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Hi all,

I originally felt bad about this recent conversation, but now I don't. Although my response isn't my ultimate goal, I think it's a step in the right direction. I'm very slowly coming to the realization that I can feel and express anger, although I'm going to need a lot of practice to do it appropriately because I've never had it modeled. I wasn't really angry here, but I didn't have the energy or interest to "be polite" to someone who was so obviously incapable of returning the favor. Mostly I'm proud that I saw it for what it was: A narcissist fishing for victims.

[Upon meeting someone new at a social event held by a "friend"]
Adult Male: "Hi, I'm ___."
Me: "Hi,  ___, I'm Sunny. Nice to meet you."
Adult Male: "Yeah, it's nice to meet you, I guess."
Me: *pause* "You're a *."

Hi, my new community. Up much earlier than needed thanks to a nightmare. I know they'll get worse the more I delve into my "stuff." It wasn't a relived experience, just a hypothetical that often plagues me. Usually I can't scream in my dreams, no matter how hard I try, but this time I found my voice. I want to believe that's a good sign. But now I'm a little worried because, while I finally managed to yell in my dream, I also yelled for real as I woke up. I thought for sure my neighbors would hear and call me/the police, but nothing so far. (Also concerning, though - either no one can hear me, or no one's willing to do anything about it.)

I hate feeling so scared and helpless. I always triple check the locks on the doors before bed, but I have nightmares anyway. Not always, but more than I'd like. I've thought about taking self defense classes to help empower myself, but they're expensive. Has anyone done that? Did it help?

You can't imagine my relief at finding this site and forum. Or, actually, I guess you can.

I grew up in a functionally addicted, mentally ill, narcissistic, physically abusive household. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and began mood stabilizers at 15. I saw many psychiatrists and therapists over the years, had many different diagnoses, took many, many different medications (including antipsychotics), was briefly institutionalized, and was told that I had a genetic disorder that would never get better. I spent many years wishing for my death but unwilling to cause it. I spent many years lost in darkness and without hope.

Through grace, I began to find my way out of that dark place 8 years ago. I realized that my mental illness was a result of emotional pain, not genetics. I took control of my healing, but I didn't truly understand my situation until I found this forum a few days ago. No mental health professional had ever talked to me about childhood abuse or trauma -none had ever even asked the question - and none had ever mentioned PTSD. When I read the description on this site, it all made sense. I did some googling to learn more and stumbled upon a description of narcissistic personality disorder, and another piece of the puzzle fell into place. I hadn't realized I had a narcissistic parent until now.

Over the last 24 hours I've begun to see the behaviors that I display - textbook behaviors for children of abuse and/or narcissists - as coping mechanisms rather than who I am. I have always disliked and wanted to change these behaviors but had no others to substitute for them, and I have hated myself for a long time because I thought they were "me." Now I know that they're just strategies that I developed for survival, and I can develop new strategies. I've found a bit of self compassion and hope. I'm seeing a new therapist tomorrow who, "coincidentally," specializes in PTSD. I made the appointment before I even found this forum - it seems that grace is still on my side.

I am alone and desperately lonely. I want to connect with people but don't know how, and my attempts feel clumsy and childish. All of my relationships are superficial. I have a few friends that I think I could say I love, but none of them even know where I live. I don't really know what love is, but I have guesses. I need to find out, or die trying.

I've chosen the name "Sunflower Rising" because, for me, it's an image of hope, healing, resilience, and divine connection. The sunflower makes the best of things, even when they're bad. It is hardy and grows quickly. It provides many nourishing seeds to those around it, and the number (Fibonacci sequence) reflects the divine magic inherent within all of the universe. It always turns its face to the sunshine and turns its back to darkness. It lives its one life to the fullest and dies without regret.

I want to be a sunflower, but I guess in some ways I already am. So, please call me Sunny.

Thank you for creating, maintaining, and contributing to this community. Thank you for bearing witness and helping me to find answers.  Most of all, thank you for being with me so that I don't have to be alone.

In gratitude,
Sunny