Messages

I found a new therapist 5 weeks ago. It's amazing how different our sessions are compared to the last therapist. While I certainly liked how my old therapist challenged me and gave me goals to accomplish, I felt chastised when I was unable to meet her expectations or when I expressed honest negativity. My new therapist practices a style of conversation based on the deficit theory. It really is a different style. She doesn't emphasize making me feel awful emotions and relive trauma like my last therapist but rather gets me talking and she talks about things in life that bother humans including herself and myself. She gives a lot more affirmation to emotions I'm feeling but asks me to relate some of that to my childhood experiences.

I think the greatest triumph that both therapists helped me achieve is loss of my eternal feeling of being a failure. I'm better able to see small positives as enough of an achievement in my day. And I'm able to right size my failures and realize they're not the end of the world.

Just stopping by to congratulate you on your continued perseverance. I hope with good choices you begin to feel more empowered in your life. It's pretty awesome you've opened up to your parents about moving out and are envisioning your plan. Objects in motion tend to stay in motion. And the same goes with plans.

My therapist told me that I was excessively competitive and could tell it was not going to change. She thought that I needed an outlet to compete with myself. Thus began my intense workouts. The other day I did about 15 minutes of some of the most torturous workouts in the heat until I almost passed out. I was not that close to passing out and I did stop before my goal time, however I think the point is that I set unrealistic goals, I think of myself as unbreakable, I almost want to see if I will break. I get something out of it. I get something out of making me feel different than other people because it's a reminder that I am different and I like to wallow in the idea that I will always be different. It makes being different feel better. I am mildly injured at the moment, and I am trying my best to give myself some recuperation time, but I'm certainly not babying myself. It's questionable if my injuries will heal or if working other body parts out will still aggravate the sore ones. I can say that this workout regimen makes me much happier, less anxious, sleep better, feel more fulfilled, have dreams and goals, and feel successful. I am a bit messed up when it comes to body image. I am pretty obsessed with my physique and never satisfied with it. I think I'm going to bring this up in therapy. Alice- I think as long as you make the exercise about the positives and look out for the negatives it is net positive for you.

It's so unbelievably difficult to grapple with the mental health industry. It's an industry where money matters first, patients matter last, no calls are returned, no insurance is ever verifiable, and nobody anywhere is accountable. This is utterly unacceptable to me. These people are inferior morons- how am I to trust any of them. end rant

I'm happy for your good days, Alice. Right on about one day at a time! Enjoy your good days, celebrate them, and try to not futurize one bad day or night. Our struggles, though they be many, may subside in one moment. And these moments are all we need to both take in pleasure and feel sanity. I'm finding the more good moments I take in the more addicted I am to feeling good and moments with good people around me and the more resistant to negative situations I am becoming. I wish more great days for you ahead!

That's so awesome. I think standing up for yourself feels so nice, especially when the end outcome is met with hospitable circumstances!

Three Roses- I'm trying to let every day be a present to me, a present to learn something I never did before. I guess we can take comfort in the fact that after all these years there is something different that we never knew about, and dedicate ourselves to its pursuit. I hope you continue to learn what you feel you missed and enjoy the days ahead.

Thanks for the support, Three Roses.

Glad to hear things are improved with your new T, D.P, and for the hope that this offers me.

I'm already feeling empowered by asking for help from the network of providers.

After quitting therapy I tried to call the therapist for closure and was ignored. It hurts to have shared as much as I did with the therapist and then be ignored. I think I should have been choosier when I chose my therapist. I researched some new therapists and will speak to them this week. I think that having a few people to chat with will allow me to screen these people and see what their true passions, personalities, styles, patience levels, flexibility are. I guess it was unrealistic to think my other T would be the best fit for me. I idealized T quite a bit when I read about T's profile and T offered me some good help for awhile but I guess I outgrew T or T got tired of me. While I find it extremely unprofessional for the T to drop communication with me, I accept that T is human and maybe did not believe that help was possible for me without triggering T. I am hoping that I am able to begin therapy with a more compassionate therapist without too much of a delay. I did kind of become reliant on the sessions as a calming influence in my life when they were going well, but there were certainly a lot of instances where I felt being talked down to, scolded, criticized, judged, made fun of, and abused, in retrospect. And as early as the first few sessions! I hope I am a better judge of character this time around. I keep feeling guilty like I'm a bad person for things not working out with the T. And I also feel defeated and sad like I failed. I'm trying my best to not take it personally.

