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I'm reading about diminishing the inner critic voice and part of it resonates, part of it doesn't. Nothing seems to be quite as conscious and loud as the article seems to imply. I don't have a "word-thought" with content I seem to react to. I don't hear a berating voice. It starts with the flashback into intense fear of abandonment and then I can work my way back to some sort of unfulfilled perfectionist expectation of myself. I don't berate myself for it.

This leads to the biggest a-ha I got from exploring that: I am terrified of losing my partner's love because I'm not quite sure how I secured it in the first place. So I grasp at straws, guessing about what "value" I have for him, subconsciously assigning Great Importance to some things (like housework - for example I get the panicky shaking fear if he comments about the food I make in any way other than delight). I haven't finished the article, I see there are some strategies to try, but I'm thinking I could discuss this with my partner, so that I have a specific instance of him explaining his feelings for me to call up in my mind when the big rejection button gets slammed. We'd work it out in a way that it's not something that my brain can twist into a list of expectations.

Hey Armadillo, yes I do the relaxation on my own, I'm usually pretty good at this sort of thing. I find most recorded sessions aren't timed right for me? I need to feel out each part on my own. But you did give me the idea to find a reliable external stimulus to focus on! I'll give it a think. (And the day was quite relaxing, I still enjoyed myself during!)

Ha, yes, creativity does seem to be one thing I seem to have going for me. Aside from clinical psychology I studied graphic design, I like drawing digitally, sometimes I collage. And the poetry is actually quite recent - I'm trying to fight my self-perception of being "bad at words". While it's true that I'm not great at verbal communication, especially in my mother tongue (gendered language, complicated relationship there), and especially when I'm emotionally invested in something I just can't talk at all, nothing comes out. But. I'm pretty good with writing in English, when I can take my time to figure out how to say things. (This self-doubt was also sown by an intelligence test I had to take in childhood, where I scored the lowest on "verbal intelligence" - that's the only thing I remember about the results, which I'm pretty sure I shouldn't have seen anyway?) There was a poetry challenge going around in May and I thought I'd try it, as I had a little bit of practice previously writing prayers, and I had a lot of fun with it. I didn't do it daily, too much pressure, but I'd like to go back to it. I really started releasing and processing some difficult emotions about you know, Everything. All the difficult past things, how I coped with it. A new way to unlock, explore and express things. Exciting.

(By the way, I don't think I'll be posting the poems after all - I reviewed the forum guidelines and even if I removed the swears it would still be either adult content or graphic stuff. It's alright, I still get the benefit of getting it out of my system, even if I don't show it to other people who'd understand).

(Added more quotes I found on social media)

The healer also needs healing.
The planner also needs surprises.
The giver also needs to receive.
The thoughtful also needs to be thought of.
The considerate also needs to be considered.

People give what they need.
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I am not asking for anything unreasonable.
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My needs are not too much.
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The right people will enter my life and understand how I am, and will try to work with me.
____

My needs are just as important as anyone else's needs.
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I am important enough to take up space.
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It's ok to be vulnerable.

Jun 30

Exercise 1, day 4.

• Morning - vaguely resigned. Was looking forward o all sorts of things on my day alone. But the night was bad, got up with back pain and cramps, and it's raining.
• Afternoon - stressed. Partner is coming back from the office soon and I don't know how I'm going to feel about my alone time being over. Will I acutely notice the difference?
• Evening - tiny bit discouraged. Seeing how tired my partner is brings up feelings of guilt for taking this alone day as a day off, instead of making the most use of the no-distractions to progress on bigger/more obtrusive chores.

____

I had real trouble last night, couldn't disconnect the train of thought that insisted on replaying the worst periods of my life in reverse-chronological order. I know sleep comes fastest when I do progressive muscle relaxation, or stillness meditation, I just couldn't do it. Couldn't focus, went right back on that hamster wheel after doing one muscle group.
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This small format of my physical notebook is great for this type of journaling. Big pages encourage me to be long-winded and I never read back through those behemoths. Here it's easy to see each entry and it's theme/point. Heartening!

Jun 29

Exercise 1, day 3.

• Morning - distressed. I feel panicky about what I should be doing. My back hurts after a 40min trek to the nearest post office and I want to rest. But there's a pop-up recycling park I want to take advantage of. And I was planning to go shopping on my way back, so already strayed from the plan. Feeling immense pressure.
• Afternoon - completely zoned out after all that above. Groceries really drained me. I did some sculpting? As a restful but embodying activity.
• Evening - excited for tomorrow. I'm getting a whole day to myself, I wonder what I'll do. I'll have a call with a friend, that's for sure, already set it up.

_____

I've had so much pleasure yesterday just from being able to see better. I've stopped wearing my glasses outside during the pandemic, couldn't get them to stop fogging up. Now that we're allowed maskless outside I have to keep reminding myself to bring them along. I've missed nature so much, over a year of details lost - my last year in my homeland. Now I can see the definition in the clouds, the different leaf shapes, the tiny wildflowers. I even saw a fox chasing rabbits. I feel I can truly get the benefits of nature when I can actually see it, my autistic brain is very happy.

