tired to  even think and write.

Thank you Sanmagic and Rocket,


I removed my post about emotional abuse in my journal because it made me uncomfortable. I mean there was not any uncomfortable emotion/shame, just a persistent thought persuading me to delete it. Maybe I was not ready to be more open. Maybe I was afraid to be judged, belittled, ridiculed (I know it never happens here). Maybe a part of me (probably an inner child) stopped me. I don't know.

-Might be triggering-

Anyway, my M is super super nice to me lately. She keeps telling me how pretty I am. She incessantly says that she loves me. She even asks me about my day when I come home, which is kind of new.
I don't trust her. I mean I can't. I know I am not crazy. Sometimes I think all that anger I have inside, blinded me to who they really are. Maybe she is indeed nice and loving. However, this does not explain why I feel so much anger towards her in the first place or why I have this intrusive daydreams for more than 10 years about leaving home and never seeing them again. If I wish I can justify her behavior except for some cases where she was truly sadistic, truly enjoyed breaking me into pieces. I can't justify that.  One person can't be truly loving me so much and hurting me intentionally. One of those is all lies and I can't understand this. If she enjoys my misery, how can she act like she loves me most of the time?   

Before I found about here, CPTSD, etc,  I literally thought I was going crazy. Now, I know that I am not crazy. Still, I guess I will never understand this.

i agree with deep blue on this.  plus, you can use the therapy for building resources for yourself, building up your strengths, and adding to your coping mechanisms - all designed to help make the move easier and quicker for yourself.  if you explain to your t what's going on, it's possible that you don't need to get into anything too deep before you're out of there when you'll finally have the time and space to deal with more intense issues.

i don't believe you're making anything up or overreacting.  attempting to heal within toxic surroundings is very difficult.  if you're even thinking about going nc after you move out, that indicates to me that you're surrounded by poison, which means getting out is what will help save your life.  survival has been one of our greatest strengths.  knowing you need to get out is a survival mechanism, to my mind.

Thank you San,

Both for the validation and good advice. I just send an e-mail to a therapist whom I talked with two months ago. I hope she is still available.

In my experience the longer I stayed.. the longer i suffered.  What was best for me was to get help right away and some of the help gave me more motivation to get out.

Hi deepblue,
This is actually helpful. I guess I just needed to hear this from someone other than myself. Thank you.

Hello,

I need to hear some opinion on this, so I decided to write here. Is there an optimal time for starting therapy?

I was thinking about seeking help after I move out, but cognitive dissonance is wearing me down. On the one hand, I am constantly thinking -mostly in the form of intrusive daydreams- about leaving/going NC etc. On the other hand, I believe I am making it up/overreacting etc.  So, I can't think thoroughly enough to make a solid plan when this is happening on a daily basis.

I know this is also a symptom of N abuse. I read the symptoms of Cptsd,  codependency, N abuse, and I show all of them including this and My M shows almost all traits of NPD.

My concern is if I start therapy and in case it works for me, I will be dealing with a lot of repressed feelings. I dont know if I can handle it while still living with my FOO. Also, I am not sure how I am gonna do the actual moving-out when I go in-between there is abuse/there is no abuse and both of them feels real.

I hope what I am saying is making sense.

Thanks.

I remember when I was young and other students were pairing up for an assignment, I'll nearly always be the last to be paired up. Either people didn't like me, or even if there were people who did, they weren't close enough friends.

Hello Decimal,
I used to experience the same thing, especially in PE classes when I was young. Even the PE teachers along with some other teachers were thinking I have some kind of problem. I know how much being left out hurts especially when you are that young.

Maybe that's one of the reasons I'm still disgusted with myself today because some people certainly were back then.

Also, familiar feelings.  if you want.

those are some incredible realizations, berceuse.  good for you.  to me, that's a big first step in figuring this stuff out.  it sounds like you have a much clearer picture of what's gone on, what part you and others have played in all this, and what you might want to do differently.  big first step.

Thank you Sanmagic,
Hearing that this is the first step for you, helped me see that I'm on the right track.

I agree with everything San said. It's big realizations that you've gained there! It's really big, and it's the first step forward!
if it's okay with you?

Thank you Sceal,
to you, too.

It's another step to independence by trusting ourselves, and leaving actions that make it more likely for us to doubt ourselves. That's an amazing step, Ber.

Thank you DecimalRocket,
After putting my trust into others and depending on them, it is so hard to do this but also crucial.

Yesterday while I was on my way home, I was thinking about how I gaslight myself. After years of conditioning not to trust my own senses, I became really good at that.