5 positive affirmations:
I'm incredibly patient
I'm very articulate
I made some good jokes today
I'm helpful-charitable
I possess incredible perseverance

One of my biggest struggles with this disorder is that because of what happened to me a child through extreme trauma of 11 years from birth, I am having to go through the redevelopment process again, one of the developing areas is finding my identity, in who I am and what my values, boundaries, morals, interests and likes and dislikes are, having to reconnect the mind to the body and also finding a way to lower the extreme stress and anxiety and breaking out of social isolation and being able to communicate in such a way that isn't so heavy.  The other thing is that I have major trust issues and have no idea what love is or what all the different emotional feelings are, general feelings and body language being able to read a persons out look, like there is so many things that to relearn and rewire the brain.  Yes I am getting there bit by bit but it has taken me a long while to start being able to feel safe enough to venture out again, even though I often feel as though there is a solid wall sitting right in my path.  I have been in the dumps for the last few months only to get to this point in being this far ready to try something like Yoga to help me learn how to manage allot of areas like stress and anxiety, to loosen this rigid stiff body.

Has anybody else come across this state in Complex PTSD?

You took the words out of my mouth, Greg. In recent years stress has me feeling so rigid. In my abdominal region I feel constant tension like I'm ready for someone to punch me. It's so bad I'm really considering some anxiety medication because the way I'm feeling can't be normal. For so long I lived for perfection and when anything went out of alignment I would panic. I'm talking $5 missing would cause me extreme worry. I had no regulation of trauma worrying me. I confused love with having to please everyone around me and then wondering why I am taken for granted. I have very few of my own passions that anyone could relate to. Most of my interests are isolating, probably because I feel safe in them. Very little from new experience outright excites me, but rather, scares me. Sometimes I say something and people just look at me like I'm living from another planet- with regards to my fear, defensiveness and hypervigilance. Cheers to the yoga- I couldn't get myself to relax often enough to attend but it is rewarding when you can do it. I highly recommend the book Boundaries by Dr. Cloud. I am going to read it 100 times to reparent myself, elevate my self esteem, and learn what healthy relationships look like. Regarding your comment about love, I think we are entitled to love from our parents and siblings and with regards to people we are dating, I think love is a gift that someone offers us, it can come and go more readily, and some people treat it like a bargaining tool. I think we need to be careful that people who we love back recognize our boundaries and appreciate us in spite of our trouble. It is for this reason that relationships are probably not the best thing for someone like me right now because I'm still learning what I stand for and thus easy to manipulate and or bend to pretty women's wishes, that is when I'm not being extremely guarded-defensive- which is how I used to approach dating- and was not getting me far in my relationships.

D.P.,

I find it almost automatic that a group of 5 or more will devolve into loudmouthed, ignorant and gossipy folks. The worst is when group-think comes into play. I'm sorry the American population is reduced to idiotic zombies as soon as an opinionated bully presents his case. It's like adults haven't graduated past high school level of juvenile social behavior. It's pathetic.

I have been spending time around people a lot more than usual lately and I'm finding the experience very triggering for me. I noticed that I get uncomfortable in groups larger than 5 where there is a lot of different conversations going on and people start to make group decisions for others. I noticed that a lot of bullying takes place in these situations. Everyone thinks that making fun of others is the way to pass time. I noticed that I have never liked this form of hanging out but that it is classic behavior among groups of social people. For me, time spent with groups of 1-3 people is much more desirable. As much as I'm trying to get used to socializing again, I just honestly value more intimate relationships with close friends who understand me and my particular uniqueness. I'm sure some people would argue this makes me anti-social, but I just don't feel very trusting around people who present surface level friendship. I also noticed that some people will really cross boundaries quickly. These people seem like the ones who will friend you when it's convenient for them and disappear just as quickly. I hope that my work on boundary setting comes in handy in these situations. I already carry an attitude in my affairs much like "this is not your business it's mine." When you can hold tight to your principles and hold that attitude unemotionally I think it is very hard to erode one's defenses. People may look at you strangely but they will know that no means no. I find it so hard to go along with group think on things. When I feel like someone is trying to make me go along I resist even harder. I'm sure it's a trigger of some sort for me.

I'm all for practicing assertiveness. I find often what I think is a big deal is something imagined, unintentional, and not difficult to bring up. It's my inner dialogue of fighting making it a bigger deal to bring up and fear of the unknown. Just my 2 cents! But I agree it's so hard managing potential conflicts. Good luck and keep us posted!

5 positive affirmations from yesterday
I am extremely practical
I don't give in to peer pressure/am independent
I am reliable
I give people hope
I am fit