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I joined OOTS about 2 years ago.  Can't remember exactly.  Made a post or two maybe.  But then stepped away.

When I first joined, I was separated from my ex but hoping to reconcile, which didn't happen.  I had also discovered CPTSD around that time.  I am a member of one FB CPTSD group and was pretty active about a year ago, but have stepped away from FB recently.  Too much of an addiction.

I've come back to the OOTS forum because of information I recently discovered about male survivors of childhood sexual abuse and trauma, which is a big source of my CPTSD.  My father's early forms of discipline were sexually traumatizing, and my older brother sexually abused me and my younger brothers.  I was also abused and bullied in one of my jobs adding an adult layer to the childhood CPTSD.

I've been reviewing the 1in6 and Jim Hopper websites, and have downloaded some of their materials.  Used their 24/7 chat, and ordered some recommended material.  Tonight I will try to join one of their weekly group chats.

I also figured that it might help to participate in the OOTS forums more.

I have a PhD in the Social Sciences/Humanities, but failed as a college professor because of all the triggers.  My last teaching job was in 2013.  I've also struggled with other jobs, and now I work just above minimum wage as a driver for non-emergency medical passengers.

My marriage of 28 years came to an end in January 2018, primarily because of my mental illnesses.

I want to get better.  Or at least better enough to find better employment, maybe even college teaching again.  I also want to  marry again, but want to be healthier in order to increase the odds of success and give her a better marriage than I had before.  One that she will deserve.  Whoever she is.

Plus, I am tired.  Very very tired.  I have been trying to hold up a facade, been in hyper vigilance mode, and live among near constant triggers.  I am uncomfortable around men, and dislike most of the traditional male behaviors such as put downs, ultra competitiveness, alpha behavior, etc.  Similarly, the typically masculine work world overwhelms me.

So that's the nutshell re-intro.

As a possible gift to the group, I understand that the word agony comes from a Greek term suggesting "to contend, or go to battle."  Sums up CPTSD for me.  Almost always contending and in some degree of agony.

Tracer

Time for me to step more from the shadows and introduce myself.  A few thanks up front though . . .

-To everyone behind getting something like this going and keeping it going.
-To lovemeinfocus for writing just the right introduction to draw me in.
-And to nickresurrected for being so rigorously honest about his personal self-medication.  Been there.  Done/Do that.  I'm a friend of Patrick (Carnes) too.

I come here via combined childhood and adult traumas.  From childhood:

-Bipolar father . . . Even though he was a complete teetotaler, it was like living with a drunk--never knew what to expect or when to expect it.
-Suffered some pretty intense punishments in childhood, and witnessed the same happen to my sibs.
-Molested.  Sigh . . .

As an adult, I've struggled with having my emotional maturity stuck somewhere in childhood.  I stayed in school and earned a terminal degree partly because the "real" world ate me up and spit me out.  After graduate school I floundered while the depression, ADD, anxiety, and PTSD never seemed to get diagnosed or treated adequately.

Then I passed through some horrific bullying for three years at one university, so I left academe.  But all I have to show now is a trail of three failed jobs over the last seven years.  Now I drive a school bus.  I clear 40 hours/week, but no benefits.

This last August my wife told me to move out and formally filed for divorce on September 5.  Her formal reason was "Irreparable Damage."  Though the periodic pornography binges are part of that, I'm sure the CPTSD and failed jobs and career(s) played a role too.

As I've looked over various descriptions of CPTSD symptoms, a lot of it speaks to me.  The ongoing (cyclic) feelings of incredible shame and worthlessness . . . Always looking and hoping for THE rescuer who will make it better . . . Relationship problems and failures . . . Lacking sense of self.

Concerning the lacking sense of self, I've decided that I don't feel so much like a broken vessel as much as I feel like I never really got to start my vessel.  This helps me understand why I may have been so hesitant to connect with others, and why I've felt like I've been putting on a show nearly all my life . . . Not so much because there is/was something dark inside I've been trying to hide.  Instead there was nothing to show in terms of a sense of self or personal identity.  I was hiding a nothing.  Hiding that I felt like I didn't have anything to show.

Logically I know that no one is a nothing, not even me.  But I don't know how to stop feeling like a nothing, at least long enough to stabilize reasonably as an adult in order to provide for myself well enough, let alone a spouse or family.  Some days/moments I feel like I can do this.  Then almost as quickly it turns south and feel I don't have a snowball's chance.

That seems to cover it, for now.  I do appreciate everyone's kindness and generosity.

Trace (Traces o' life)