The other day, my friend texted me that she got really bored sitting at home. She didn't directly ask me to go out together but implied it or I felt that way. Anyway, I immediately started to fantasize how can I relieve her boredom, amuse her, make her happy etc. Where should we go, what should I talk about, if I say this she might feel/think blah blah; If I do this she might react like this or that, etc. I started to get lost in people-pleasing daydreams again. Then while I was getting dressed, she did not answer to my texts on where to go, what to do, for a while. I started to think, nobody really wants to be around me because I am sad/nervous/unhappy/X all the time. I started to feel I am too exhausted to go meet her and be another person who now barely can hide all these feelings bottled up inside. I texted her that I don't want to go out. I could not understand why I wrote that. I started to blame myself for changing my mind, not feeling like going out, disappointing her and do "no one is going to love you, they'll dump you blah blah" talking.

I don't want to read into this too much. It is a codependent trait and I do that kind of energy-consuming thinking/feeling for everyone and I automatically suppress the tiniest bit of feeling (I guess I really did not want to go out) I have, then I get mad at me for not knowing how I feel. Also, it might be that I am too scared that people are going to abandon me, so I should be the one who does that first. This was what my therapist told me when I was seeing one. I don't know. I really don't want to and am indeed avoiding seeing my friends for a while because after realizing that I am trying to please them and getting mad at myself when I am not able to do it, I don't want to do this anymore and now I simply don't know how to behave. They're not very eager to see me either.

Anyway, I decided to write kind of a list of my M's narcissistic behavior, so when I gaslight myself again or justify her behavior I can read it and remind myself this is why I want to be far far away from her but I started to feel too tired and can do it later today.

Dear shankara,
I am sorry you felt and still feel similar. It is just such a terrible emotion. Thank you for your support though

I was planning to write a long post about what I recently found about boundaries -obviously I have none- and codependence, but right now I am having trouble with words again.

Just a quick reminder for later. It will be very benefical if I practice setting boundaries before moving out, because one the reasons of my moving back with my sister is her telling me that I don't feel safe in my house (the house I moved out to) because it is old and in bad condition and she also told me that she did not like my roommate. So, I let her tell me how I feel and why I feel that way and I put more trust in her opinion about "my feelings" than trying to find out what "I" feel. I have serious trouble finding out how I feel about things. People, esp foo, take advantage of this and I obviously let them. I dont talk anything personal with M anymore and it took me 23 years to realize how she uses what I told, the most vulnerable things, against me, to hurt me later. But my sister. I dont think she is an N yet she tries to control me. Anyways, I need to stop being vulnerable to her. This is a big NO.
My foo enjoys seeing me fail esp having no social, independent life. I have seen this many times.
Ps. I am not responsible for other people's feelings and thoughts. This is quite a shock to me after years of feeling responsible for pleasing everyone. Literally everyone.

edit.

Thank you, DecimalRocket 

I have a thought-stopping imagination exercise. I imagine a wheel like a huge water wheel or even a bike wheel and then I put a stick through the spokes. That actually helps! Because sometimes taking a break from thinking can help.

Thank you, Blueberry for your advice. I'll try that.

I am exhausted. I have been obsessively thinking about moving out and NC. From the moment I wake up till I go to bed and all day at work, I kept thinking about it. I kept imagining their reactions. On the one hand, I know I want to and need to do this for myself. On the other hand, I am curious why I am so obsessed with their reaction? I want to do this because I want to hurt them? If this is the case, I don't think it is the right time for me. I just don't know how I feel about this and I am too tired to think. I was reminding myself to read about setting boundaries. Maybe, it is related to that. I am going to read about it when I am able to. 

I don't think my friendships are working either. I am just dead inside and trying to fake normal human reactions and even unable to do that most of the time. I feel so left out, disconnected, frozen especially when I am with them. I am so tired of this. I know them for almost 8 years and I am not sure we have ever really bonded. I am not sure I have ever bonded with anybody. I think they also do feel that way about me. I am just so tired of this. Nothing feels real and I missed feeling real in a real world so much. I guess this is my dissociation.

I lost my physical journal. I just need a good long cry so much. My eyes are filled with tears but they just disappear. I can't cry.

This is the only place I can talk about these things. I have a strong urge to apologize for being so selfish but I guess this is my journal and it is okay.

Hey Blueberry,
Thanks for the hugs  . I don't know the answer either. I guess it is okay not to know.

I don't feel anything in your posts like a cold-hearted narc though!!

And Thanks for telling me this. It is the subject which I have the most fear about probably.

