Messages

Rosie, I feel sad for you. I imagine "love" felt very unsafe and conditional for you growing up. That's how your situation feels to me at least.

That's not normal and not what you deserve. I wish you had had what you deserved...to be openly loved without condition. ❤

That's exactly it. I was telling a friend the other day - my parents/family loved me, yes, but it was on their terms and only when they wanted to. Thank you for your kind words!

Hi, Shaun!

Welcome! I'm relatively new here as well, but have already found a lot of support and encouragement.

-Rosie

Thank you for your insights! I'm so sorry to hear about your own situations.

For me, I think it's really the fact that my Foo is so emotionally detached that all of us are unable to fully connect. I know I am loved, but I don't feel appreciated. Like, they just take my existence for granted, and never really ask how I am emotionally. (They do make sure I am well fed, clothed, etc) And of course, I can't tell them how I really feel, given past examples. So basically, I can keep the peace and exist with them and laugh and have a good time, but I can't have a bad day around them. And that's not really living.

I know each of them has their own issues to deal with. My mother had a terrible upbringing  (not that that's an excuse), I'm pretty sure my younger sister has undiagnosed Aspergers, and my older (step) sister's own birth mom died when she was young.

I'm still sad that we just can't seem to connect like "normals"

Thank you for your supportive reply! I'm definitely my own worst enemy when it comes to that. Part of my healing goal is to become more confident in my life.

So, I would like to share my story in hopes of finding the tools and support that this board seems so good at.

I was in a really bad place when I was a pre-teen. My parents were divorced when I was eight. Both remarried. My mother was completely shut down emotionally, and never allowed any expression of anger or any other "negative" emotion. My father was a controlling man with a giant ego, and if life wasn't exactly the way he wanted it to be, he got really upset. My stepmother was even worse than my father, had no patience for me or my sister, told us lies about our mother. My stepfather was actually the calmest of the bunch, but never really spoke up about anything.

Because I am hard of hearing, I already had problems making friends with the "mainstream" kids. Add that to the fact that my family's extremely rigid rules, lack of emotional connection and lack of stability it's no wonder I started "acting out."

My parents response to my "bad behavior" (yes, they called it that) was to start spanking me. That escalated into trying to control everything I did and completely ignoring me if I expressed my dislike. I started having nightmares, and no one would come when I called out. I started yelling and breaking things in what I'm sure was a desperate try for my parents' attention. Their response to that was to start sending me away.

They sent me to a summer camp for troubled kids and then finally to a boarding school. I'm sure you can imagine I didn't exactly get the emotional connections I needed and craved there. Not only that, I was mercilessly bullied by not just the other kids, but some of the adults, too. I was lost, scared, and alone, so of course I pulled away so far that I retreated into my head.

That's when my parents decided I was "better" and they would let me come home. They thought they had fixed me. I realize now, that's when I finally broke and realized the only way out was to completely give up. I'm a complete doormat now and that really scares me.

Thank you to those who read this. I'm really glad I found this board.

I was wondering if anyone is willing to share stories of explaining c-ptsd to others?

I've mostly been met with a mountain of support from close friends. It's trickier when my family is involved though. It came up at Christmas and I ended up telling my mother and younger sister. I felt like I then needed to share with my older sister so she wouldn't be confused if it came up.

Because most of the feelings of emotional abandonment and neglect stem directly from my mother, I will admit I spun the truth  little when explaining why I had it. Is it common to find yourself not wanting to share the true, deeper meanings with others, especially when they're closer to the situation? I mostly felt like my mother brushed it off, my younger sister decided she has it too, and my older sister, while supportive and asking what she could do to help, still tried the route of defending my mother's parenting because "parenting is hard." Yes, I have no doubt, but I don't see her abusing or neglecting my nephews...

It feels so easy when  talking to supportive friends, but my family is like beating my head against a wall.

Sometimes the dysfunction of our childhoods has more to do with what didn't happen than what did. Kids don't just need food & shelter, they need to feel safe and loved, they need adults around them to enjoy spending time with them. They need to play and leave adult worries to the adults.

Abuse can be things that were withheld from you, too.

This. I can absolutely relate. I had my basic needs met, I was clothed, fed, had a roof over my head, had schooling, etc.

The emotional needs weren't. I spent the majority of my childhood and even some of my adulthood feeling unloved and unwanted. I'm planning to make a post soon about my own story, but I can completely relate to feelings of emotional distance and neglect. It's always made me so sad and alone, but I never had the confidence to tell anyone about it.

I'm in the same boat. I work in childcare, and there is absolutely no "stepping away for a moment" when caring for kids. I am SO drained by the end of the day, it takes every amount of effort I have to do the dishes before I collapse on the couch. I also understand the need for "One Important Thing A Day." I've often thought my life seemed so much harder than everyone else's because I just don't seem to be able to "deal" like everyone else.

So, I'm another who would definitely be open to advice or tips on how to deal in the workplace!

I so get this. I've often been frustrated because I "can't talk right." I'll transpose words lIke "dishes" for "laundry." I'll say one thing and then get flustered because the person's response makes it clear they haven't understood what I meant.

For me, it's definitely a childhood thing. Everything I said could be interpreted into something I didn't say, or worse, something malicious.

I have a hard time with goodbyes, too. I hate the idea of anyone "leaving" me, no matter how irrational it may seem to the everyday person. For me, I think it's because my family, especially my mother, spent my pre-teen and early teenage years "leaving" me in various ways.

I've been trying to reassure myself that I'll see them again! It helps me to think of the next time I will see the that person.

I've read Van Der Kolk's book, Absolutely loved it and identified with it so much. The language issue is something I noticed, too. Not usually in my writing (I'm a writer), but in speech. I transpose words on occasion  - dishes and laundry for example, get switched.

Thanks for the warm welcomes!

Someone asked how I found out about c-ptsd.

Well, as both a writer and a television afficionado, I do a lot of reading and television watching. Through that, I already had a basis of knowledge of what Post Traumatic Stress Disorder was, but never really considered that it matched my own issues. As I researched it further though, I realized I really connected with a lot of what was said and written about it and especially complex ptsd, as I believe I have childhood-onset. Mostly through emotional and verbal abuse and neglect, but there were also other strikes against me, including the fact that I am hard of hearing and didn't really fit into anyone else's world.

Reading about c-ptsd was really eye opening because it made me realize there are others out there who understand what it's like and I'm actually not alone in the universe!

Hi, everyone. I've been a lurker here for awhile but decided to register and introduce myself. You can call me Rosie, and I'm a survivor of childhood-onset C-PTSD. I'm glad to have found a place with others who understand the day to day struggle!