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Hi sundance, and welcome 

This is a place where you won't bum anyone out... it's a place where you can let go of the feeling that nobody wants to hear it, or they won't understand...

Presenting well is such a double edged sword, I do it extremely well too, and it comes from having a lot of strength to survive, the flip side being it's difficult for people to grasp just how much suffering is happening, even ourselves! it's taken my therapist 9 months to get me to see just how painful my days can be... bizarrely that's been such a relief in itself.

I get furious when I hear what past therapists plant in sufferers minds, you know it's not your fault now though right?

Yes... I believe there is a way out of the madness, the way I see it... coming here means you've already reached a better place... understanding takes the madness right down (at least it does for me, not being in a spin of "what? why? and how do I stop this") you are doing the work all the time you are talking about it...

peace.

Hi Ricepen and welcome...

I do think the tiredness is very common, so you are definitely not alone, and I agree that kindness toward yourself is a great help, It's not easy at first, but it can become a new mantra that starts to take hold, fighting it can make it worse, because our internal battles seem to be the cause of it to some degree, it's exhausting being at war with oneself constantly, I consciously try to be the peacemaker and ask if we can take a break from the bickering, and with a little meditation, that seems to have an effect... do what you can when it feels good, and allow yourself the space when it doesn't, you are not wrong or bad at coping, you're in recovery from trauma, and these are symptoms, we can all keep reminding each other of that here, and remind ourselves at the same time...

the fact that you are here and sharing means you are already further down the road than you realise. 

Just back from therapy, and like a few people have said in this post, it's always tough getting in the right mindspace for it, but just keep going, as long as you turn up, you are doing the work... I kept saying at the beginning (I'm 8 months in) "i don't know how to work through it, I don't know how to" he kept telling me that by sitting and talking about it, that is exactly what I am doing... he kept telling me until I heard him...

I am trying to get better, even if it means discussing the unspeakable things that happened to me.  The things I've tried to hide the most keep wanting to come out into the light of day.  I don't know why I can't just forget it all.

Therapy is your chance for those things to come to light, there is a reason they are pushing to get out, a good reason, it means you are ready, that you feel strong enough to deal with them, I told my therapist (after about six months) things I didn't think I could ever tell anybody, things that kept me in the similar cycle of shame and guilt, and the harming, and the starving, and the isolating, it took me most of one session to say one sentence... one I'd rehearsed in my head but was terrified to say out loud, yes, he was shocked, but he also unburdened me of the shame, finally I had said the worst thing I thought I could ever say, and he didn't throw me out, or judge me, or hit me, or ask me to never come back, he told me to keep taking the opportunity to tell my story, so it's no longer a terrible secret, and that has so much power, it gave me a little more freedom, and I discovered I was hungry for more, that actually I do want to live, I do want to progress... we can never forget, but we can look at those horrendous years through more compassionate eyes, then the harming will reduce, the shame will reduce, and feelings will finally start to come.

peace.

ps jd... good luck with this weeks session... hope you get some sleep

welcome silent rhino...

I could have written most of what you've written myself, so you are definitely understood, and I've discovered that by supporting people here, I get to understand myself better by recognising what I see in others...

My therapist took a week off, so I had a fortnight without, on his return I was expressing so many of the things you have posted here, and he reminded me that by the very fact that I'd turned up meant I hadn't given up, I knew how to ask for help, and wanted to untangle myself from the web I feel trapped in...

I struggle with suicidal idealisation too, and have done all my life, but I believe it is a part of me that is trying to protect me from more pain and difficulty, so I try to not see the thoughts as negative anymore, but myself giving an alternative, and a chance for me to choose every day to try, as you do... keep going

Through therapy, I have finally let go of blame, I never thought I'd see the day, really I didn't, there's a long way to go yet, but now I see my father as someone who was very ill, I wasn't victimised, I was part of his reaction to whatever horrendous trauma he went through, I still don't want to see him, I still need to protect myself from him, but I don't see a monster in my head anymore, I see a broken man who was out of control, as my therapist put it this week "you found compassion" If I could give that gift to everyone here who has suffered so much, I would, but believe me, if I found it, I have no doubt we all can... now I can concentrate on myself and not want redemption and justice and obsess about how unfair it was to a small child... I wrangled like you do, to try and understand why, what reason? why did it happen, what did I do? Three Roses said it simply... it wasn't your fault, it wasn't my fault, it wasn't any of our faults... but survive was something we all did, and at some point we had to sit and unburden the strain of the survival... I believe that's what we are all working through right now...

peace to all of you here... we deserve some.

where to start??? I think it's helpful to separate healthy and unhealthy behaviour, maybe by tracing back where it started, and also separating sexual thrill from deeper emotions...

On a base level, the psychosis that you mentioned is there in order for us to mate, simple as that, so if we can look at it in that way, similar to hunger making us want to eat... sometimes it may feel like magic, but that is all it is...

where it gets complicated, as far as CPTSD, is the emotional hunger that has never been satiated, so the need for attention, nurture, comfort and a feeling of being cared for is seemingly never-ending... as far as I understand it, that is the traumatised child that slipped into fantasy to survive the abuse (my therapist has returned to that theme many times, in fact this week, he said to me "given the choice between fantasy and reality, fantasy will win every time")

I'm afraid this might sound so cliche, but I'm gonna say it anyway... because it's true, we look for the love and attention from others because we don't know how to give it to ourselves... I'm still some way from learning how, I'm deep into the process of releasing the damaged child who is totally freaked out by everything but I hope I can connect with it and learn how to give it the love it is so desperate for, but I now know it has to start there, I've a * of a long list of failed relationships/love affairs/connections all because of the same thing... I don't know how to love because I never learned how to trust, I only learned how to distrust, and that love = hurt, so the goal is to change that view to love = nurture... then the repeat cycle hopefully will stop... I know it's all so easy to say, I still battle with the temptations all the time, and I'm far from clean of the behaviour, but if I can say to myself that once I know I can't unknow... then at some point I can convert that knowledge into actual healthy emotional living... I don't know how much of that you can relate to, but I can only talk of my experience, I can only share and hope that you might gain a little something from it...

