Hi Justin,
I can relate all too well to the difficulty of finding connection, as well as what I'd call the mixed blessing of learning there is a name for what I've struggled with for as long as I can remember. I don't know if you're like me, but there are also chunks that I can't remember... and I think they frighten me the most because something so incredibly trivial can so easily end up being a trigger... and the result is an emotional flashback that's so vague that I can't find any event to link it to. I sometimes wonder if I tried so hard to forget all of the bad times that I lost the good ones along the way.
I'm so glad to know that you've established a solid spiritual connection and that you're involved in meditation. As for me, to be honest my connection to my higher power tends to wax and wane. But I can say without a doubt that it is during those times when I can truly embrace my faith that things seem at least more manageable. And I want to give you a huge Thank You! for mentioning that you are looking into CODA meetings. Because of your post, I've finally gathered the information for the ACOA/ACA meetings here in the area where I've recently moved. I've gone to these meetings in the past and they've helped. I don't know when or even if I'll go again... but I took a step and it was your post that nudged me into a more positive direction. Thank you again!
When I came to read the description of the freeze type, it felt almost as if Pete Walker was talking about me in particular. As for me, as a child I put much of my energy into trying to be "invisible." I figured out early on that if they couldn't "see" me then there was less of a chance that they could hurt me. Sometimes it actually worked but, like you, being invisible takes a toll on learning much needed social skills.
And I SO get the "mask" you describe. I'm going on sixty years old now and I am disabled. But there was a long time when I was able to work. Without that mask I would have starved. Thankfully (in an odd kind of way) as I look back I can see that because I also had a few of the fawn tendencies in my earlier adult life, my resulting perfectionism meant that I kept getting unexpectedly promoted. And each promotion put me on a path to being more and more in the spotlight.
I ultimately honed that mask to the point that my last promotion actually put me in a position that required public speaking... yeah, seriously! And sometimes I'd be in front of a hundred people or more. There were days when I just didn't think I could even make it to work, much less if I had to do a presentation that day. But once I somehow made it there, it was as if I had an "on" switch and I could fool the whole crowd into thinking I was in my element.
I often wonder if I found a way to "put myself out there" by virtue of dissociating. That's just a guess because, when I think back on even the smallest of those public speaking gigs, it feels like that was a whole other person who was living a whole other life. (Actually that's pretty on the mark given that I'm now agoraphobic but that's another story.) But if I'm right, that means that by using what I refer to as my "bubble" that I developed in childhood, I actually found a way to make it useful to me... just in a very different way. Probably not the healthiest of ways, but hey, we gotta take what we can and leave the rest! Lol
I agree with the others and I and commend you for your courage in setting - and maintaining - your boundaries with family members. My trick was to move a thousand miles away at 25 thinking I could outrun not only my family, but all of my history as well. Unfortunately I discovered that not only did my history come along for the ride, I had a bunch more "stuff" to come that would be thrown at me by those same people that I tried to escape from to add to the pile. Being long distance did help somewhat but, without going into details, they served up some more of that stuff that falls into the "you just can't make that * up" category.
I would like to offer you one little trick that I learned along the way that often helps me with interacting with "normal" people. I think part of why it's so hard for us (well for me anyway) to have conversations is because we don't have simple, easy answers to even the most mundane questions from even the nicest of people. I wonder if a part of me also gets stuck with opening up because I want to protect that person from the demons in my past that they couldn't even begin to comprehend... so why ruin their day. (Much less come off as a psycho!)
At any rate, what I've learned to do is to turn the conversation back to the other person. I've discovered that people - even strangers - like nothing more than to talk about themselves... okay, maybe it's about being "heard" like we'd really appreciate as well but you catch my drift. Lol
Instead of feeling obligated to give someone an answer, I've given myself permission to just say something rather vague (honest, but just the basics) in response and then turn the questioning back to the other person. With each answer, I'll pick up on a tidbit that will give me another question so I can very often get through an entire conversation without giving away a single thing about myself. That may sound sort of deceitful, but you'd be surprised. I find that a lot of times I'm actually interested in what they have to say. And by the end of our somewhat-shallow interaction, I can sometimes walk away feeling pretty good... as if maybe I've actually made a positive difference in that person's day.
I really didn't mean to go on so long, but I guess what I most want to say is that it sounds as if you're still young... at least much younger that me. I'm not saying that to discount your experience because this is not an easy road at any age... or at any point in our individual journeys. But even though it's incredibly hard to connect, you ARE trying and I hope you'll give yourself some MAJOR credit for that. Even though you've discovered that you have an "issue," at least you now have a name for it now and you've still got time to find solutions.
That may not mean much when things can look so dark and, like everyone here, I know that resources for C-PTSD are so few and far between. But there are many more now than when I was around (what I'm guessing to be) your age so that says to me that more are coming. And with each new resource or avenue for answers that comes along, hopefully you'll benefit from them you before you find, as I have, that the years ahead of you are far fewer than the ones you've put behind you.
Much Love, Many Blessings...
