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[Content Warning:]

Content Warning: Pretty much all of them but as I say later, I try not to go into too much detail.

I don't know if this is where to put this. It is about childhood.

Through laziness and exhaustion, I'm going to paste what I wrote in a more general advice area. I was writing for a specific forum so I'm not sure if that comes through.

I may have explained C-PTSD incorrectly or maybe it is more that I explained it as myself...

Following is the paste:

[Content warning: pretty much will tick all of the boxes but I will try to avoid going into detail]

I'm not sure how to phrase most of this.

Basically most of my childhood and a lot of my adolescence is a blank. I've become an expert at blocking out even the smallest upset so that even now in adulthood something huge can pop out of left field from a year or so ago. Those I experience in a "standard" post-traumatic stress disorder flashback. Visuals and body sensations mostly with the words remembered but not always heard. Physically I either go into panic or I shutdown and dissociate. Usually the latter.

I remember a lot of physical, emotional, and mental abuse in childhood and those along with sexual abuse in adolescence and then "easing off" as I went through my early twenties. I'm mostly safe now although having said that, this year has been remarkably tough.

*

My point is that I seem to get "emotion/sensation" flashbacks which I can't place to a memory or an occurrence but which stretch back to childhood. C-PTSD can involve a lot of these... weirder flashbacks, the ones which appear to have no context.

Two I know have happened since I was a pre-teen are the bodily sensations and fear I have surrounding an uncle and a cousin.

I'm worried my mind might be making false connections. I do recall feeling like this cousin who was probably close to a decade my elder seeming to... leer at me when I was about ten. His room was filled with porn mag pull-outs and I saw all of them when I was younger than that. Still not sure why I was allowed in his room with all that around.

With the uncle, I can't explain it. He's self-diagnosed bipolar but I know and have known many with bipolar and he's not the only uncle I have. He's the only one I get these feelings from, however.

*

They are like my skin is crawling inside and out. It can be that there's a sensation of being maybe held? Around the upper arms? Sometimes I feel sick and often I start to dissociate when it kicks in. Sometimes it feels like somebody might be on me but not crushing me. I remember being frightened of the attic in my first childhood house that I remember but not why. Only that the uncle slept there when he needed to stay with the family for a while.

Then there's this indescribable "certainty" that somebody babysitting me in that house showed me or wound up letting me accidentally see porn, back when I was about five. I remember blonde women. Except the part of the house the memory tries to place that in doesn't make sense so I can't trust it.

*

I was about to launch into a bunch of other fragments and points which might add up to suspicious circumstances. I realised that was pointlessly upsetting for others and tiring for myself.

*

What I want to ask is if people agree when a doctor says "It's better that you don't remember,"?

For me, I'm not sure. I am constantly guilty about my friends who remember for a fact about sexual child abuse. I feel my emotion-sensation flashbacks and thoughts are... completely selfish and disrespectful, even though I tend not to talk to them about it. Even their being in my head makes me feel horrible and cruel because I can't be sure. Like I'm always competing with others in there.

I hate that. It's hard to ignore as I wind up ruminating a lot and I'm too ill to work. I try hard to focus on other things but some days are worse than others.

I bought a DBT book with about 225 worksheets and asked my carer to print me out a distress tolerance booklet. I see a psychologist, will be receiving help from autistic spectrum related support workers, and have my first drop in visit with the city's resource centre for people with AS and HFA (diagnosed Asperger's recently). So there's all that.

*

Again, I'm not sure whether or not it is better to not know when I keep getting all these flashbacks. Maybe I should simply stick with learning to ride them out. I guess that's what the doctors who have said this mean?

Has anybody been in a similar situation? What did you do? What's your opinion? Have you tried DBT? Are there any resources you'd suggest?

Thanks.

End of paste. Same questions to you folk, I suppose. I feel really queasy and so I might be coming off as curt. I don't mean to be.

[Story in bullet points to try to keep it as quick as possible:]

Story in bullet points to try to keep it as quick as possible:

