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Can anyone relate to making themselves sick intentionally? ? I do it everyday just through overdosing on caffeine.  I had anorexia from age 12 to about 20, then severe bulimia where I abused huge amounts of laxatives and threw up numerous times a day. I finally recovered from all that at age 25. During the bulimic years I developed a sensitivity to caffeine.  Most likely because that about all I ever allowed to stay in my body.

     I know that if I have more than one cup of coffee, I will get dizzy, very foggy, have trouble concentrating, have digestive problems a lot, have to urinate every 10 minutes and ultimately sit around in a stupor where I feel disconnected from everything.

      This happens every time I quit drinking alcohol.  It's like the addiction under that addiction.  And in the past I feel so awful I start drinking alcohol again.

      I just prayed about it, asking God to please reveal the answer to help me. And screams came out of me, the same screams that seem to be connected to childhood abuse.

     I'm on a waiting list to see a trauma therapist.  Should be a few weeks from now. I was diagnosed with C- PTSD with dissociation in January at a rehab, where I started work with a trauma therapist. 

     Anyway I feel like I'm hurting myself with caffeine as a way to stay disconnected and possibly acting out the scenario of my young life where I was being abused and traumatized while my parents allowed it and were fine with the things that happened to me. Especially my mother seemed to enjoy my abuse, even though I know now that she had some sort of mental illness.  I don't think she knew right from wrong in some things. And my Dad just let her have her way.

Anyway I seem to have internalized the abuser. I feel like I'm hurting myself because I'm so used to it, it seems normal. 

This is my first post. I have 4 and a half months sober from alcohol.  This is usually my breaking point where I go back to drinking,  but hanging on with everything I'v got.

    I recently went to a treatment facility that diagnosed me with C-PTSD with dissociation.  Anyway I thought I had DID and PTSD so maybe I have a bit more understanding now.

     The abuse I endured growing up was mostly through my mother, although my father went along with some of the worst of it.

     At age 6 I was initiated into Eckancar,  which proved to have a very negative effect on me way into adulthood. I'v had a lot of healing in that area. I'm 52 and have been actively seeking healing for 30 years.

      My mother's mother was raised in a Catholic convent from age 9 to around 17 after her mother died. My mother was raised in a bizarre mixture of religious purity, and physical and sexual abuse.

      My mom raised me in a bizzare mixture of strict brainwashing religious indoctrination in which she had control over me and my personality.  She also allowed sexual abuse in my chilhood.
There were a lot of strange twists to her insane logic. I didn't realize she was in fact mentally ill until I was an adult. She passed away when I was 21.

     Anyway I'm on a waiting list for trauma therapy.  I started trauma therapy in rehab 4 months ago and for the first time in my life connected to my younger self really.  I wish I could feel happy sober, but I feel lost, depressed, alone and lethargic.  Hoping I can stay sober and truly find some healing for my heart.  Hoping it helps to be in this support online, as all the groups I go to like AA and Celebrate Recovery,  I can not make attachments.  I feel very disconnected and unable to be vulnerable and after 30 years of trying to be open and vulnerable in groups like that, I give up! It's exausting.