Messages

Chart,

Absolutely. I even go farther. I have found that trauma is passed down before utero. For example, my x-rays show that my skeleton is contorted with Scoliosis as if I were compensating for a missing right arm. My son's x-rays also show that his body seems to be compensating for a missing right arm. When the doctors ask about my father, all I can say is that during WWII, he lost his right arm when he was 20 years of age. I was conceived when he was 40. His physical traumas were passed down through DNA to me, and then to my son. So, if physical trauma can be passed down through DNA, I assume emotional trauma can also. There's a book, It Didn't Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle, by Mark Wolynn.

And when we're babies, our brains are wide open as we learn who we are, so traumas that happen in childhood set the direction for the rest of our lives, so the younger we are when trauma happens, the deeper it seems to embed itself into our wiring.

To summarize, I agree with your theories above. I think trauma definitely started early: In utero, in infancy, even in our ancestry.

Neko

Welcome to the forum. I respect the anxiety you felt while writing your introduction. From what you've disclosed I think you have every right to be anxious and sweating as you write. My heart absolutely goes out to you for all you've seen and been through, and I am very impressed by your resilience and the courage and strength it has taken so far to keep moving forward, and to open up and share what you've shared. Remember, that courage is not the absence of fear, but the determination to continue on during the fear.

I have great respect for you just from what you've shared here today.

I'm also happy to hear that you have a partner and children who make you feel loved and safe today.

This forum has proven to me to be a place filled with kindness and empathy. Nobody here has had it easy, so we all give each other the respect we each deserve as we each share what we feel comfortable sharing. The days of being told to just be quiet and deal with it are gone here. We welcome people who have stories to tell. We believe each other.

I'm very glad you found your way here.

Welcome!!!!

Slashy,

There's a lot of beauty in your journal entry today. It really touched my heart. I'm sorry to hear what happened to your foster brother, and yet so touched by the simple joy he gave to you with that toy. I remember those toys. I never mastered one, but no one ever took the time to show me how to do it.

And, yeah, about the memo, I didn't get it either. I had to learn how to "do it right" on my own too. It took a few years. Good thing I married a patient wife.

Your entry warmed my heart. I hope you have very good day today. I'm glad your son drove so you could play with the wheel-o.

BecommingMe,

Your name, BecomingMe, is really resonating with what you've written in this journal entry. You are becoming you. It sounds like you are on your way through the long, complex healing process and making good progress. You are finding yourself through all the little helpful parts inside you who are your inner children. Each one trying to help you in the only ways they know how to help.

I just want to send you all the support I can. You're doing all the right things. I'll send you as much strength and support as I can through the airwaves.

L2L,

There are times when sad music or sad movies are what I feel like I need for some reason. Music has a powerful power over us. But there are times when my own sadness wants to be respected, and sad music actually helps me feel connected.

For me, listening to upbeat music is only appropriate when I feel like I handle it. If I listen to upbeat music when I want sad music, the upbeat music just grates on my nerves like sandpaper.

I hope the crooners gave you a nice friendly visit with the sad parts of you that just wanted to be crooned for a while.

You may be onto something. It may be a form of mourning. And mourning has a purpose too.

SH,

I like those TENS units. Coco and I use them on joints here and there. I use them on my knees, she uses them on her back. We also have an assortment of Infrared heating pads shaped for shoulders, legs, wrists, etc. Anything helps.

I hope you can find a good energy worker. Mine is a massage therapist who blurs the boundaries between massage and energy work. She does amazing things with my energy levels and pain levels. If I had to find another energy worker, I'd probably find a good new age bookstore to see who they recommend. Having a well-trained massage therapist doing energy work is something that seems to work well. She has intimate knowledge of bone and muscle structure AND intimate knowledge of energy flow. That's a good combination. I'm both physical and spiritual, and she is both science and spiritual. Good combination.

We just bought our very first S-Hook thing that lets us press on our pressure points on our backs without help from another person. They've been around for years, and they're cheap, but for some reason, we've only just purchased our first one. For pushing on pressure points until they release, these things are pretty helpful. You probably have one yourself, like I say, I'm way far behind the curve on this handy little device. Also, it sounds like you're dealing with some pretty serious spinal issues that an S-Hook wouldn't be enough to help with.

Schooling is grueling. I love to learn but I HATE college courses. Too many triggers that remind me of Catholic school. But I do respect how mentally and emotionally taxing schoolwork is. It's always good to learn, and it's good to have the courses done and in your repertoire, but they're hard work while in progress.

