Messages

Oh NK, so sorry to hear this. Thinking of you and sending lots of love your way!

Thanks for all you do PC, you are the best!

I'm with you.

I'm up and awake and it's still many hours before my normal wake up. I randomly will get a stretch of 6 hours straight sleep, I had that happen a couple nights ago and it's wonderful to wake refreshed and present, this happens 3-4 times a year, so not often.

I am awake now because of flashback nightmares and body memories, I hate it, I really do.
No silver bullet here just identifying with you.
Here's to better sleep!

Sorry to hear you are struggling, we are here to support you.

I'll share some of my personal experience in the hope it might help you and others.

I have done a lot of "work" around getting my voice back, also getting my handwriting back. May sound a bit crazy, the loss of handwriting, that used to actually happen. My life force was so blocked that I would come to a place where I couldn't write.
Almost the same thing with my voice, almost couldn't talk.

Over years as I uncovered the truth about the events of my young life and faced them in safe therapeutic settings and started to release those trapped emotions/energy my voice got steadier for longer periods of time and my handwriting got steadier and my signature actually evolved to one that is actually me.

So my voice and my handwriting have been great indicators to signal me that is time to go back in and work on what darkness presents. I'm just coming off a 4 day couples retreat. My wife and I did a piece of work together that was powerful and the learning for me is that all this time, about 30 years of out 37 year marriage I was trying to shield her from the horror I experienced as a child. I've actually been running a story that somehow I would contaminate her and my kids, that the darkness was contagious. It has taken huge amounts of my bandwidth for decades.
I feel so free tonight as I write this, it's what I've been yearning for for decades.

Bach, I don't know if any of my lived experiences are helpful , I truly hope they are.

I've been busy the last few weeks since the visit to my early childhood home, it's been a good busy . Did lots of projects at camp and I love doing them. However, I feel the end of Summer approaching and the diminishing daylight, I just don't want summer to go!

I also feel myself slipping into ungroundedness, if that's a word. In my head Im having some some negative self talk which usually ends up in the place of " what happened to me wasn't that bad stop wining. Which leads to, "maybe nothing really happened, you are making this up".

I have to state to people that understand severe childhood trauma: horrible things did happen to me  for many years, it was real, I survived, I'm safe, people love me, and I have the capacity and ability to love others well".

That is my truth today.

Kizzie I'd like to join the private section, at this time leave my posts public .
Thank you
Steve M

It was a great visit today. The house has changed a lot! I could feel the love that has been put in over the years, the home felt very safe. My wife and two children got to see where I grew up and they really had " a fun day " as my son put it. The kids know a very small part of my story and at this point they have a good feeling about where I grew up and I'm not saying a thing to change that. It would be self serving if I dove into my story. Thanks for your support.

I want to tell you that tomorrow at 4 PM EST I'm going back to the home I lived in from age 8 to 26. Mostly bad stuff and sad times in that house over an 18 year period.
The house came on the market Sunday and I booked a showing for tomorrow. I drove out of that driveway 46 years ago and have not been back since. I have lived a pretty amazing life in those 46 years, tremendously good things have happened in my world once I left the narcissistic den I was raised in.

The house has morphed considerably and I'm excited to go back and see if there is a sense of life when I open the door for the first time. When I left there was just a feeling of doom. The pictures make it look like a happy place now, I hope that's the case. My wife and 2 adult children are coming along , there is no way I'd do this alone.

I incurred significant abuse, over a period of about 4 years in the house next to it so it will be interesting to see what comes up tomorrow. This feels like something I need to do for myself it has the feel of taking back my power, my agency over my life.

I'll take the love and support you all show here on the forum with me and hold it dear.
My Best
SteveM

PC,
Thank you for continuing to risk and share your truth. I believe everything you have written here. Non CPTSD humans can not comprehend at all levels of what it's like to have survived the trauma we all went through. Learned people can read and may get it intellectually, that said, as survivors we bond because we get it at a cellular level, the fear , the terror, the confusion and on and on it goes.

So good for you in taking time to be scared and keep that little one safe and actually quite quickly bring the adult onboard to keep the little one safe. Hopefully you will keep us up to date about when you are going back to your beach house, you will need our collective power to help you through.

BTW, I'm all in for the posse and elephant trap!

PC
I totally understand and I am here standing with you against the insanity of people that  mean you harm.
Ramble all you need to, I think it helps to purge.

Hi Hope, thank s for saying hello!

Headed down to see my sister on Friday and feeling rested and in a much better space to be present for and with her while I'm there.so my decision last week to stay  home proves out to be a good one.

I woke today with some feelings of separateness and I don't want to isolate, it's just too lonely and reminiscent of childhood so I'm just saying hello to you all. This forum is yet another safe and valuable tool in my toolbox of recovery from trauma.

Papa,
I am not finding a lot of words today. Know that I'm with you in the five stages standing with you, or in whatever stance you want me to be, dealers choice.

I'll be working on my new dock today, do you want a picture when I'm done?
I hope to have it substantially complete this week.

I just made a healthy decision.....I think!? One of the areas in my life I still second guess myself is in the self-care department, especially when it involves another family member and their feelings.
I had planned on going to see my sister today, about 2.5 hour drive one way. She is not well and I haven't seen her in almost 2 months. I did a pro/con list and once I put down on paper the facts, never mind the feelings, it became very clear that I need to reschedule, for MY own well being!
The worry about how she, or other family members will feel because I'm going to reschedule and take care of me, is still big. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. Making my well being first priority was not something modeled in my FOO! For decades I put me at the bottom of the list, that has gradually changed. That said, it still feels foreign and wrong, I hate that feeling of letting others down. Countless times in the passed I would do anything to keep you happy or at least I thought I was keeping you happy and somehow I had the power to keep you from feeling or experiencing discomfort. Last time I checked, I'm not god nor do I have the ability to read minds. So I'm sticking with the fact that it's in my best interest to do a self care day and let others have their feelings, I can go next week!
Thanks for listening.