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Hi everyone -

My absence in the forum the past couple months can be easily accounted for. I returned to counseling and, as I started to suspect this past fall, my diagnosis is a little different than I first thought.  I am in the process of confirming with my counselor that dissociative identity disorder is the primary issue that needs to be addressed. 

It's been a very tumultuous 2015 for me. I'm trying to accept this reality, but... it's distressing.

I won't go into the depth of my symptoms and struggles, as they don't pertain to C-PTSD as much, though I welcome encouragement and prayers as I begin a very long journey toward healing. Depression and anxiety have dragged me down a pit and I'm losing motivation to do things I love, as well as things I need to do.

I'm in tears grateful for the support that online communities - this one in particular - have had in getting me closer to the root of my pain.

Love to all of you. 

confident

Thank you for sending me back to that thread, bheart. I related so much to your experiences, incuding dissociating at my T's office and remembering almost nothing of my time there. 

It's hard seeing myself so fragmented. I found a scholarly article that discussed what dissociation looks like in its various manifestations in trauma survivors. I'm not entirely sure I have anything so severe as DID, but I'm not entirely sure I don't. I see parts of me more than I see a whole me. It's hard to explain...

My DH was awesome last night. I told him how I'm feeling about my dissociation and he's agreed to help me ground myself in our conversations.  I'm most likely to dissociate interacting with other people, sitting at home by myself, or driving, so if you've got any tips to keep me present in each situation, I'll happily accept them. 

So bear in mind I haven't yet received a definitive C-PTSD diagnosis and am not entirely sure all the ways childhood trauma has affected me yet. I know I have issues with dissociation, and wanted feedback on this particular problem.

Exhibit A: Sunday night. I can't remember if I was reading or watching a movie. I honestly can't even really remember this exchange either so I am improvising.

DH: "....t hahaha that was so funny."
Me: "Haha, yeah."
DH: "So you were ok with that?"
Me: "Ok with what?"
DH: "I just said I was going to take a shower now."
Me: "What? You did?"
DH: "Yeah, just minutes ago. I said, 'Ok, I need to go take a shower now, you just going to hang out and read?' And you said...."

And then it's gone again. But he proceeded to tell me about 3 or 4 sentences and exchanges I do not and could not remember. I have no memory of even conversing with him before the above exchange.

This has happened at least a handful of times in our marriage, where he fluently and unwaveringly quotes things I said minutes ago or earlier in the day that I have no memory of speaking.

Does anyone with C-PTSD experience this? Is it associated with other dissociative disorders?

Thank you to everyone who provided thoughtful replies to my post! I had no clue the topic would appeal to so many and have such varied answers. Great discussion points.  I was curious to see if my experience was my own or shared by other C-PTSD sufferers. The energized creatives in the forum were most fascinating. It's only a week or so after the fact that I find my creative side re-energized. I have absolutely no inclination to read, write, paint, knit or do anything remotely crafty or self-expressive in an EF. That so many others feel the opposite is intriguing.

It's prompted other questions in my mind to post in Recovery. Again, thanks to all.   

I get dissociative. I think the dissociation kicks in due to the overwhelming anxiety. I think I often feel hopeless, so I try to take a nap or something. Sometimes I do that and feel like a different person, or feel normal again the next day or a couple days later. It really depends on what the EF is sometimes.

This is interesting. I always considered the dissociation as part of the EF, not post-EF.  The anxiety, the hopelessness are all things I relate to, though.  Those are such overwhelming feelings. 

Does anyone know/have quotes or research on this: are EFs instantaneous with prolonged effects such as dissociation, or can they be ongoing events? 

Hey morph!

OOTF was helpful for getting through denial about PD, but this place is so much better for helping ourselves. I don't really have present gripes so much about FOO; I have more wounds that need healing. I hope the threads and info available here lifts some burden on your healing journey!

The people here are exceedingly kind and gentle toward one another, so I don't find it to be triggering either.

You know what? I am about 30 years your junior and I still feel I waited too long getting help for the emotional wounds. You are taking care of very real pain. We don't need to have physical scars to prove our emotional scars exist.

Blessings, prayers for a purposeful season of learning and growth, and welcome!!

Hi there, hawk --

First off, thanks for sharing your story. It seems like you've finally hit the wall of crap that was building up when you weren't looking. This is one of a few great places to get support while you're shoveling up the poo  you've endured a lot between then and now and searching for healing is the best thing you can do for yourself AND your marriage. 

One of the greatest resources my T ever suggested to me was a book called "How We Love" by Milan & Kay Yerkovich.  It really breaks down how our families of origin impact our marriages, and really every relationship in our lives.  The patterns we learn, the behaviors we came to view as normal, and how these imprints from childhood show up in surprising ways in our marriages. I bet it would help you process a bit better why the sudden "I have no feelings for my husband" came about.  You'll come to understand more about why your husband is the way he is, why you've experienced ups and downs yourself, etc. My DH read the book with me and is glad he did. If your husband has N traits, I'm not sure how he'll receive a book like that himself, but consider this a resource for yourself first.  It will help you understand your own feelings and where those are coming from.