Good luck with everything. If you can find a massage therapist with energy experience, they might be a lot more affordable than a trip to South America.

PS: I did PRP injections on my knees in the spring of 2021. The cost to me was about $2k. I hobbled into the sports medicine clinic with my cane. I spent about an hour in the clinic. Then I danced out to the truck feeling embarrassed it was parked in a handicapped spot. It was appropriate to park there when I arrived, but I worried people were thinking I'd stolen the parking pass when I danced back out to leave. The results lasted about 18 months. Meanwhile, I also got some expensive orthotics in my shoes, which have given some more relief, so when my own plasma injections wore out, I wasn't as sore as I was before the injection. I'm told the injections work best the first time, and since they cost so much, I won't do any more unless the pain becomes unbearable again. PRP injections are simple. They draw a bit of blood out of me, then they spin it in a centrifuge for 21 minutes to separate red blood cells from platelets, then they inject my own platelets back into the sore parts of my knees. The results, for me, were instantaneous and miraculous. For 18 months.

The cost of the PRP injections was $2k. I had looked into Stem Cells also, but that clinic wanted $12k and two years for recovery. The decision to go with PRP instead was easy to make.

HA HA, Chart, StartingHealing, thanks for the wonderful responses. I'm giggling right now at reading both.

I did go up and see the kids yesterday, and I left there so proud of my son and his wife that I'm just beaming with pride at how they support and love their children. My son received an unexpected bonus check from his job, and rather than spending it on himself, he was able to provide both sons with the big-ticket items they had been yearning for. The older boy got a new computer for his studies and the younger boy got his first 1/4 midget racecar. (A glorified go cart). Both boys got exactly what they needed to pursue the lives they each want to live, but that's only where it begins. My son and his wife take interest in the activities. They help support with their time and energy also.

I wish I had thought to video record the act of the family putting the 10 Year old into his go cart. This is a race ready car that will be racing on our fairgrounds race track by July. First. the boy pulls the car out to the street on a cart. Then I watch as my son picks up the heavy end where the motor his, and his wife picks up the lighter end. They move it to the street and lower it down. My grandson squeezes himself in, while his dad and mom fuss with his safety harness. He's talking with them about how tight it is or needs to be. Dad is handing him the steering wheel, while Mom is tightening up his heavy helmet. They're a fully functional pit crew. When everything is installed and tight. Mom goes out to the intersection by the house, while Dad pushes the car to get it started. Meanwhile the Grandson has told me what his route is going to be. The car fires up to life, (It's a nice, mufflered quiet car), and the run begins. Dad's recording it on video and Mom's spotting traffic. The neighborhood supports it because he only makes one run, and doesn't exceed the speed limit. Some of the neighborhood kids even try to keep up on their bikes. When he returns, they all help get him out of the car again.

I'm nearly in tears watching how my son and his wife support their two boys. They are the pit crew. The boys are kind, compassionate, self-assured but not arrogant in any way. They share their joy. The family shares in the fun. I have never been into race cars, but this year, I intend to spend a lot of weekends at the track, hopefully, maybe I can even become a part of the pit crew.

I grew up in a family where I was expected to support everything my parents were into, but they didn't have to support anything I wanted. Not even a Flipping musical instrument. I BEGGED to learn to play anything. My dream was a piano, but when I got the invite to join school band, I told mom I'd settle for any musical instrument, no matter how small or cheap. NOPE Mom's reply was that she didn't have any desire to have to drive me to band on rainy mornings, and that she just knew I'd fail and she'd be stuck with whatever instrument she'd have been forced to buy me.

Spending time with a family that loves each other so much that they bend their own schedules to support each other was such a joy. I'm so, so, so proud of my son and his wife, I just can't stop thinking about it.

So...from the ashes of my own experience, I can see the beauty in what I'm witnessing. A family that supports each other. There isn't an arrogant bone in any of them. They are all supportive of each other and they are all having fun just being together.

I predict my two grandsons won't feel the need to join a trauma forum when they grow up.

----

I woke up at 3 am this morning from a dream that my wife and I had decided to start a podcast. It won't happen, as my wife is quiet and introverted, but the dream was nice. I felt a real love for her for wanting to podcast with me in my dream. I tried to fall back asleep but my energy levels are just too high to sleep through. It's actually very positive. I'd rather be asleep right now, but I don't want to sedate this energy with any sleep aids. So I'm just going to stay up until my eyes get heavy again.