• I'm 25 genderfluid, sex female and he is 32 male
• knew him a bit before
• together for a year
• dumped day before anniversary because he "couldn't deal his issues" or I "was too much" or both
• said we would "talk in a few days" when steering me out the flat
• I had to prompt that by asking what sort of time scale that was after I sent a huge apology and got a short answer which said I wasn't hated, was "still cared for", "we" both needed space, and that he hoped to be friends again "someday though it would be difficult or unlikely"; I still don't know if he meant it would be hard for both people, him, or me
• he told my flatmate we'd start talking again in a couple of months, maybe sooner
• my flatmate is also my unofficial carer and knows all of the sudden life stressors which are piling on so once or twice asked ex to get in touch with small amount of encouragement as I felt I needed it
• first time "the internet was out" for about a week and he didn't get the message but I was feeling better so I said he wasn't to worry
• second time it was simply ignored
• I may have Aspergers and recently learned that people can become fixations as much as hobbies; this worries me due to aspects of C-PTSD
• it's been about a month, not a long time to a stable person, but ages for me
• I won't go into detail as it is not allowed and I will seek help but self-destructive behaviours have been present
• a few days ago I sent a video in which I was going for self-closure as he was ignoring a lot and my stable carer said it was getting a "little bit [expletive]" though my carer didn't go too much into detail
• I wasn't sure what it was going to be but it would up being a calm, honest, blunt, but not intended to be mean discussion of the issues he shows and some of his friends see, and how he has been help-resistant for years
• I also mentioned my own problems, told him that while I still loved him I knew a relationship was impossible, and that I wanted to be friends but couldn't if he was not able to face his problems eventually
• my carer is a mutual friend/acquaintance of my ex and okay'd my script
• my judgement of time and my abandonment issues are severe and my ex knows this, as well as knowing many people have deserted me due to my illnesses without warning
• my ex didn't answer for days until I had a panic attack the evening after arguing neighbours gave me an emotional flashback and I sent a message asking for permission to talk

Although the 50min video covered a lot of areas to do with him, myself, what had went on, things I thought might help if he looked into them, all the said was:

Okay I watched the video. Have you said everything you need to say for closure? Finding it hard to look at anything in that video as "nice". I've never claimed to be well, it may be more than depression and anxiety, there's a family history of bipolar so maybe that. I'm getting help, or at least waiting in the system until I get help. When we got together I thought I was getting better (wishful thinking) but I had only changed enough of my life to be happier, I should have been getting therapy then but I was telling myself I was getting better. I've been putting it off for years because it scares me, that's kinda obvious though.

[a little bit where he defends himself against a small rumour brought up by an ex who mentioned it out of the blue to me]

I had warned him before watching that it would be blunt but it was intended to be helpful. I never once said it would be nice and I've pointed out that his imposed no-contact with me was not nice either but he felt he needed to do it, just as I felt compelled to do this.

As for the closure bit, I said no because of the trigger and it showing me I was obviously not prepared for him to be out of my life for good, at least not yet. I explained why I felt I needed to do it (the silence causing me to act in uncontrollable manners and irritating everybody around me).

I understand that seeking therapy can be scary, of course, but this is the first time he's pointed it out. He said it should be obvious but the thing is, it won't be to everybody and if I have Aspergers, it might go towards me not having considered that in relation to him. Sometimes you have to tell me something straight and simple because I tend to miss it. I think that may be an empathy issue? Should I get a diagnosis I will be provided with structured therapy and resources for that.

The bipolar... maybe a milder form such as cyclomania would fit. I know people on various parts of the bipolar spectrum. To me, having stayed with him at his house a fair bit, his moods always appeared to be situation-dependent. I'm not a doctor though and hope that he will get answers.



I responded to this with an indepth reply, first making sure to apologise that it had made him feel bad but clarifying that it was unlikely to make him happy and I thought I had explained. I gave some resources, attempted to kindly clarify some points, explained why I had texted, and explained that one of the main issues keeping me from closure was the lack of answers, specifically the ones about how he felt about me.

I told him I would need him to tell me to stay out of his life and that he didn't care, or that he did want to be friends and though not sure of the timescale [fuzzy min and fuzzy max]. To make sure he realised I knew this sounded strange, I attempted to explain that I can't seem to comprehend the vague time phrases people made and that to understand, cope, and close issues I need to investigate them and then file them away. I'm sure this will come up at the autism spectrum assessment.



Anyway, I sent that 24 hours ago and while I know that's no time at all, I have some questions:

• I have tried to do everything my friends and the internet has suggested to take my mind off matters; do you think you have any unconventional advice on how to deal with it?
• I don't know how much is the C-PTSD and how much is the probable Aspergers. Although I suppose it isn't that important, I'm sort of looking for thoughts on that?
• I should expect him not to answer, right?
• How long do you suppose it might take if he is going to, on an uninformed guess?
• Should I be friends with this person?
• I know I have not been decent, pestering him when the C-PTSD panic has taken over; I'm yet to receive therapy though and I'm trying my hardest - am I a bad person?
• With this small amount of information, is he acting normally or is my carer right in that he is beginning to verge towards cruel?
• If he doesn't answer at all, meaning likely that he doesn't care, how stupid would it be to send a text to see if he read the response and why would it be stupid/not stupid?
• How do I get closure if I need answers and he won't give any? I've heard "just stop thinking about it" and "time" as responses already but they don't help me in the here and now.
• Online people said he had merely stated friends so as not to be cruel; people who knew him felt it was unlikely. That was a while ago now though - does it seem that maybe his friends were merely thinking the best of him?
• Why won't he tell me to go away if he doesn't like me?
• I think he might suffer C-PTSD too and the bipolar doesn't immediately sound as if it fits; is there anywhere online I can go to list behaviours and receive a tenuous "maybe it is this"? I wouldn't use it against him or decide it was the truth, but perhaps it could go towards me understanding.
• How long does it tend to take you to get over a bad break up and how do you personally cope? I've only loved two others before this, I'm still not over them, and they were both entirely different situations than this with much more complication. I don't remember what it was like.
• Should he be keeping the diagnoses he knows and the one he was as certain as I was in mind when dealing with me?
• Possible Aspie confusion: he's acting as if he doesn't care or even actively resents me. How could this be if it is not the case?
• What are some precise C-PTSD resources I should be looking at for this situation?

Sorry about the length and the amount of questions; I don't expect people to answer them all. I'm willing to answer anything asked of me. I'm just so confused and feel like I'm a psycho. I don't ever know what is normal to feel, say, think, do.

[Bit of background necessary for question]

This might come out a bit garbled. Really knocked out today, maybe due to meds. Keep passing out. 

Bit of background necessary for question

• I'm in Scotland and seeing an NHS psychologist;
• I have an appointment with her soon but that's just to check up because...
• We can't really start on anything seemingly until I've had my autism spectrum assessment;
• I don't know how that will affect her plans;
• Having shifted psychologists three times now due to reasons, I've only been able to get background out;
• Current said, before possibility of Aspergers, that it should be CBT I do;
• Not knocking CBT, but I hear that the NHS version is not up-to-scratch.
• I don't know how probably being diagnosed with Aspergers will change the plan but I know some form of CBT will be necessary in that regard.

Questions

• Is CBT really enough or should there be a supplementary therapy for C-PTSD?
• If I want another therapy with CBT along with it, how do I ask the psychologist?
• I want to come to terms with what happened, not just live for today and all I've heard of CBT is not for that. How can I achieve this with the psychologist?
• How do I explain the above desire to her?
• There's so much of my memory which is blank and it is beginning to annoy me as there's currently information which would be useful for the assessment: are there no sure ways of coaxing back memories or is it generally believed to be a good idea to leave them alone?
• Does anybody have experience with Scottish NHS's standard CBT? I'm getting mixed responses from friends.
• Though I'm willing to try and see good in certain techniques, I'm still sceptical about it for myself: how badly will this affect the progress and is there any thing I can read which will help?
• After I get however many weeks of CBT from her, in terms of C-PTSD as I don't know about Aspergers, what happens then?
• How much has CBT on its own helped you and what's your opinion of how it is practiced?

[Triggered by shouting adults, crying child, and misophonic-like response to burnt out carer. Vent,]

I'm freaking out. It's so loud it could be in the flat with me:

- That loud woman was shouting and I realised EXACTLY who she sounded like (my abusive mother), so started to feel even more nauseated than I do now;

- Baby or toddler starts crying but not just crying, WAILING;

- Woman starts screaming at somebody to "Get in that room now!" causing emotional flashback and louder than before;

- Thumping, bumping, slamming, so much so that it sounds like that whole floor, other flat included, is in on it;

- Baby's crying becomes far more intense and distraught;

- Possible other, younger female voice arguing, and maybe a male;

- More shouts;

- Baby still crying but now in what sounds like helplessness, that exhausted crying you can't stop.

I call my carer in because I'm severely emotionally triggered and can't think straight. I ask him to knock on their door. He won't. I decide to get out of bed to get dressed but as soon as I lift away the blanket I feel INCREDIBLY unsafe so have to get back under them.

Mental health can't handle this. Tomorrow I'm putting a note through the door. My carer has already organised the rest of the stair to make a joint complaint and phoned the Noise Team.

I can't take these people anymore. Our landlords claim they take a nonsense approach but I don't know how many complaints they have had.

Stressed caregiver's burnout made him snappy with me and when the misophonic feelings started happening I had to cover my ears and he just spoke louder and I had to shout for him to stop which made him storm out the room.

---

This of course set me back and I said "Why, when all of life is attacking me, did my ex have to give up on me? Why didn't he talk to me properly in the relationship? Why didn't he give me a fair chance to improve? I thought I had been doing better today,".