And as always, remember... the trauma did this to us... we are not the trauma... we are not bad people, we are trying, we are learning and we are reaching out, some good HAS to come from that, we have to believe in that, then the joy in everyday life can come, sometimes I taste it, so I know it's there, and I'm sure you do to... deep down.

peace.

you know, that was why I only lasted a few meetings, I felt that temptation within myself...

I don't want to believe I fake emotions, or that it's not real intimacy, only that I don't know how to process those emotions and end up sabotaging the opportunity of connecting with someone deeply, but I try to be as open minded as I can, so I could be projecting, I just know that there is so much love in me that I need to be directing it toward myself... I've known that for a long time I guess, I am still struggling to actually do it... hoping that someone will show me how... but I need to learn it for myself...

I don't think it's just girls that fantasise about people they don't know... it's safe to be involved in a relationship where the other person isn't involved... I spent so much of my teenage years lost in that dynamic... *, even into my twenties if I'm honest... maybe even still... but in my book, fantasy can be a healthy release, not something to be seen as a weakness...

i shall look up 'thanks for sharing' it's not often it's something I sit and admit to...

sorry that my autocorrect changed hurtbeat to heartbeat... part of the annoyance of technology trying to help!

peace.

Hi heartbeat, a lot of what you posted resonated... I've been to a few SLAA meetings and they helped a little, but attending to my CPTSD has helped lift those impulses a lot more, I'm sticking to the mantra of not entering any kind of romance whilst in treatment (so far so good), I need the attention sometimes, and have unfortunately fallen into behaviour of contacting ex's etc, but curbed the pattern as soon as I observed it... I too fell in love with the idea of the opposite sex at an early age, and was drawn to the hypnotic effect of falling in love (I still am, but much more aware of the reasons why) this time last year I was madly in love and it was reciprocal, I thought I had been abandoned again, but my therapist referred to her as "the one you told to leave you" which hit pretty hard, as I realised I've done that a lot and then indulged in the idea of being denied love (we do this over and over it seems) A shock to discover that it's not because I'm unlovable, but it's me that is frightened of being intimate so makes sure the other gets the message to leave... 

Hi to all who've posted on this thread, and of course to eyessoblue,

I've been on here only a week or so, and was overwhelmed where to start reading and interacting, but this post caught my eye and I was so touched by everything that all of you posted, even the conflicting views mirrored my own contradictions, I am feeling your anger and frustration Coco, tapping into my murderous rage (as my therapist pointed out a "him or me" solution towards my F with nowhere to put it) and also the stoicism of Dee and sanmagic7,  Kizzies experiential story, as I have used alcohol to cope, and still do just the same as you eyessoblue...

I have to say, that my first reactive thought tallied with Coco's... CBT is great for surface rethinking, it helped me control emotional outbursts (usually aggressive and confrontational, leading me to lose work and sabotage places of comfort) but I found it lacked the depths I needed to get to for understanding my subconscious behaviour triggers and dissociated emotional and physical trauma... as I'm now going through psychodynamic therapy, although "brutal" it has finally exposed why I see the world in the way I do, and not just adjust the behaviour... (until I did that the issues just kept reoccurring) I'm still definitely in recovery and a way from some of the other posters, but that gives me hope that there is the other side to the bridge, and I may not just stay frozen on it for ever, to have contact with others, all at different stages of recovery is SO useful and supporting,  I have just arrived back from therapy and I waxed lyrical about how much I've felt connected here and how much it has helped to talk to you all knowing you all get it, and not feel like an alien trying to communicate with the world and getting nowhere... truly for me the biggest beauty of the internet... to be able to reach out to people who will hear you...

I totally agree with the sentiment that you must not be berated for your self medication... my current therapist heard me when I finally told him I'd been drinking, he has barely mentioned it and certainly not judged me or told me what I must or must not do... He never uses that kind of language, which has led me to finally trust someone and let them in... I don't react to a finger wagging or "you know what your problem is" approach from therapists, all my walls come up and I get nowhere, one therapist after a few years gap said "oh I remember you, you didn't engage with me at all" needless to say that didn't set us off to a good start, I think finding the right therapy/therapist is paramount,  I agree that you should stick with your current therapist for now, but they differ so massively in ability and approach, you could definitely benefit from considering looking until you find the chemistry that works, and when it clicks you'll know, our kind of trauma is so powerful that it needs handling soooooooo carefully,  and a good therapist will have no judgement because they can see how that trauma still lives in us, and want to guide us gently toward treating ourselves better than our abusers did (resonance with the posts that swore they would never become like them but we mimic their behaviour towards ourselves)  Mine totally supported coming on here and sharing, so my thought is that you've looked and found somewhere to talk to others who really do understand, and that is worth it's weight in gold... I hope you get as much from this community as I have in such a short time already...

ps... Coco, much love and thanks for expressing yourself strongly, I struggle with expressing my anger when I'm in control and your passion for justice is infectious, my F was a policeman, and when my abuse was flagged up (several times) the system conspired to protect it's own, not me, and your posts helped me to reaffirm to accept I have a right to feel let down by the services that should have protected me... the world isn't fair but boy we have the right to not be happy with that!

peace.