Yesterday, while driving up to the mountains to see the kids, I listened to a chapter from The Seat of the Soul. Zukav mentioned that spiritual based energy is freeing and creative, while physical energy is heavy and stuck. After my Quantum Energy work on Saturday, I heard those words and just said out loud, "You're right!"  It's only been 36 hours since the energy work, but for now, I'm still feeling the flow of creative juices. That's probably why I dreamt of doing podcasts. I have no intention to start a podcast, but it sure is fun to feel the energy of thinking about it right now.

I've been down and sad for so long, this is such a relief. I hope it lasts a while. I'm trying to stay focused on that teaspoon of joy that's in that barrel of misery. Like what I learned last week from what George Takei said about his dad who basically told him after being in the internment camps that survival is less about muscling through the torment and more about finding any small beauty and focusing on that little piece of beauty rather than on the mountain of misery. I'm working on myself now to really adopt that as a lifelong plan...to find the beauty, no matter how small, and focus on that for as long as I can.

Starbunny,

Welcome to the forum. I'm very glad you sought it out and that you found it and that you joined. Thank you for writing the introduction. I'm very sorry to hear about your dad's suicide. My little sister passed away in what I believe was most likely a suicide 16 years ago and I have found it to be the most difficult thing I've ever had to live with. So, I empathize, and I know that what you are going through is no small thing to deal with.

It is very hard to leave home, both logistically and emotionally. I hope you feel comfortable to share here whenever you feel the need. the people on this forum are kind, and have collectively lived through almost anything you can possibly bring in. So, please feel free to share whatever you feel you need or want to share. As little or as much. The guidelines are just there to keep us from becoming political or meanspirited or offensive, but those are just the commonsense rules of kindness.

And about memory, I get that too. That same thing has been happening to me lately too. I met someone last week for the first time. Then, yesterday, I remembered that I'd met her already in November of last year and even had conversations with her. It was such a shock to realize that I'd had that odd lapse in recall. But then I remembered those lapses used to happen to me all the time when I was younger and dealing with my narcissistic family.

Be as active as you want to be. Lurking is okay too.

Welcome.

Journal Entry for Sunday, April 21, 2024

Some big changes happening. I hope they stick. Yesterday I had some energy work done. I may have mentioned here that about a month ago I decided that the physical world wasn't working out for me, so I made a radical decision to allow myself to believe in ANYTHING. I say, "If you tell me a spaceship landed in your backyard" I'll believe it. If you tell me you have a Sasquatch living in your basement, I'll believe it. Nothing is off the table anymore. So I called my massage therapist, who I know to be learning all kinds of woo-woo stuff and asked if she wanted to practice on me. She did. Yesterday she did something she called Quantum Alignment. She worked on me for 90 minutes, doing some very light massage on my sore knees, and a bunch of woo-woo work with my chakras. Before last month I'd have just giggled and called it fun playing, but now that I've decided to give it a real chance, HOLY MOLY did it every make some changes in me. It's only been 24 hours since the session, but yesterday, my body felt stronger. My heart was racing during the afternoon, sort of like I'd drank a gallon of Espresso, but I hadn't done anything different at all. The heart racing subsided by bed time and I slept like a baby last night.

Tomorrow I'm going to meet a new therapist who was recommended to me by my current therapist, as someone who can do VERY intense IFS work. She has studied with Robert Falconer, who wrote The Others Within Us and she told me on the phone that our first session(s) will be to work with the part in me who is, what I call, my inner bouncer. I have an inner bouncer who, for my entire life, has tried to keep other people out of my head. Anytime I've ever tried to meditate or be hypnotized, this part pops up and distracts me. He sends me messages like, "This is stupid. Don't fall for it."  Meanwhile, I PAID a hypnotherapist to help me quit smoking or quit eating too much or to help me find my inner peace, and this bouncer keeps throwing them out of my head. I'm intrigued. I'm so glad she said that was where we'll start, so that as we work in later sessions to find more parts, he won't throw her out of my head.

As always, I'll update my journal with stories of whether this worked or not, and how it might change me.

Today, I'm going to drive up to the mountains where my son and his family live to wish one grandson a happy 13th birthday and let the younger grandson show me his new go-cart. I'm as excited to see them all as they are to see me. Today is a good day after a long bout with difficult days.

I'm very hopeful that the energy work my massage therapist did yesterday continues to help me feel the energy of flow in my body.

