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I guess I have an EF, because I feel quite a bit like I did half a year ago.

My workplace gave me some new trauma. They never really dealt with it, and I felt so bad my SI seemed to make sense, to be an option, not just troublesome thoughts. I had never thought that way before, so I was desperate. I therefore told my boss about it, and I also wrote it to HR, because I needed them to see the wrong they were doing. HR interpreted it as me trying to emotionally blackmail them, and met me in a negative way. The HR leader set up a meeting with me. Coming late to our appointed meeting, she made a big point about being delayed because some meetings were more important than others. She hinted that I was just being difficult, and just put pressure on me to stop being difficult. Fortunately, it helped me more to say things out loud than her response hurt me.

Now that I'm slipping (temporarily, I hope), I remember what she said and feel the hurt more. When I'm low, it's so much easier to accept other people's disregard for me, and what she conveyed is that my SI was none of their business, and they didn't care. They would not try to help me by meeting me the way I'd told I wanted to be met, and they were quite happy to push me to see what would happen (though I expect they really wanted to see if I would work constructively or quit, and I guess they didn't quite realize the severity of it). It's really a blow to my sense of safety and worth at the workplace, though.

I just hope that I don't start thinking SI makes sense again, but I somehow recognize the way I felt at that time. Now I feel that just writing this makes it better. I feel touched by me showing care for myself by sharing this. At the same time I feel I'm burdening you, and hope I don't write too much. FYI, I will read about EF management, and I will contact someone if I'd need to.

I had a hard time deciding where to post this, but dissociation is quite prominent for the time, so here goes.

I've been very gradually getting back to work after being sick from a bad boss reviving my problems. Most people have been very warm and treating me with respect after I got back. However, I had a difficult assignment that I got unreasonable criticism for from all decision-making levels (yes, you can question my grasp on reality, but it was too complex for some and I was not allowed to prepare the highest level of decision, which sent them into the trenches). Suddenly people were attacking me, questioning the quality of my work and showing a lack of trust. It felt mildly troublesome, but I kept on going, despite the extra rounds were pretty meaningless. My department leader started avoiding saying hi to me, and continued like that for a couple of months. Things changed when I got a new boss a bit over a month ago. He said the job I'd done in the first hand was good, and didn't understand why thing shad become so troublesome. He talked to the department leader, a colleague who was criticizing me and some others. Things changed, the department leader started saying hi, my colleague treats me with more respect and indirectly apologized for her behaviour. My boss has continued to give me good feedback on every task I do, partly deciding against my colleague's wishes. He even didn't care when I overslept for a seminar for the whole department.

So I've started feeling safe again. Then, increasingly it felt like things were going well at work, but not during my free time. I procrastinated, played games and watched series, and felt bad about myself. In effect, I was doing what I did in my youth, when I was bullied. I tried to escape painful feelings of being hurt, alone and vulnerable, and the general sense of not being worth anything (coming from others behaving badly towards me). So the same is happening now, I often try to actively dissociate feelings. It really makes me feel bad, also because this doing something all the time comes with a feeling I should be doing something useful (to be worth something, for my life to have meaning). And not being able to work much, and wasting my time the rest of the day, I don't feel I'm doing something useful. So I say to myself that I've failed, that I'm failing and that I will fail again, and therefore have no future.

Now I'm fighting to be strong enough to feel the underlying feelings, so I don't reel off painting such a bleak picture of my existence. I try to feel how hurt I've been, and to say to myself that my reactions to what happened are perfectly normal and alright. I try to not go too much into anger (which I think is a secondary feeling, but still ok to feel), because I start thinking of revenge or justification or something, and by conjuring up images of that, I create a more dangerous world for me, which stresses me out and makes me feel worse. I fight to be more open, to show more feelings and trust more in people. I fight to think that people are not out to get me (though it's hard to trust people in general, and especially those that have behaved badly) and I fight to convince myself that others don't just see me as my problems and shortcomings.

I fight to be able to do things that are good for me, like strolling, exercizing, dancing, socializing, read a book, do chores that need to be done - but not least to just sit down and check in with myself. How am I doing, what am I feeling, am I being kind to myself?

I saw a series where a friend forgave someone for what they'd done. It really moved me, and I realize I don't expect anyone to forgive me, like I'm undeserving. Right after that I got this feeling that I just wish someone loved me, and then a desire to give up, which I guess comes from the inner child, feeling abandoned. I don't think I ever felt really loved by my parents, and not much I could do about that. However, I still really  miss that feeling of being loved by someone, someone who really cares and gets me and picks me up when I need it. I guess that's too much to expect from friends, and too much to expect from a girlfriend all the time, but I also have this sense that I'm not requesting a lot. Being loved is quite basic. I feel so let down when I think of my father, who was so distant when I was young, and I feel repulsed by my mother who would try to get her emotional needs fulfilled instead of mine. Well, they got me to try to save their relationship, and it didn't work. I'm a grown man, and I really don't feel like it just now.

