Hello all and thank you to the maintainers of this space. Throwing this into the ether...
My most striking symptom would have to be a strong feeling that I'm about to be physically attacked from behind when in the presence of unfamiliar people. Beyond a social or public setting, I am generally "paranoid" with respect to the intent of others - I have a knack to see ill intent in a benign remark, I am slow to enter and quick to exit any sort of relationship, I am sensitive to the sound of laughter, etc. These in turn can lead to isolation, self-loathing, and depression.
I'm a man, of middle-agedness, who has been receiving ongoing pharmaceudical treatment for "anxiety" for 20 years. The majority of this time I have been content to experience relief provided by the treatment but am now beginning to wonder if there isn't a more active role for me to play, if not for myself, then for my children.
Growing up, my father was verbally abusive and a daily marijuana user, I was molested at age 6, moved cross-country at age 7 where I was jumped by two kids on the first day of school and teased/excluded thereafter, moved cross-country again at age 10 and welcomed by the other kids with a punch in the head. I learned to bully others and entered a cycle of giving and receiving senseless random pain, developed a dependence on alcohol, and attempted suicide a couple times. This eventually prompted me to quit drinking and begin taking medication.
I assume I won't be able to educate myself out of this and the path to recovery is at once daunting and vague. That said, I have a hunch that it can't be found without at least acknowledging these things because it makes me uncomfortable to do so.
My most striking symptom would have to be a strong feeling that I'm about to be physically attacked from behind when in the presence of unfamiliar people. Beyond a social or public setting, I am generally "paranoid" with respect to the intent of others - I have a knack to see ill intent in a benign remark, I am slow to enter and quick to exit any sort of relationship, I am sensitive to the sound of laughter, etc. These in turn can lead to isolation, self-loathing, and depression.
I'm a man, of middle-agedness, who has been receiving ongoing pharmaceudical treatment for "anxiety" for 20 years. The majority of this time I have been content to experience relief provided by the treatment but am now beginning to wonder if there isn't a more active role for me to play, if not for myself, then for my children.
Growing up, my father was verbally abusive and a daily marijuana user, I was molested at age 6, moved cross-country at age 7 where I was jumped by two kids on the first day of school and teased/excluded thereafter, moved cross-country again at age 10 and welcomed by the other kids with a punch in the head. I learned to bully others and entered a cycle of giving and receiving senseless random pain, developed a dependence on alcohol, and attempted suicide a couple times. This eventually prompted me to quit drinking and begin taking medication.
I assume I won't be able to educate myself out of this and the path to recovery is at once daunting and vague. That said, I have a hunch that it can't be found without at least acknowledging these things because it makes me uncomfortable to do so.