I'm sorry you're feeling so terrible, it sounds like a really tough night. I don't have anything helpful to say about navigating your relationship with your mom, but I know you're not mean. You're kind and considerate and trying your best to heal and grow, which can't be said for everyone involved. It's a lot of work. I hope things look calmer and clearer in the morning. You said you've been better lately and this event doesn't undo all that. I'm hopeful you'll find your new equilibrium soon enough.

Don't worry about it, Armadillo, I don't think an apology is needed here (Unless you meant the type of sorry that's not an apology Then I accept the sentiment, thank you). I was just clarifying because I realized not everyone will know what I mean, it's not that commonly known. A risk of transcribing my personal journal entries onto a public platform! Sometimes some things need explaining.

Alright, I'll make sure to blur/cover any sweary words when I'm ready to post. Thanks!

And I appreciate your honest efforts to enact change and do good in the world, rainydiary

Here is the autistic burnout post - tw for a lot of suicide talk.
https://theautisticadvocate.com/2018/05/an-autistic-burnout/

I would have been ok with it as a highschooler, but the subject matter is pretty heavy, so it might need some caution.

Hey rainydiary,
I'm sorry about your complicated history arout something you love so much. Water can be so soothing, I hope you continue to take steps to be able to simply enjoy it again.

As for the phone call - best of luck. Are you someone to just grit your teeth and go for a difficult task? I find I feel more calm and confident when I do a little build-up - some very simple tasks and accomplishments just before the Big One. I find it interesting to see how others approach challenges. However/whenever you do it, it will soon be over and you'll be able to enjoy forgetting about it.

Thanks, rainydiary. I am all for autistic-led self-advocacy. Nothing about us without us! I'm happy people are beginning to listen.

You know what's funny? I actually studied clinical psychology at uni, and nowhere in the depersonalized abstracted medical terms did I recognize myself. I only realized "what the heck is wrong with me" when I found the autistic community online. I really hope more and more professionals will start seeing us as people first, instead of a set of troubling incomprehensible symptoms or almost-non-humans. That's a problem with many disabilities and neurotypes - the medical definition seeks to identify (and later cure) the symptoms that distract and distress "normal" society, instead of seeking to identify and accommodate the problems the person themselves are facing.

Sorry, got a bit intense there. But if you have the chance you can tell Kieran he's making a difference all over the world His website was the first place I heard about autistic burnout and that was a term I was sorely missing for my "unexplainable" breakdowns, like clockwork - every 2 - 2.5 years. I regularly pass that article along to people.

That's amazing, Armadillo, I'm happy you're gaining/re-gaining some functions that help you feel confident!

I'm wondering if this is the source of my own problems navigating... I'm notoriously terrible at it. But there is definitely something to say for removing a major stressor and how that improves our performance and quality of life. I had such a burst of creativity, insight, healing progress etc when I moved out of my hometown, where so many places had bad memories attached to them. They kept me down. I'm excited for what else you'll discover you're able to do! (And for myself too, now that I've moved countries, from one of the most homophobic ones, to one of the most open and accepting ones). Let's go!

Hey Armadillo! Yes, masking pain or who we are is very tiring, and often reinforces the unfounded belief that we're somehow wrong (we should be hiding). I was referring specifically to autistic masking, but I can definitely see how that transfers to other things, things that might be more about shame for example.
https://theautisticadvocate.com/2018/07/masking-i-am-not-ok/

Unfortunately while I intellectually understand a lot about how it's ultimately harmful, I still don't have that inner knowing that would enable me to act on that intellectual knowledge. I get glimpses of that body-knowing when things are going great, I remember how free it can feel, but I haven't crossed that threshold of just being as I am by default. I have a bit of relative freedom from masking because I just... don't go out. I don't do social interactions in the real world. And I'm not sure if that's protecting myself, or hurting myself further. Occasionally I'll try something, like a few years back I joined an LGBTQ choir - I love singing. But having to be around people regularly was too exhausting, and I had to quit a few months in. Maybe building my confidence would help. If I tried not-masking with someone other than my partner and my one autistic friend and saw that it's ok...? Even if someone would stare or say something about me being weird, maybe I could learn to trust that that fear response that happens isn't Actually life-or-death. I might add that to a Project List haha! Right after "finish the emotional exercises" and "figure out a sensory diet". "Try not masking occasionally where other people can see me".

Yes, I'm waiting, no problem. I wouldn't want to compromise the wholesomeness and safety of the forum, so just clarifying if "art" makes it ok.

Hello, I have some poems I'd like to share but I don't know if they'd be appropriate as there are swears. I know I can (and will) tag for various triggers and content warnings, can I put a "swears" warning as well (maybe in the title of the post) or should I not post them? I made the poems into graphic,s overlaying the writing with pictures, so I could also "blur"/pixelate the sweary parts?