People here will have lots of compassion and advice along the way. Glad to have you here!!

Another word that comes to mind is energized: I can do things again, I feel like taking action and showing the world a smiling face.

Energized may be a bit strong for me. I always think of a perky, over-caffeinated crazy person. But I see what you're getting at. It's a very unburdened feeling. I hit my stride today getting a bunch of chores done around the house and felt pretty good.

I don't feel like a different person. I feel more like I've found the person I  recognize and like. When I am in an EF, I can't really identify with the person I am then - dark, slow, easily overwhelmed by the simplest tasks, barely able to drag myself through the days and dreading the nights. Once it's gone - and it usually happens from one second to the next - I feel like the chains that forced me to carry the weight of the world are removed and I feel like me again... I can laugh again and find things to enjoy; the sun is shining again. 

Like you said: Hard to miss...

Here's the sad thing. I think it's been a long time since I could recognize me. I've only become cognizant this year to the steady, dripping faucet of abuse I endured my whole life.  My DH said he felt like he was beginning to see who I really was for the first time in just the days following discovering who my uNPDm was.  Somehow, you lose yourself in the trauma. 

I think I've a long way to go to rediscovering myself. But I think maybe it's hinted at in those moments of renewal after an EF.

So I was in an off-and-on EF for some two weeks. It was awful. I'm sure y'all know that.

I could almost draw a clear line in the sand from when the EF was happening and when it ended, and I'm wondering, what do you guys feel like when it's over? To me, it's akin to an awakening or full-on personality shift.  Like being a wholly different person sometimes.  I almost feel floaty, light, unhindered.  The EFs are really dark and filled with anxiety and fear, but when it's over, I know. I know I won't be going back into it until I get triggered again.

How would you guys describe post-EF for you, personally? Do you have any feelings or descriptors that stand out? Does your behavior change? Do you feel like different people entirely?

I feel like this thread captured so much about unhealthy relationship patterns from my own adolescence and early adulthood. Seriously a miracle that I ended up with a DH who actually DOES like me and love me. I do think he's crazy most days; I often push back when he tries to take care of me.

E.g., I'm sick today and had to watch our DS all day while he was working, so he came home, made dinner, put kiddo to bed, then asked me what I needed and I got angry, kind of. Facetiously angry. "What do I need?? You have done nothing but bend over backwards to take care of me since you walked in the door. Thank you. Now go take care of yourself, I'm a big girl."

He's such a laugh though, because he gets this half smile/smirk on his face and says, "confident, I love taking care of you." And then he got me a drink and meds.

It's so normal and healthy that I think it scares me some days. Normal doesn't feel normal. I expected chaos and abandonment for a long time, and perhaps almost had myself convinced I picked the wrong guy because our relationship was so stable and predictable.

And that, I think, speaks to what a lifetime of conditioning from a narcissist can do to you.

Expect to be neglected.
Expect to be criticized.
Expect to be on your toes waiting to find out if you're still loved and accepted.

What an epiphany - so painful and yet you managed to analyze the reason for your EFs so precisely that you actually have something to work with. That is soooo awesome!

But I guess the loss in this is the feeling of home as a safe place.

I am so sorry to read of your pain and your loss - though I do believe that the loss and pain you're feeling now will be only temporary and you can feel safe and comfortable in the home in which you are living now with your FOC very soon. 

Thank you for your thoughtful response, and your encouragement that you believe this will be temporary. My hope was that T would give me some resources to start addressing this particular EF, among some others, but as I won't be able to restart for 4-6 months, I'm going to have to take your advice and check out that CBT course. Thank you for the recommendation!

I don't yet know how to fix it. No, I know something. The way out is probably the way through all that grieving I haven't done yet.

Grieving scares me. Really scares me. It's too much like depression - the depression that clouded my existence for 5 years of adolescence in that FOO home...

And I know it's healthy, but I'm not sure I understand how to do grief in a healthy way yet.

alovelycreature, it's encouraging to know that sharing this may help others get some insight about their own triggers in places that should feel secure and comforting. When I came home that evening, I was able to breakdown the feelings and tell myself why I was afraid and why I didn't have to be. I walked up the steps to the front door acknowledging all those feelings AND that they made sense at one time. But they don't make sense anymore. It was good to put them in a proper place and understand them a bit better.

So I've been relatively confined with DS lately as we have one vehicle and DH is driving back and forth to work during the week when he doesn't find a carpool. Yesterday I had an epiphany when I was out with my best friend getting a beer. 

