Found this group about two hours ago and spent time reading thru some of the posts. Not all of them, but some. I wanted to type "me too!!! Me too!!" on every post. I am, in this moment, profoundly grateful that I found all of you and I am filled with love for a group of people I do not know at all but I feel I genuinely understand. I get it. I understand you. I understand your language. I know how you feel. And what a pain it all is.
This is damn big deal for me because I have felt morbidly alone for decades, like I don't belong to anyone or anywhere. In addition, I am not much of a "joiner". I don't like joining groups. I am an introvert and I an avid loner and I am not very comfortable in social settings. But this is the first move to break that silly habit. I know it's only been two hours, 2.5 now, but in one instant, I finally feel I am not alone. I am not the only one.
After 39 years of living and 1 year of realizing "oh..that's what I have!!" and feeling "that makes sense... finally!!", I could not figure out why I would not and did not and I am still resistant seek help (therapy, counseling etc.,). I spent my lifetime furiously avoiding being around people that are open and honest about this experience and seeking/wanting/begging to receive understanding or to be feel understood by people that truly don't care about me. I couldn't figure out why I was doing it for a while. Truth is, for more than 3 decades and including many times now, I find it very difficult to put my thoughts and feelings into words. And I have always been afraid that if I met someone that will understand it, then I will have to admit the truth of what happened. I have always felt I am not enough or good enough or I don't belong anywhere and don't deserve much in life, and seeking help or being around people that are more likely to provide support was part of it. I want it. But I don't want it and I couldn't make up my mind about it.
Reading some of the posts here has given words to the way I feel. So. I just wanted to say Thank You.
Though this is an anonymous forum, I already feel like I went on the stage and gave a presentation. I need time to get used to talking to people with similar experiences of life. For now, Hello and I am glad to be here.
This is damn big deal for me because I have felt morbidly alone for decades, like I don't belong to anyone or anywhere. In addition, I am not much of a "joiner". I don't like joining groups. I am an introvert and I an avid loner and I am not very comfortable in social settings. But this is the first move to break that silly habit. I know it's only been two hours, 2.5 now, but in one instant, I finally feel I am not alone. I am not the only one.
After 39 years of living and 1 year of realizing "oh..that's what I have!!" and feeling "that makes sense... finally!!", I could not figure out why I would not and did not and I am still resistant seek help (therapy, counseling etc.,). I spent my lifetime furiously avoiding being around people that are open and honest about this experience and seeking/wanting/begging to receive understanding or to be feel understood by people that truly don't care about me. I couldn't figure out why I was doing it for a while. Truth is, for more than 3 decades and including many times now, I find it very difficult to put my thoughts and feelings into words. And I have always been afraid that if I met someone that will understand it, then I will have to admit the truth of what happened. I have always felt I am not enough or good enough or I don't belong anywhere and don't deserve much in life, and seeking help or being around people that are more likely to provide support was part of it. I want it. But I don't want it and I couldn't make up my mind about it.
Reading some of the posts here has given words to the way I feel. So. I just wanted to say Thank You.
Though this is an anonymous forum, I already feel like I went on the stage and gave a presentation. I need time to get used to talking to people with similar experiences of life. For now, Hello and I am glad to be here.