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Hello everyone. Lately I've been processing and investigating a lot of stuff about my past, and I find that I want to talk to someone about it. Specifically, there's a lot that builds up, discoveries made, frustrations, loneliness, and I feel like I'd like to just vent and rant about all of it; but, then I feel an anxiety that most people don't want to hear it, others would exploit it, others would criticize it, or it would damage what few meaningful relationships I have. As far as my therapist goes, I only see her for an hour every two weeks, and most of the time we're processing something; it isn't enough to fully vent everything I want to say. As far as this forum goes I worry that I would be too much, and I'm still dealing with the diagnosis being new and an imposter syndrome. By the end of catastrophizing all the reasons I can't share, I end up giving up on the idea altogether, until it reaches a critical point and I vent parts at my friend, then proceed to feel ashamed at being so "overdramatic" and an "attention whore" (inner critic words, not his). On occasion I have the time and focus to journal, which does help, but doesn't do much to help the feeling that I can't talk to others. I have theories about where this issue comes from, but I'd like to hear what advice or insight any of you have.

Hello all. I was hoping to get some opinions/suggestions on some cognitive dissonance I've been having lately.
Recently I've begun to comprehend that my childhood was abusive. Specific chunks of it at least; moments that are blatant enough they can't be explained away anymore, especially on my dad side (my parents divorced when I was young, so I sort of feel I have 2 childhoods). That one I can accept.

However, as I explore my memories on my mom side, as well as my years before 6, I hit a couple of walls. For the earlier part, as a very young child pre-divorce, there's a lot of positive and "normal" memories; it's very middle class home, two loving parents, stay-at-home mom, safe friendly neighborhood, golden retriever (very '90s). The problem with this is it doesn't entirely match up with my symptoms, and a couple of little memories, and there's a sense that it's almost... too perfect. But I can't think of anything that stands out as particularly damaging, pre-divorce.

On my mom's side of childhood memories, there's mostly a lot of guilt. Though I remember a very distinct feeling of being alone emotionally and sometimes physically (not to the point of physical neglect, but because we lived very rural, no neighbors or friends), I also have memories of periods of time where there was more casual lightness; like joking and watching tv shows together. I also know that my mom tried her best and was simply overwhelmed with being a single parent of two kids, during the recession, with at least severe depression. There are also a number of memories where she was very comforting, especially in the first couple years after the divorce. The challenge has also been compounded by the fact that recently she and I have spent some time together, and she's made a lot of progress with her own therapy to the point I'd say our relationship is healthy. All those contribute to a sense that it's unfair for me to consider her a neglectful or abusive parent, despite other memories that fall along those lines, and some very distinct periods of time where I felt outright abandoned.

So my questions here are: how do you reconcile being unable to recognize/accept a person as abusive (or previously abusive) with such conflicting memories, especially without delayed resentment affecting the present, and is it even necessary? Or would avoiding labeling it be denial? Any advice/insight would be helpful, and I do recognize the answers of what works are highly individual, so I'm largely looking for what works for you guys. Also, I do intend to bring this issue/dissonance up with my therapist as well.

Hello all. In wading through the quagmire of memories, I've come across a couple instances that are at least emotionally abusive, but I'm not certain qualify as physical. I'm hoping to see if anyone here may know.

Trigger Warning (I think)
So in my family with my dad and stepmother, it was one of the top themes that being overweight (ie, not stick thin) was unacceptable. Exercise was required when my sister and I went for custody visits, and we often did things like a 7 mile bike ride despite us not being at all prepared for or eased into it, or in shape for it (the rest of the time, with mom, we ate normal American diet and didn't exercise so were chunky). We weren't allowed to dismount our bikes on the hills, and I recall being told "if you can still talk, you aren't going hard enough". Pain was dismissed. We were also required to eat whatever we were given, even though I was made sick by dairy, as my dairy allergy was undiagnosed at the time and therefore "fake". My sister was also required at one point to only eat food from a particular diet plan, though it made her sick from non-allergy causes.

I recognize the emotional abuse aspect of this, but would it qualify as physical abuse as well?

Hello all. Lately (entire past year to be honest, but especially the last couple weeks) I've been struggling with a sense of anxiety and internal pressure to "heal" perfectly. Specifically, using techniques I learned in therapy and practice each day in a manner that is right. Part of it is using flashcards which direct my thinking to a certain thing and then I envision or try to feel warmth towards it. But what has been happening with increasing strength lately is I feel a sense of dread and worry as soon as I pick up the cards; worry that if I don't do it right and perfectly, it'll get worse and worse and eventually undo all the work I've done, backfiring everything and causing more problems than it solves. This compounds when I remember it's supposed to be (more or less) effortless and natural and that stress blocks it.

I often have a sense that I'm subconsciously waiting for some epiphany or life-changing breakthrough to happen in healing and therapy, some undeniable marker that my healing is complete, and that I can relax and be normal again. Or that I'm somehow slowly drifting from a healthy path, despite my efforts and marked progress. There are a million ways to heal, but my mind tends to think that because I still have symptoms, something must not be working right (or I'm not doing it right) and I either need to try much harder or try some other tactic.

Overall it just gets to feel overwhelming, and makes it difficult to enjoy and be optimistic about healing practices. Any advice on handling perfectionism would be appreciated.

Hello, I'm new to the forums (of course).

Recently I've discovered I very likely have CPTSD. My therapist sort of confirmed it, by saying she agrees, but doesn't want to use labels, so... that's sort of a diagnosis? I find it difficult to say I have it, both from self doubt (worried I'm making it up to get out of blame) and from worrying that to accept it means I have an inescapable condition or have to view myself as a victim. So for now I'll just say I have a lot of symptoms that match up with it, that I'm looking for support for from this forum.

I'll keep my background brief, and say that I have a history of being treated poorly in childhood, struggling with depression and anxiety "coincidentally" starting and worsening in parallel to that, and finally, recently, a long-term relationship that went sideways and led to me discovering CPTSD. The concept that my childhood was abusive is new, as I had always believed that unless physical violence was present everything was fine, and that I was just doing things that resulted in the behavior, so I still hesitate to call it that. Same goes for my relationship.

So far I've lurked a bit, and have seen some similarities in experiences. My biggest concern first is that what happened in my past isn't "bad enough" for me to be here.