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I don't think I'm a type A (though I know I should probably be the last to diagnose myself.) I don't have to have control of everything around me, I don't have to have the best job, house, car etc. but the things I do value (i.e. being effective in my job, volunteer work, friend and relationships etc) I find I leave no room for error. The small thing that set me off today was that I was tutoring a student (privately for $) and due to the short notice, did not prepare as well as I should have, and made an error in instructing a calculation on one of her homework problems. I caught it (after she went to class), emailed/apologized, and gave the correct info, but as I wait to hear back I find myself getting really worked up. She paid me for services and I failed her. And there goes the critic right?

I know, no one is perfect, we all make mistakes, I should learn to be centered enough that I can accept this and not need a "you're forgiven" email to let it go.

What I find even more disturbing/disappointing about myself though is that, it's not so much the fear of error, but the fear of getting caught making a mistake that scares me. Today I'm bound to be caught (she'll get the homework problem wrong)  so I know that's not applicable in this situation, but I thought it something worth including. For example, if she figured out the right answer, I would not admit my error and would not be worried at all, because she would not even know that I screwed up.

It's a trivial example, but that's part of the problem because little things happen all the time. Perhaps I just need to become better at keeping things in perspective?

Any thoughts/feedback/suggested reading (or even knowing I'm not alone/crazy) would be incredibly helpful. As always, I appreciate this forum and just having the space to share these things. Thank you.

I'll keep it short, because I really cannot explain this. I've been very lucky to have a wonderful, kind, supportive friend for about 11 years now. I've known he's loved me for years, and I can honestly say I love him, but until very recently the thought of a romantic relationship with him was too overwhelming.
We've talked, and have just started dating (at my prompting) but I cannot shake this horrible fear and guilt, and I cannot even name it. I know all my past relationships have been dysfunctional and/or abusive, and that abuse and dysfunction are the types of relationships in which I'm most comfortable.
He so kind and patient and considerate, and it scares me sooo much, and I cannot even begin to say why. Our friends are all thrilled for us, the common response is "finally!"
I guess I'm just feeling really stuck and confused because I know I should just be excited and happy about this, and there are times in which I am that, excited, grateful, happy, in love... but I'm still beating back this illogical panic.
Any thoughts or suggestions would be incredibly welcome.
Thank you all

Hi,

I'm still in the process of understanding all of the facets that make up C-PTSD, so please bear with me as I'm not sure if I completely understand what is meant by "inner child," or of my history on a whole.

I have a post in what I now realize was the wrong thread -a question of C-PTSD being a "generation removed." In short, the abuse in my father's family is obvious to me, but mine, not so much. But even reading the first post in this thread helped clarify something: when I talked about the abuse being a "generation removed" I commented that my father never hit me. The fact of the matter is that I did often receive spankings for being "sneaky bad" (which I guess is way worse than being just old plain "obvious bad" ??) until I was about 6. For almost 2 years I felt very uncomfortable about the spankings, not so much because it hurt, but because it occurred to me that my father was touching my butt. After reading some of the information, which included spanking as damaging -not even necessarily as a message that I did something bad, or that it hurt physically- but to focus on the humiliation behind it, something really resonated.

That said, I'm starting to finally begin to understand things, and view everyday interactions differently than I have in the past. While I trust this is helpful on the whole, and will benefit me in the long run, I'm currently finding it more difficult to visit my parents (they're about 2 hours away, so I'll spend the night 1-2X/mo.) I think it's because not only do I start to feel like I back track on progress I've made connecting with my inner child, but also bc it's harder just to be with them. I'm seeing the microaggressions more clearly now. For example, when I first got to my folks' Friday (for my dad's bday) he "complimented" me (and I'm ashamed that I still find myself feeling proud and grateful for the "positive" feedback.) Joking around about shared genes my father pointed to his head and said "well and these are something else you get from me" right in front of my mother. I couldn't help but feel proud that my father, despite all our differences, and my fears that he views me as a failure, that he really thinks that I'm smart. However, I can now see it as him not only him viewing me as an extension of himself, but also cruel to my mother, who I think is so compassionate and intelligent in her own right. She either didn't note the insult, or chose to ignore it, I can't say for sure. But this is how our family interacts.