Has anyone read about or tried expressive writing (e.g. as advocated by Pennebaker)? Here's a free explanation http://individuationing.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/Expressive-Writing-ebook.pdf

It's been shown to be highly positive for PTSD-sufferers. All it takes is writing a certain way for 20 minutes for 4 days, stating that spending longer on a trauma is not helpful. Does it help equally for CPTSD? In terms of CPTSD, would it make sense to focus on one traumatic period for 4 days, and then repeat the procedure for other traumas later?

I'm working on standing up for myself. Unfortunately even small stands trigger intense feelings of shame. When I feel the shame, it's as if I don't deserve a place in this world, and I become (even more) afraid of anyone around me. The role of the shame is to try to stop me standing up for myself, and it says I can't expect to be treated in a just way and that I have no right to assert my needs or wishes. That feeling makes me feel helpless and hopeless, and I thought of suicide a couple of days ago when I was feeling that way (not going to act on it). I guess I turn aggression towards myself to try to protect others. Not feeling I have a rightful place in the world and being scared, avoiding conflict is also a way to protect myself, as I have a problem believing that people will limit themselves during a conflict.

I think this goes way back to my childhood, with a mother who instead of fulfilling my needs had gaping emotional needs that I had to fulfill and a father who was distant and didn't care much for childish needs. I had to hide my needs and go into more adult roles when interacting with my parents. Anger was a bad thing, crying could be ignored by my father or my mother could start to cry instead etc. In a way, I never felt like I had a rightful place in my family. Later, me not standing up for myself was how people could start bullying me, and of course my unassuming ways were exacerbated when I was subject to bullying, when any display of emotion or need would be turned against me. That extended the "danger zone" from the family to the whole world. Also, it's made me feel more or less like I deserve anything coming my way.

On the other hand, I have a quite developed sense of justice (maybe because of bad treatment), and that makes it easier to keep trying to stand up for myself.

I feel lonely like I've done so many times before. I'm also thinking that the future doesn't hold much good for me.

Partly this is something I really feel - I would wish to have more friends and more of a social life. Partly this is an EF, where my first reaction is to say to myself that I'm not able to do anything substantial to change my situation. On the other hand, I feel like I do small steps, and try to take some bigger too. What triggers me I think is being rejected when I take the initiative. I asked a girl for a date on facebook, and she didn't even reply. I took the initiative to meet some old friends from university, and they've postponed twice now (for good reasons), whereas setting new dates is really slow. I tried calling an old friend of mine a month ago, who's very busy with two small kids, and he hasn't had the time to talk to me yet. Another old friend hasn't contacted me for months, even though he knows I'm having a hard time, and suddenly I saw on facebook that he's moving. Probably this has to do with when I was bullied, and even before that, with a father that was really distanced and often didn't respond to my initiatives. I remember I kind of gave him up when I was 3 y o, and I think that's heartbreakingly early. Those experiences were pretty tough for me, and probably explain part of why I don't see a bright future.

When someone contacts me or takes the initiative to do something, I in a way put a low value on that, saying to myself that it doesn't mean anything or that they might change/turn on me.

When I don't see a good future for myself, and preferably sharing it with someone I love, I give up a bit. Not properly taking care of myself, like not always bothering to brush my teeth, excercise, eat healthy, reach out to people, treating myself kindly etc. Sometimes I've handled this by playing, like I used to handle a tough situation as a teenager. Now I'm handling it more by learning stuff (still in front of my computer), like I used to handle a tough situation in primary school. Also I feel the urge to drink to tackle the situation, like I sometimes did when studying, though now I sometimes take a couple of glasses on my own.

Feeling lonely really sucks. It's just like such a drain on all the positive feelings, and I guess in some ways carpet difficult feelings, letting them build up.

It sounds so strange to call it a flashback, when it feels like it's been there for ages.

My negative feelings intensified when I went back to try working a bit again. A few hours yesterday, the same for tomorrow and Friday. My problem was being in an unresolved conflict with my former boss for 1,5 years (in addition to earlier traumas). I felt really uneasy, tense, useless, worthelss, loveless (I actually dissociate from remembering some of the feelings I had), sad, hurt, afraid of the future - that I may never work or find a girlfriend - and in the moment feeling that it's just too much to deal with. I then chatted with a friend and I calmed down so much, and realisied how badly I was treating myself. Now I'm way calmer, and not on a bad emotional trip. I'm really glad I reached out to her, after first ruling out talking to one frien after the other. I hope I'll be able to control this better.

I'm realising it's perhaps too early to go to work again. That has me wondering how long time it might take. I really don't want to be on a sick leave, but I have to take care of myself too. It's hard to know what's worse - not working for a long time or exposing myself to some stress/triggers. Will discuss working or not with my therapist.

