I'm a new member here. I posted a brief post in the introductions section.
I have no real support system. As I've gone through my healing process, I've had to face truths about how emotionally isolated I have been my whole life. I feel like I have gone through so many varieties of loneliness, each of them just as horrible and internally devastating as the other. I have no intimate connections - no friends, no family, no children and no partner with whom I can be myself, with whom I feel embraced for human being that I am. This hurts me deeply. Because I feel like my whole life I've wanted, no needed, to be seen. And I have been slowly I realising the depth of the wounds I carry from never been seen, never been appreciated or cared for for just as I am. I've identified myself as a freeze/fawn cptsd type, so I survived my traumas from a mix of having to shrink my true self and adopting the roles that were expected of me. My empathetic side was exploited to the advantage of others, without much, if any, empathy returned.
The sense of lonliness I feel drives me into episodes of deep depression and anxiety, making me wonder what might be wrong with me that I have no-one in my life to offer me a hug, or a shoulder to cry on. But I am working on this and trying to be gentle with myself, trying not redirect my pain into feelings of self loathing. This is hard.
I push myself to go to social actiivities that I find online, turning up at events on my own where I don't know anybody. I tell myself if I provide myself opportunities to meet new people through exposure, then eventually I might click with like minded individuals or people who might want to know me. But it's not easy and even when a new connection is made, it seems to be a whole other ball game as to whether that connection will turn into an actual caring and long term friendship.
I think I am quite an introspective and a deeply feeling person, I very much gravitate towards deep and meaningful types of conversations. But often it feels like that's not what others are interested in. I also think that when you've been through trauma and engage in self healing, you become alot more mature and wise in a way compared to the average person who has had a 'good enough' life. This is the case for me and because of this if feels like most new people that I meet are from a different world than me.
Another thing is that most new people I meet have solid support systems, they have family and/or friends who love them, so they're not necessarily looking for more. And most people I meet in my age group especially (mid 30's) are pretty well setup it seems when it comes to social support. Whereas I come from a place of it's just me and my beloved cat. This is another thing that makes me feel very internally alienated when I meet new people, even if I share a positive interaction with them. I can see/feel their sense of calm and contentment due to their social bonds. I know that at the end of the day they go home and will have someone there who cares about them or friends who they'll talk to over the phone. At the end of my day I come home to my cat, who I love more than any other being in this world and am so grateful for (he's saved my life). Though there is something to be said about not having another human bond there for you.
So often I read that trauma and ctpsd healing requires some element of social support, love, and care from people who are your support system. And I feel the gravity of this in my heart. I feel like I know that despite the fact that I have very little in my life right now, if I had just one person, one friend who I knew was there for me, someone who genuinely cared for me who I didn't feel like I have to wear a socially acceptable face with, I would feel better about my life. I would just feel better.
I have read some other posts on this forum where people have expressed having no support system. I would really like to know if anyone relates to some of the feelings I've expressed here. And I would like to know if anyone who has been in a place where they had no loving support has eventually found people (in person) who became that support?
Thank you for reading this.
I have no real support system. As I've gone through my healing process, I've had to face truths about how emotionally isolated I have been my whole life. I feel like I have gone through so many varieties of loneliness, each of them just as horrible and internally devastating as the other. I have no intimate connections - no friends, no family, no children and no partner with whom I can be myself, with whom I feel embraced for human being that I am. This hurts me deeply. Because I feel like my whole life I've wanted, no needed, to be seen. And I have been slowly I realising the depth of the wounds I carry from never been seen, never been appreciated or cared for for just as I am. I've identified myself as a freeze/fawn cptsd type, so I survived my traumas from a mix of having to shrink my true self and adopting the roles that were expected of me. My empathetic side was exploited to the advantage of others, without much, if any, empathy returned.
The sense of lonliness I feel drives me into episodes of deep depression and anxiety, making me wonder what might be wrong with me that I have no-one in my life to offer me a hug, or a shoulder to cry on. But I am working on this and trying to be gentle with myself, trying not redirect my pain into feelings of self loathing. This is hard.
I push myself to go to social actiivities that I find online, turning up at events on my own where I don't know anybody. I tell myself if I provide myself opportunities to meet new people through exposure, then eventually I might click with like minded individuals or people who might want to know me. But it's not easy and even when a new connection is made, it seems to be a whole other ball game as to whether that connection will turn into an actual caring and long term friendship.
I think I am quite an introspective and a deeply feeling person, I very much gravitate towards deep and meaningful types of conversations. But often it feels like that's not what others are interested in. I also think that when you've been through trauma and engage in self healing, you become alot more mature and wise in a way compared to the average person who has had a 'good enough' life. This is the case for me and because of this if feels like most new people that I meet are from a different world than me.
Another thing is that most new people I meet have solid support systems, they have family and/or friends who love them, so they're not necessarily looking for more. And most people I meet in my age group especially (mid 30's) are pretty well setup it seems when it comes to social support. Whereas I come from a place of it's just me and my beloved cat. This is another thing that makes me feel very internally alienated when I meet new people, even if I share a positive interaction with them. I can see/feel their sense of calm and contentment due to their social bonds. I know that at the end of the day they go home and will have someone there who cares about them or friends who they'll talk to over the phone. At the end of my day I come home to my cat, who I love more than any other being in this world and am so grateful for (he's saved my life). Though there is something to be said about not having another human bond there for you.
So often I read that trauma and ctpsd healing requires some element of social support, love, and care from people who are your support system. And I feel the gravity of this in my heart. I feel like I know that despite the fact that I have very little in my life right now, if I had just one person, one friend who I knew was there for me, someone who genuinely cared for me who I didn't feel like I have to wear a socially acceptable face with, I would feel better about my life. I would just feel better.
I have read some other posts on this forum where people have expressed having no support system. I would really like to know if anyone relates to some of the feelings I've expressed here. And I would like to know if anyone who has been in a place where they had no loving support has eventually found people (in person) who became that support?
Thank you for reading this.