I'm on constant high alert, stressed out, hyper-vigilant, and near the brink of panic attack ANY TIME I AM HOME.

I mean, did you read that?

Any. Time. I. Am. Home.

This was incredibly revealing for me. I was happy, at ease, laughing, talking about things that interested me while I was at the pub.  It was the first time I'd felt that way in a couple weeks at least, and though another event triggered an EF for me earlier this month, I had a growing awareness yesterday that any time I am in the place I live, I'm triggered. I don't feel like I'm introverting or spending quality time by myself. I panic.  The norm is to start watching for crises and watching for a brewing conflict and my thoughts start going 1000 MPH. My blood pressure goes up, I dissociate, I check out and don't engage with my FOC.  Anxiety and irritability are the whole of my emotional experience in my own home.

And I realized this: the reason I feel this way is because this was my home life for 18 years. Before I left for college, I was locked away by myself in my room waiting for my mom to come through the door, stand in the doorway, ask me a bunch of questions about what I'm doing, guilt me for not doing something, rage at me. There was no such thing as a safe home.  Home was a place of constant conflict and tension, and this is something that has carried over too far into my adulthood.

It angers me, and it saddens me, and it gives me such a deep feeling of relief to know that my feelings that once felt so abnormal and inexplicable suddenly make perfect sense when contextualized to account for C-PTSD and abuse.

But I guess the loss in this is the feeling of home as a safe place.

I haven't been able to start T yet due to finances, but this is, so far, the biggest revelation I've had and the biggest hurdle to improved emotional health for me.

Does anyone else out there read this and think, "Oh my goodness, yes, I know what you are talking about?"

I was not quite at the 14 mark, and many of those I checked I would also say were indicative of hypervigilance more than true sensitivity.  If I hadn't been emotionally neglected, I am pretty sure I never would have learned half of those behaviors.

Its a chicken or egg scenario for me. But I said no.

Thanks to BOTH of you for your very safe and honest dialog. It's a welcome change from other things lately  some places have been too triggering, and I feel 100% comfortable coming here to chat about what hurts without sharp or confusing responses.

I can see how the idea of being broken is a touchy and difficult one for some. My worldview warrants me viewing, and quite welcomely, myself as inherently broken. I have no sensitivity to that concept.

But being broken at the hands of another? Given something for good use, like a memory, and watching the brokenness of others infiltrate and damage me in such odd ways? Ways I once thought were totally happenstance and meaningless? Discovering I was wearing rose-colored glasses for so long?

It's in feeling and being utterly broken that I find so much validation for what I have already deeply believed about both myself and others, yet denied for so long.

And so much more, really.

But it's a shattering than can be healed.

There are times for grieving losses, and I am there right now, but I don't believe it's forever.

Rain, my T got me watching that TED talk! Dr. Brown is such a good use of YouTube time!

Sandals, I am grateful that you share your perspective so readily! Difference in interpretation & meaning as it relates to these concepts is good and honest. It's wonderful as a newcomer to know where everyone is at and what we are learning.

confident - it's interesting because I began having issues with losing keys for a while, for several years, and it would really throw me. I have several defined dates in my journey, but the more I look back, the more I see a gradual build over time instead of defined points. It's just that those points really brought my attention to what was going on and also highlighted emotional deregulation.

I am SO sorry to hear your NM uses this against you. I have a ton of words for her, but don't think they'd be healing for you. Instead, I would look at this as if your NM using some athletic activity challenges against a child who lost a leg. They're equivalent in my mind and show how twisted these PDs are. You deserve sympathy, love and kindness for your challenges, and are worthy of all of those.

Oh yeah, and the keys thing... the last time I REALLY lost my keys - and I have tons of couch cushion and coat pocket stories - was on a holiday which I had, of my own volition (glutton for punishment, here...) elected to spend with NM and her highly dysfunctional FOO. Set the keys on the back of the car, and whooooooshhhh... I had to go driving in the rain the next day to find them.

It was seeing these patterns of the timing in which I lost or forgot items in various places that I started to see dysfunctional relationships, anxiety, and triggering events. I've started to see these instances as markers that are helping me delineate traumas that are inflicting pain still today.

For example, if I routinely visit a friend's home and leave belongings there by accident that I have to later retrieve, something about being in that friend's home or with that friend is triggering for me. 

Something about grocery stores is triggering for me, I'm not sure why. I quite often leave my wallet or phone or bag of groceries at the check stand.

And yes... Rain, you have company... I, too, have almost left my cat at the vet.

I love the ninjas bit  I need a little more humor with this stuff. Right now, each new stone unturned just sends me reeling wondering how deeply broken I really am and could it possibly get any worse and oh yes, yes it can...

Thanks for withholding the choice words against NM. I'm trying to take the focus off of her now and put it onto the healing work I need to do. Very thoughtful.