I try to stay alert by busying myself in many ways, consciously and unconsciously.

Today I tried to deliberately walk at a slower than normal pace as I've read it triggers fight/flight++. I sped up uncosciously several times, but forced myself to go slow. Then I felt it, how frightened I was. I could really feel that I'd been speeding up to avoid people and dangerous situations (flight). It was just a very general feeling, like I was afraid of everyone and anything could happen. It felt really vulnerable and sad.

When I got home, I could still feel that I was afraid just being at home, even though I was alone. It's a terrible thing. And it says so much about how bad some things in my life have been, to make me feel like that.

It's progress, and something I can grieve, but it sure is hard to discover some of these things.

The first time I remember my mother talking about ending her life, I was 3-4 y.o. She did it in front of the family, and while I can understand my older brother saying nothing, I don't understand why my father said nothing. I ended up comforting my mother. This pattern has in many ways continued. When I try to set some boundaries, she will try to push me emotionally, and she will always end up crying and I worrying about her well-being. After I became an adult my father told me that my mother tried to commit suicide once, before they had kids. I don't think this is a well thought out scheme of hers, but she applies it and I think she truly feels bad. Somehow, I think she blames others 100 % for how they make her feel.

A week ago, after chatting ont he phone for a little while, my mother asked how I'm doing, and I said I didn't want to talk about it (like, just that day). She starts crying, saying she's my mother, implying I should tell her everything, and how hard it is for her while her voice breaks. It's amazing that she doesn't allow me to set boundaries. Still, I didn't want to talk. So we hang up. I messaged her that I don't say it to make her sad, and she thanked me. Today I sent her a message, which she hasn't replied to, which I can only interpret as her having another emotional breakdown. In a little while, we're off to eat dinner at a restaurant, my stepfather's joining as well. So, I'm basically preparing to stand my ground again, as she's never really respected my boundaries.

This whole thing brings up a lot of feelings. I'm activated - being unfocused and having too much negative feelings that I'm able to handle them well. Today, I sometimes feel sick to my stomach, perhaps from worry and the daunting responsibility I feel. I have the urge to drink, to self-medicate my feelings, but also in a way do me harm. Which brings me over to the fact that I'm angry at her (which I mostly feel in my jaw) for leaving no space for me.

On a meta level, I think I'm handling these feelings better than I've often done. At the same time, the strength of my feelings tell me that this is a theme that's more important than I've allowed myself to realise before - partly blaming it on other traumatic events. I think it's a good thing to stand up for myself, but still, the thought of my mother spinning out of control and into suicide ideation or action is a terrible prospect. I have a hard time showing myself compassion in this mode, probably because of the possible consequences.

I've been procrastinating most of the time, latey. Playing games on my smartphone, watching series on Netflix and eating chocolate. It feels really unfulfilling, even while doing it. I do it in order to distance myself from my feelings, and not have to make hard decisions. I still see friends and do stuff in between, but it feels quite * to be regulating my feelings with some kind of addiction. I really feel I'm regulating my feelings because I'm not able to do it well by myself, and that's a big disappointment for me. The addiction part of it sort of makes me despise myself, and brings me down. I do it partly to stay alert, indirectly telling myself the world's a dangerous place, partly denying myself to wind down and just be. I would really like to feel some more self love and understanding now.

I dissociate feelings, being in my head, as I think of it. I forget stuff big and small. Somehow I don't feel like a have a sense of self - like who am I? Where others have constructed an identitiy/story about themselves, I seem to shy away from that. I think it's both because showing emotions and asserting myself could cause my mother to descend into crying and threatening to end her life and because I was bullied, and showing emotions or asserting myself would lead to bullying episodes. In both cases it was too dangerous to just be me.

I have several hobbies, but I don't like make a story out of it, and say this is who I am. I am very relativistic about other people's behaviour - rarely judging something as bad or good. I forget stuff I've done, sometimes I can remember it if I'm talking to friends, but it almost never just pops up, so that I can mention it. I have a hard time introducing topics in conversations, and I guess I think my interests aren't interesting to others. I forget stuff other people have said or done, so it's hard for me to pick up on that in a later conversation. Often, either I'm alone, being with people I know or especially approaching people I don't know, my head just feels blank - there are no thoughts I can pick up, other than me feeling my head is empty and feeling stressed.

In a way, it's hard for me to say if all this is dissociation - clearly some of it is - or I'm being overly cautious in contact with others. I'm guessing feeling "blank" is not normal, if people say they're thinking of nothing, I imagine their thoughts drift. Also, it's hard for me to know what is my personality, and what are my issues. What I'm wondering, is it common to dissociate so much that you lose the sense of who you are?

When I consider my life, I usually think of it in terms of fighting (survivor seems an apt description) and I grieve over how things have been and could have been.