Patianne
I can relate all too well to the difficulty of finding connection, as well as what I'd call the mixed blessing of learning there is a name for what I've struggled with for as long as I can remember. I don't know if you're like me, but there are also chunks that I can't remember... and I think they frighten me the most because something so incredibly trivial can so easily end up being a trigger... and the result is an emotional flashback that's so vague that I can't find any event to link it to. I sometimes wonder if I tried so hard to forget all of the bad times that I lost the good ones along the way.
I'm so glad to know that you've established a solid spiritual connection and that you're involved in meditation. As for me, to be honest my connection to my higher power tends to wax and wane. But I can say without a doubt that it is during those times when I can truly embrace my faith that things seem at least more manageable. And I want to give you a huge Thank You! for mentioning that you are looking into CODA meetings. Because of your post, I've finally gathered the information for the ACOA/ACA meetings here in the area where I've recently moved. I've gone to these meetings in the past and they've helped. I don't know when or even if I'll go again... but I took a step and it was your post that nudged me into a more positive direction. Thank you again!
When I came to read the description of the freeze type, it felt almost as if Pete Walker was talking about me in particular. As for me, as a child I put much of my energy into trying to be "invisible." I figured out early on that if they couldn't "see" me then there was less of a chance that they could hurt me. Sometimes it actually worked but, like you, being invisible takes a toll on learning much needed social skills.
And I SO get the "mask" you describe. I'm going on sixty years old now and I am disabled. But there was a long time when I was able to work. Without that mask I would have starved. Thankfully (in an odd kind of way) as I look back I can see that because I also had a few of the fawn tendencies in my earlier adult life, my resulting perfectionism meant that I kept getting unexpectedly promoted. And each promotion put me on a path to being more and more in the spotlight.
I ultimately honed that mask to the point that my last promotion actually put me in a position that required public speaking... yeah, seriously! And sometimes I'd be in front of a hundred people or more. There were days when I just didn't think I could even make it to work, much less if I had to do a presentation that day. But once I somehow made it there, it was as if I had an "on" switch and I could fool the whole crowd into thinking I was in my element.
I often wonder if I found a way to "put myself out there" by virtue of dissociating. That's just a guess because, when I think back on even the smallest of those public speaking gigs, it feels like that was a whole other person who was living a whole other life. (Actually that's pretty on the mark given that I'm now agoraphobic but that's another story.) But if I'm right, that means that by using what I refer to as my "bubble" that I developed in childhood, I actually found a way to make it useful to me... just in a very different way. Probably not the healthiest of ways, but hey, we gotta take what we can and leave the rest! Lol
I agree with the others and I and commend you for your courage in setting - and maintaining - your boundaries with family members. My trick was to move a thousand miles away at 25 thinking I could outrun not only my family, but all of my history as well. Unfortunately I discovered that not only did my history come along for the ride, I had a bunch more "stuff" to come that would be thrown at me by those same people that I tried to escape from to add to the pile. Being long distance did help somewhat but, without going into details, they served up some more of that stuff that falls into the "you just can't make that * up" category.
I would like to offer you one little trick that I learned along the way that often helps me with interacting with "normal" people. I think part of why it's so hard for us (well for me anyway) to have conversations is because we don't have simple, easy answers to even the most mundane questions from even the nicest of people. I wonder if a part of me also gets stuck with opening up because I want to protect that person from the demons in my past that they couldn't even begin to comprehend... so why ruin their day. (Much less come off as a psycho!)
At any rate, what I've learned to do is to turn the conversation back to the other person. I've discovered that people - even strangers - like nothing more than to talk about themselves... okay, maybe it's about being "heard" like we'd really appreciate as well but you catch my drift. Lol
Instead of feeling obligated to give someone an answer, I've given myself permission to just say something rather vague (honest, but just the basics) in response and then turn the questioning back to the other person. With each answer, I'll pick up on a tidbit that will give me another question so I can very often get through an entire conversation without giving away a single thing about myself. That may sound sort of deceitful, but you'd be surprised. I find that a lot of times I'm actually interested in what they have to say. And by the end of our somewhat-shallow interaction, I can sometimes walk away feeling pretty good... as if maybe I've actually made a positive difference in that person's day.
I really didn't mean to go on so long, but I guess what I most want to say is that it sounds as if you're still young... at least much younger that me. I'm not saying that to discount your experience because this is not an easy road at any age... or at any point in our individual journeys. But even though it's incredibly hard to connect, you ARE trying and I hope you'll give yourself some MAJOR credit for that. Even though you've discovered that you have an "issue," at least you now have a name for it now and you've still got time to find solutions.
That may not mean much when things can look so dark and, like everyone here, I know that resources for C-PTSD are so few and far between. But there are many more now than when I was around (what I'm guessing to be) your age so that says to me that more are coming. And with each new resource or avenue for answers that comes along, hopefully you'll benefit from them you before you find, as I have, that the years ahead of you are far fewer than the ones you've put behind you.
Much Love, Many Blessings...
Patianne