Then floods of tears. How can I properly move on when I have constantly triggering neighbours?

I was coping with my mother's manipulation/sabotage and finding out the truth of her lies and all the medical uncertainty with my ex. If he had said he needed support or space too I WOULD HAVE HELPED. MUTUAL SUPPORT IS WHAT LOVERS DO.

So, having not read a thing about C-PTSD's abandonment fear behaviour, he took my worrying as a terrible omen and decided that he could no longer take me, pulling the entire foundations from out beneath me. Then all the rest of the stressors showing up, then carer saying he's moving out in a year, then more stressors, then silly stuff like the FB shutout my mother likely caused (had to prove my name was real), and my elderly cat yowling all the time. I can't cope. My ex at one point during the breaking up tried to claim he was making me worse; em, no. However, he amended it to say he couldn't cope with both our stuff and then blamed me for his not being able to get on the bus anymore...

I know the depression, I know the anxiety, I know the psoriasis. What else though? What else wasn't he telling me? What else does he not even see or face? Why was I instantly the worst one off, because I expressed it? Why wouldn't he let me HELP him, why did he take me on as a project and not a lover, why did he not allow me to push myself as well to make things work?

[Aspergers]

[A little long... sorry]

Hello. 


I'm a 25 year old genderfluid individual (assigned female at birth). I may also have an autistic spectrum disorder - awaiting the assessment by the specialist team and I am quite sure they will find I have either Aspergers or PDD-NOS. I would say, and have in fact read, that individuals on the spectrum can be more likely to suffer from PTSD and I imagine C-PTSD. The mixing of autistic meltdowns, shutdowns, and burnout with triggered C-PTSD events are... well, they are not pretty. 

In the past I was concerned that I had picked up BPD in the same manner as my abusive mother; although I know many pleasant individuals with that PD who are trying very hard to better themselves, my mother is not one of them.


About 22 days ago my partner of a year broke up with me and I suffered a spiral so severe that it shocked and scared me. I was mortified by some of the words I was saying, by my aggressive reaction (verbal) to my carer when he came to take me home, my refusal to leave unless they called the hospital or police, and then the horrifying realisation that I couldn't move. That's when the autistic-like shutdown occurred and I crumbled in on myself. My partner was still shouting at me at that point, saying that I was acting like my mother.

That last part was extremely hurtful because she is the beginning source to my C-PTSD. She would often threaten violence or death when "telling me off", bit my brother and I if we bit each other, emotionally neglected me, constantly belittled me, trashed my room to make me clean it, and tried to strangle me on at least four or five occasions - if others had not been there she probably would have killed me. A year ago when I was still in contact she put me in a pin-down while we were both drunk at my flat-warming. I was immediately and violently triggered, assuming I was once again fighting for survival. Apparently she calmly told all my shocked friends that she had done this whenever I had a tantrum as a child. Eventually she made it about her, "You hate me? Kill me then!" That would have been difficult as she still hadn't released me; I had resorted to weakly punching her in the head.

The police was called, she was made to leave, and she's been taking any chance to mess with me since then.

I have also been involved in an uncomfortable situation with a statutory rape case (I was the minor), being groomed by a paedophile who was trying to turn me into his side kick, many emotionally neglectful/abusive relationships of all forms, physical violence aimed at me when I was drunk by "friends", many abandonment scenarios, some sexual assault occurrences, and other fairly upsetting events.


Currently life is going down the toilet. My unofficial carer and friend is experiencing carer's burnout and recently explained that within a year he would be moving out of the flat. He'll be nearby and hopes to officialise his carer's status, but it's scary. 

As well as that, we don't know when we'll see the social workers, whether the disability benefits will push me up to the group I should be in (otherwise I could lose money due to government changes), when my autistic spectrum assessment is, when I'll see my psychiatrist for a new med review, and when we will be able to take my senile yowling cat to the vet for advice. Add that to my ex being dishonest about getting back in touch and prolonging the spiral, as well as self-destructive habits which I won't go into and which will be mentioned to my psychologist, and my mother's usual intrusion, and you can maybe see why I'm strung out.


I decided to join the site as I found it while looking for Out of the Fog in order to show my carer and, hopefully if he will listen as I think he is a sufferer too, my ex. It was great to see that there was a sister site with a support forum. I'm not sure what I will find here but I would like to give a bit of input now and then.

My main fear is engaging IN my bad habit of mentally weighing up others issues in my head and feeling as if I don't belong. 


Aside from my issues I like cats, writing, horror, fantasy, science fiction, and table-top gaming. I'm an INFJ and I'm Chaotic Good. ^_^


So, please be gentle.