My father was distant and seemed disinterested. My mother dominated the scene with breakdowns and looming breakdowns. When I was 3 or 4 y o, I remember the first time she threatened to end her life (while my father looking away). I stepped in to comfort her and talk her out of it, and have in many wayas remained in the role of a diplomat/caregiver. My mother's disregard to boundaries has been detrimental in preparing me for life. The lack of room for expressing my feelings and being myself in the family has been detrimental in so many ways. I felt alone, scared and trapped, with feelings of low self worth. I still feel that more or less.

I was bullied last year in primary school and in middle school. It felt like the world was ripped away from underneath me, seeing what mean things friends/others could do. My feelings of loneliness, fright and being trapped increased. I was angry, but had no way of venting, and turned it against myself. I started having thoughts of suicide, thinking that noone cares, except my mother. The looming of her committing suicide probably kept me from trying. The whole thing felt unjust and inexplicable, but I started "accepting" it and after a while I was thinking the same about me as the bullies expressed. This of course deteriorated my feeling of self worth. My look on the future was that it held nothing good for me. The one thing I had left was performing excellently at school.

Fortunately I got some friends at middle school. I trod very carefully in the world, and tried all I could not to find myself all alone and at the bottom of the pecking order, succeeding quite well.

In the army I was injured, and couldn't participate fully, which led to people starting to bully me again. This of course triggered quite a bit, and in addition, I was far from friends or any support.

During my studies I was hypersocial, well-liked, high performing, and the few I tried telling about my problems to would get angry and tell me I had no problems. I realized that my heightened stress was detrimental to me, so started in therapy, and improved a little.

I went to study abroad for a year, which triggered a lot from the period I was bullied. I became burnt-out, and couldn't study or work for 4 years. This impacted heavily on me, losing friends, feeling I wasn't myself and not getting adequate help in therapy or from my family. I slowly managed to get better, and in the end managed to secure some small assignments, and my way into work-life began.

I managed to work, even though cognitive abilities, concentration and memory was much reduced. I was so happy I was able to work, because I could now start believing in a normal life with a girlfriend etc (though I had my EFs doubting that notion). I was doing ok at work, but we got a new boss, who was most keen on being friends with the "popular crowd". Two co-workers took advantage of that, one being the lead, and started bullying me, probably because they thought their work was more important and wanted to cut resources to my work. I became a bit dispondent, but fortunately, one day the lead bully went too far, so that I could complain internally of bullying. It wasn't a satisfying process, but the bullying stopped and I got real support from my union, which felt great. I managed to cope ok.

The business I worked in was taken over by another one, and a lot of people didn't think too highly of us. That, I'm afraid, included my former boss. He would undermine me in internal and external meetings. He would say no to my suggestions, but if I made others propose them a week later, he would say yes. It was his first job as a boss, and he was inexperienced. He seems to have amassed a lot of grievances towards me, and when we had the yearly talk about performance, work environment etc, he spent 95 % of the time complaining what a bad job I did. Most of it was really distorted, giving me responsibility for trouble he had caused, some of it was untrue and some of it was petty and irrelevant. I don't know whether it was blame-game, if he needed to vent or whether he actually thought this was a way to coach me into a better path. I had to involve the union several times, and didn't feel that helped too mcuh. I talked to the head of HR, who seemed to be enjoying his power throughout the meeting, and ending with the sentence "the boss decides", despite it being a gross deviation from the leadership philosophy in the business. I just felt completely alone and working at my boss' will and whims. After one and a half years of being afraid of being bullied/fired/frozen out, my boss told us he would quit, andI could finally relax. Then I again felt the post-traumatic reactions. Now I've been on a sick leave for 2,5 months, and will probably be so a month or two longer. I'm not at all worried that I won't be able to deal with work again, though several times I've been pondering whether working in an organisation is right for me.

Now I'm doing things that are good for me - therapy, meeting friends, doing stuff I like, exercising, being out in nature, had confrontational meetings with my former boss and the boss over him. I feel that things are going in the right direction. Though still I escape quite a lot from my feelings with playing games on my smartphone, watching series, not contacting people. Also I'm thinking things won't get better, feeling I'm not worth anything, wanting to give up. Anyways, still a survivor 

I feel my therapist understands me, but hardly anyone else. Anyone recognise themselves in anything?

First, I'm not suicidal, even during suicidal ideation.

Sometimes I get to a place where I tell myself suicide is a solution, or worse for me, images of committing suicide appear. These images have a strong effect on me because they are so immediate, and somehow harder to rationalise. The images change how I feel immediately, and it's quite unravelling. Does anyone else have experience with images of suicide, and how do you relate to them?

Now that I allow myself to think about it, I guess I could try to envisage me in the same context as the images, but with a happy ending instead, like being with supportive friends, having a good time. Any other input on how to deal with it is still appreciated