It sounds crazy, and it looked crazy while she was doing it, but...wow. Something in me has really opened up. I feel more energetic than I've felt in months.

Lakelynn,

I resonate with the orderly who sat by and sobbed as you told you story. I am a huge fan of empathy, as I believe it can be the greatest healing tool known to mankind. When we know someone is touched by our stories, it feels like a hug all the way to the heart.

Thank you for sharing the story here. I'm drawn in by your post. And the trifecta of things that sent you to be hospitalized, the death of your GM, your mother's act of taking her own life, and the housefire...oh my gosh, ANY ONE of those things was a trauma almost too serious to deal with. My little sister took her own life in 2008, and I have never stopped having crying fits over it. Your story is touching my heart, and I just want you to know that.

I am sorry all these things happened, but I'm glad you are open and willing to share them with us.

Know that, as today progresses, from my heart to yours, I'll be thinking about you and this post.

I'm sending you as much caring energy as I can today.

Meanwhileup

Welcome to the forum. I join in with our peers here that an official diagnosis is not required. If you've been reading about C-PTSD and you know that you fit the attributes of it, that's all that matters.

You said that you had a loving childhood, and I just want to comment that I also did, but that love, like yours, was peppered with mental illnesses and narcissism by some family members, religious leaders of my childhood and even friendships that I'd made with people who were not, at all, good for me. Coming from a "loving" childhood that was also fraught with confusion and coercive or mental gaslighting leaves us growing up confused. I used ask "HOW can I have trauma disorders when I came from a loving household?" It took a while for my therapists to help me see that I am not at all an imposter. The neglect and abuse I suffered was hidden under the name of love. The damage done to my self-image was absolutely real. I am not an imposter, and I don't believe you are either.

It's very common in most of us to begin our journey of healing by first having to accept that our own abuse or neglect really was severe enough to drive a lifetime of trauma triggers. Nobody has trauma triggers if they didn't have trauma.

I sometimes like to think of it like this: Two people sitting in a hospital waiting room, both with a broken leg. One person's leg was broken by a serious war or a serious attack, while the other's leg was broken by falling while having fun playing with friends. My question is: Who's leg deserves to be cleaned and casted, and which one deserves pain meds and a 6-week healing period with a pair of crutches? The answer I come up with is, both of them. A broken leg is a broken leg, no matter how it happened.

So it is with our right to be aware that we lived through something, no matter what it was, that has formed a trauma response to life that is just as serious as anyone else's.

For myself, and many others, the more we accept the trauma triggers as something we have the right to talk about, the more we see just how serious our childhood traumas really were.

I'm very glad you found the forum. I'm sorry to read about the dynamics of your young life, and the confusion it causes in you as you learn how to process what it means to have a normal family today. As far as I'm concerned, if we love our spouse and children, and if we are able to show them that we love them, that's about as normal as any family can ever get.

Welcome to the forum!

Little2Nothing,

Nice share. The sun is shining today here. I think I need to follow your lead and go sit on the porch with a cup of coffee and find a moment of peace.

Enjoy your day,
PC.

StartingHealing,

I just want to say hi and that I enjoy the openness and heart in your posts. Good luck with your schooling.

I was touched by your comment that your dad is closer to you now than ever before. I know that feeling. My little sister has visited me several times during my dreams. She reassures me she's happier now than she was, and that her love for me still shines, so I'm very glad to hear that your dad is still with you also.

True love may be hard to find, but once we find it, it never really dies.

Little2Nothing

Thank you for sharing that post on April 13 above.

I thought I had processed my own stories of CSA as deeply as they could be processed, and yet, reading the recent posts by yourself and one or two other OOTS members as of late has begun to strip away another layer of varnish I hadn't really noticed was there.

I've been dealing with the sadness and frustration of CSA for 40 years. I realize now that I had assumed that was as close to the memories as I was ever going to be able to go. And yet, something about the posts being shared this past week by yourself and a few others is giving me permission to dig a bit deeper and to address the hidden, lost horrors of what really happened.

This is a good thing. The fact that my brain is willing to release the core files and actual memories is an unexpected relief. I feel like I've been carrying 300 pounds of baggage that I didn't realize I was carrying, and that maybe, just maybe, that weight might fall off soon, leaving me to feel lighter and nimbler, and more grateful to still be alive today.

Welcome to the forum, Sunspirit!

I like the name you've chosen. Very positive.