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I'm having a difficult time inhabiting a world that once was very rewarding and affirming for me. As though it's been poisoned by the disregard of the person I used to be in an abusive relationship with. To be specific, I have been a musician all my life. Music is something I've practiced from a very young age and developed quite a bit of skill with. My job is (currently---I like to feel that all things are still possible, even at the age of 45) to teach piano and violin privately (mostly to kids), play weekly at a church (sans religion, in my mind), and do a number of freelance gigs involving many types of music-making: fiddling when necessary, jazz comping on the piano when called for, soloistic violin stuff--a mishmash of things I'm called upon to do and that I set out to do myself based on interest, goals, etc. It used to be something I was very excited about, if at times over-stretched and stressed out by it by taking on too many disparate unrelated tasks. This interest was hard-won, after many floundering years in my 20's when I couldn't quite believe in what I was doing, and finally managed to branch out from the very limited musical scope in which I was operating. Having succeeded at doing this, I felt wonderful, as you only can when you've traveled to a new and more desirable place through your own efforts. Throughout the course of this abusive relationship, however, my boyfriend showed himself more and more to have zero appreciation of this, and zero interest in it. "All you're interested in is music. I don't even like music", I would hear. I guess I would rather be someone who can be reached on many levels and through many different avenues, and not be so limited in how I get meaning/enjoyment from life. But that was my way. Shaky enough, I guess, that his what felt like heartless criticism was enough to derail me. Sure, I continue to do what I've done, but with a deadened spirit and the loss of the enthusiasm I once had. Any thoughts on how not to let mean-spirited attitudes rob you of the things that once offered you support?

Thanks for reading.

Something that has long worried me and that it's been hard to find answers about is that I have major gaps in my memory.
I know we're not psychological or medical professionals here, and that no one can definitively say what this is about,
but I have a sense that it's a result of shutdown or disassociation rather than any physiological problem. I take great
comfort in finding this place and a possible path to finally finding my way out of some of this fear and deprivation.
I say deprivation because with such gaps in my memory, I feel as though I'm deprived of an identity, which is scary indeed.

Hello all-

I'm having a hard time even posting anything because I feel as though my situation doesn't come anywhere near the severity that many on here have experienced. And yet I have come to believe that my pathologically abysmal self-image which I've carried with me since teenage years (I'm now 45), accompanied by a seemingly unshakable need to judge myself in the harshest possible manner must be rooted in some sort of childhood trauma. I am also some time out of an emotionally abusive relationship and having an extremely hard time getting over it and moving on. The loss of this relationship has completely thrown me--I can't seem to find the same excitement and value in the things I used to do prior to getting involved with this person. I slowly over the years we were together stopped investing in myself and my life in order to be ready to do whatever he wanted/needed at  moment's notice. And after allowing myself to slip into this dynamic, he eventually abandoned me, moved away and took up with someone else. I'm still reeling from the callousness with which I was treated and not sure which way is up.

Thanks for listening.

Hello all--

Still technologically challenged. Rather than write a long post that will only be lost, I'll try posting only this.