Topics

I think I have two distinct younger selves. The one I see the most is my inner little kid, she's probably about six and a generally very happy-go-lucky girl, probably because she's from before my trauma. I really enjoy being her and being with her, and I've invested in a bunch of calico critters and their playsets to re-visit what brought me the most joy during that time: playing pretend. I don't think I really need inner child work for her, she feels protected by her our mom, and I think by me as well.

However, my inner teen is much more reticent. I'm not sure if she's just much more intertwined with my current self, or if it's something else, but I want to help her more.  I'm just really not sure how. I often daydream about going back in time with my current college knowlege, so that teenage-me could focus on having fun. Maybe part of me still thinks if I'd been even smarter, I'd be more valued, but I know that isn't accurate. People being cruel is outside of my control.

When I try to engage my inner teen in the same way I do with my inner child however, it just kind of falls flat. Inner child, who I'll be calling Jessie for convenience sake, is enthusiastic about playing again, about getting to stretch her legs. My inner teen doesn't want any of that, no video games, no magazines. I want to give her comfort, but I don't know how...

Any advice/ideas?

Whoooo boy, first journal entry. Here we go, come on, you can do this...

I thought today was as good as any to start journaling, seeing as today I let my therapist know I wanted to try trauma informed approaches instead of just talk therapy for my anxiety. I chickened out three times before this, which is pretty good considering my track record. Hens look at me and start laughing immediately, that's how big a chicken I am.

Mostly I was afraid of being a special snowflake, seeing as I've already been diagnosed with ADHD, Autism and Generalized Anxiety. Adding one more to the list felt wrong, like I was faking it. And of course since I'm predisposed to doubt myself all the dang time, and to believe my self doubt with gusto, for a while I convinced myself pretty well that not only did I not have CPTSD, but that even if I did, a whiner like me didn't deserve treatment. If I wasn't better by now, six years after my escape, then I just wasn't cut out for any kind of recovery.

In general, I still don't think I'm worth it.  I don't need an excuse to cut myself down, I do it automatically without prompting.  I've even deliberately re-traumatized myself a few times, as a punishment for doing something wrong.

I need to fix this. I'm not getting better, in fact, I'm pretty sure I'm getting worse.

~~

So I didn't finish writing this, however many months ago.

Since then, therapy has ended. Very recently actually; last week was my final appointment. I feel a mix of disappointment and relief. I was seeing this therapist for over a year, and I made no headway at all, we focused heavily on my symptoms of anxiety, using CBT. As I've said to every single therapist and mental health professional I've ever met, I don't have any thoughts to control—my anxiety is biological, for lack of a better term.

After doing some reading from Pete Walker's CPTSD book, I realized that my anxiety is more my sympathetic nervous system in constant overdrive then classic GAD.  I'm constantly tense, everything makes me startle, my sleep is fitful at best, even though I'm good at falling asleep and sleeping too much.

Also, I hate myself.

I hate myself so much. When someone tries to get me to do the "tell me five things you like about yourself" exercise, I fail to come up with even one. I despise myself. Every single day I'm coming up with ways to punish myself for being a worthless pile of sludge of a human being.

I am pathologically incapable of receiving affection.

My cat, Saffron, for example, is a foster fail, who I hand reared with her two litter-mates from about one month old. Because they were so under-nourished when they arrived, their schedule of care was much more like that of two to three week olds, waking up every few hours to weigh, feed, stimulate (kittens can't go to the bathroom on their own in early life) and medicate them. Because of this constant handling, all three of them grew up to be extremely friendly cats.

Saffron literally sits in my lap all day every day, and if she's not sitting on me, she's sitting next to me. Obviously it's her choice to be near me. She likes my company.

Deep inside, I can't convince myself that she loves me.

I've tried! And I absolutely adore her; sometimes just looking at her brings me to tears with how happy she makes me. She's a wonderful, loving, intelligent companion, and every single day is better with her.

But despite the abundance of evidence that she loves me, something in me cannot accept that.

Same thing with my friends and family. I have a violent emotional reaction to praise.  It literally hurts to hear it.

So... Yeah. I desperately need help. I'm not sure if I can fix this on my own.

Now that I've stopped therapy with the person from my local health clinic, I'm going to try and do some digging for a therapist who understands CPTSD more. I have a lot of work to do, I think.

Anyhow, I'm going to sign off, before I can't climb out of the self-hate pit. I think I'll read some chapters of Maiko-San Chi no Makanai-San, a manga about a teenage girl who works as a caterer at a maiko boarding house. I really identify with the main character, Kiyo. If anyone reads this and needs a little boost of happiness, I can't recommend it enough.

-Noise

It seems like I'm only able to get angry, like, really angry, in my dreams. You know that one John Mulaney bit where he says that someone could pour a hot bowl of soup on his lap and he would apologize? Yeah, that's pretty much my waking self. It's probably unhealthy how much pride I take in not reacting to things that should cause me anger.  And I'm not talking the little things either, as a NYer there is definitely a bit of a thick skin that builds up, it's a natural part of living here, but I didn't get angry when someone who I thought was my friend told me to drop out of school multiple times.

I remember what I thought that day too: "Oh well, that hurt, but she's probably just having a bad day." There were some inner-critic comments dabbled in there as well, but those probably don't bear repeating.

Anyhow, the point is I've been at this so long I legit find it very difficult to get angry, but sometimes, when I dream, I'm suddenly irate, kicking and screaming (not at people, more like a tantrum on my bed sort of thing).  Sometimes I even wake up in tears with whatever managed to set me off in my dreams.  More often than not they're about my dad, and I'll just yell and yell and yell at him, but not always.

I get why my subconscious does it, I'm pretty pent up, but when I wake I don't feel any better.

Hello, I'm Noise.  I found this forum while browsing through the CPTSD subreddit and decided to take the plunge and join. I started embarking on my mental health journey about a year ago, maybe a little more, when I finally got myself a GP doctor in my area.  They of course did an anxiety and depression screening, and I, not thinking clearly at the time (lol), answered honestly, leading to an almost comical high score on the anxiety part. It didn't even occur to me that it was bad, I've been living with this anxiety for so long.

Anyhow, since then my GP, and now my psychiatrist and therapist have been trying all sorts of things to help me, but none of them really work, I think because I haven't even mentioned my trauma to most of them. My therapist knows a little, but I always treat the subject with the "but seriously I'm better," caveat.

I am not better.

I was neglected and abused emotionally by my father for about six years, and physically neglected for that same amount of time. The scars run really deep, and honestly most days I don't even look or touch what happened. I'm scared to try, but something has to change.

I'm hoping here to find a community as I confront this finally.

Sorry for getting so dark so fast! I promise I'm not usually like this.

As far as normal day to day stuff, I'm a programmer, I love to cook and bake, and I also foster orphaned kittens! Currently I've got three little black and white babies who are almost ready for adoption. I'll definitely miss them when they're gone, but I'm so happy with how much they've grown.

Feel free to ask me all sorts of questions to get to know me better, I'm not very good at these intro things.