I guess I will never figure it out by pondering on it. I seem to get even more lost when I try to figure this out. Fear attracts fear and I just get lost in my thoughts along with daydreaming. These are the ones that do not include an ideal version of me. My personality in my daydreams seems to go inbetween idealized me in a perfect world where it is safe to express feelings and me who feels deep toxic shame and expecting people to get mad at me for the tiniest mistakes. The latter was actually so strong when I started to work in a 9-5 job again. I was expecting my boss, who seems to be so nice and understanding, to come to my room and yell at me because of how slow I am, how I can make such a mistake or to simply fire me.  I think the latter is more related to codependent part of me. I am a freeze-fawn type. I don't think I have a codependent relationship anymore but it still runs deep in my thoughts. I used to have a very codependent relationship with a friend of mine for 8 years and I went nc with her when I found about narcissistic abuse. I think this was 2-3 years ago. It was also the same time I realized M could also be a narc. After finding out, I had told her that I am going to get her and my friend out of my life.  She just laughed about it and repeated what I said in a humiliating voice. I am almost sure my grandmother (my M's mother) was a narc. I lived with two of them growing up. I can even see the  GC, SG pattern in my mother's family. My M seems to be the SG and she had a very codependent relationship with my grandmother; she devoted all her time and energy to a woman (grandm.) who keeps insulting her, shows no sign of affection and keeps comparing M with her brother (GC). That's why I empathized with her so much and for so long but she was never able to see me. It felt like I never had a chance to be a child. Rather a medium that was made to hear her, help her with her troubles and expect nothing in return because she loved me. There was no room for me in that relationship.
I was not expecting to write these things.

I am not sure if I can explain this properly but I will try. I think this is one of my core beliefs. I feel hated. I am not sure who is the subject of this hate.   It happens esp when I write in other's journals here. I feel so much shame about ıt that i wish i were invisible. The pattern is like this: I said such a bad thing and I did not even realize it( it is my mistake) and ı hurt sb so bad and they now hate me.
I know my M used this "you hurt me, you made me sad" thing a lot but I dont think she hates me. I know she does not like me, never wanted me but ıt is not hatred. But I feel hated and even disgusted by. I may not be grammatically correct here. Sorry for that.  In sum, I felt like this towards my self esp when I am in college and before that. I know abuse programmed us to hate ourselves. I understand that ıt was also a coping mechanism but now I dont directly say things like I hate myself rather I strongly feel hated though I see no proof of that. Is this some kind of projection? May be. I am so afraid of becoming a cold hearted narc and not even realizing it. I used to have so much empathy and love in me.  Now I feel rage, hatred, fear and having lots of trouble to emphatize with other people's pain and feelings. I feel so cold inside and I think sometimes I just imitate what is expected of me in terms of emotions and emphaty.
Yesterday I tried screaming into my pillow. I am not sure if ıt was audible or not to neighbours but I felt a lot better after that. I really need to get this rage out of me. I dont want to be that kind of person who is full of hate and rage and reacting out of ıt. I will try my best not to be that.

Thank you so much Blueberry.

Today, I numbed out myself all day watching my favorite animation series. I am rewatching it, I don't know, maybe for the third time.

Yesterday, I was watching a video of a very young woman who gave a speech in march for our lives. I really admired her strength and how her trauma, her brother was a victim of gun violence, caused her to raise her voice against the injustice. It made me cry. I am unable to find words to describe my feelings and my thoughts though I want to talk more about it.

I wonder if I will ever feel connected to me/people/my environment. Apart from a few moments of feeling totally alive (I really remember three instances), I have always felt dead inside. One was when I finally said a big No to my abusive former-boss. When I was waiting in the subway station after the talk with him, suddenly colors were vivid, my vision was clear (no fuzziness) and I felt normal. Normally, I am especially overwhelmed in crowded places like that. The world usually feels like a two-dimensional cartoon movie to me and suddenly it was just normal and normal is such a beautiful thing. I don't think people who did not feel like this are aware that "normal" is such a great thing and I will probably strive my whole life to feel normal again or maybe I will just give up.

While I was listening to radio, I heard a song of David Bowie, called Underground and the lyrics resonated a lot with me. It is the description of how I feel every day and I don't even know I fell to the underground or was just born there.

maybe it's technically progress that i'm having more feelings i can actually feel and identify, but it's really making me miserable most of the time.  i can still laugh, be sociable, have a good time, but when the distractions are over, i really don't like the way i feel, don't like the situation i'm in, and am having a more difficult time dealing with it all.

if this is progress, i'm really sorry that i'm making any, cuz it doesn't feel like it at all.  it feels worse than where i was a year ago, as far as me, personally.  maybe i've just been thru too much and it's taking its toll in this manner, and i'm not even aware.  or it's been so bad for so long that i don't even know anymore.

Hello San,

I actually %100 agree with your opinion here that it is a progress. It resonated a lot with me because I was writing about how I start to think "everything is going worse" once I moved out last summer. My explanation for this is that I start to dissociate less and feel more once I am away from my main triggers and because I was not yet very capable of regulating those emotions and calm myself down, my mind tried to explain the distress with a similar thought pattern. Now, back with my foo again, I think the reason was my incapability to regulate my emotions (mostly fear and anxiety at the time) because of trauma. Also, I think it certainly was a progress and it would go better if I decided to stay. Now, I actually miss and looking for feeling worse though I will probably not say that when I am in the middle of it.