So I feel like, just being able to say "despite all our differences" is proof, to me anyway, that I've been making progress this past year and a half towards connecting with my "inner child." But whenever I return to my childhood home and spend time with my parents, I feel like I slide right back into old habits. While I'm able to still silently hold my viewpoints, it's hard. I find myself tempted to give in and just fall back into that "you're right dad" mentality, because with a few exceptions,  I'm far too afraid to voice my own opinions aloud. (Maybe afraid is the wrong word. I just know that last time I spoke up I got a 45 minute phone call the next week, during which I talked less than 10 min. He first told me what my opinion should be, and ended the call stating that we now agreed)

I guess what I'm asking is, does anyone have any ideas how to stay connected with that "core" self, especially when seeing those people, or returning to those places that are difficult/connected with childhood?

I know I'm new, and feel presumptuous for posting yet again, but there's something that has really bothered me since I've recently starting considering some of the issues that have come up in childhood. In short, my father's father was a short tempered alcoholic, and his mother, while I am in no position to diagnose, seemed to me, growing up, to have some serious bouts of depression, general anxiety, and I've witnessed more than a few interactions which I can now recognize as passive aggressive (and would often start some very tense fights between my paternal grandparents.)

I say this because, I don't consider my father an alcoholic, nor my mother to have any mental health issues (though she does often apologize for things that are not her fault.) She is incredibly kind and caring, and I know my father has always loved me to the best of his ability. He had (has) a temper, but never hit any of us. There are things I've begun discussing in therapy that I can say are "messed up" (i.e. double standards, pointing my "failings" out in comparisons with siblings, never feeling "good enough" to receive his approval) but I still hesitate to consider any of it "abuse."

I recognized at a young age that my father treated my mother as if she were also his daughter (she was not "allowed" to do many things) but I know this was out of his own fear for her and anxiety that he would not be there to protect her. Likewise, I was very (very) sheltered. I share all this because, while I could easily see this being a site possibly being appropriate for my father (most definitely for his younger sister) I feel as though there is something wrong with me for having reacted to my experiences as I have. I've found myself relating to many of the symptoms of CPTSD, but not feeling as though I've been "wronged" in such a fashion to justify my response. (I'm sorry if I'm not being clear, but I'm not sure how else to word it.) In short, I feel as if I'm a generation removed from the actual abuse, and the subtle (though very consistent) criticisms I've received, well, I guess I feel like a whiny wimp for being so affected by it.

Does anyone know if there's been an research about the grandchildren of abusive parents? If the effects of that dysfunction could carry beyond a generation, even if the adult child (my father in this case) seems to have broken free or overcome some of those struggles? Do I even belong on this site?

Hi everyone,

This is my first post, and first want to express my gratitude to those that have developed this site (discovered it via a good friend a few days ago and have already found it incredibly helpful.) I also really appreciate all of you for, yes, reading my post, but more importantly, just being here. To find a site in which so information resonates and to find a sense of community in this forum, to know I'm not alone, is incredibly comforting (though I do also feel badly so many others have to struggle with CPTSD. Really, it's a burden I sincerely wish was not so prevalent -or better yet, in existence at all.)

I was originally going to post this in the "EF" forum, but as I'm not sure if this is an emotional flashback, I thought this forum might be more appropriate. I'll keep it brief. I've had issues with insomnia as long as I can remember. I started taking sleep meds when I was 20 and, with the exception of the few years I spent in an abusive marriage, they have for the most part been effective. However, I do go through stretches in which I often wake up feeling absolutely panicked and ashamed in the morning. Sometimes I can remember the  awkward nightmare that put me in this mental state, other mornings I just know I wake up with guilt and dread. Most mornings I can shake the feeling within an hour or two, but some days it drags into the afternoon/evening hours.

I was wondering if this is anything anyone else has experienced this, or had any suggestions in how to manage (or even perhaps overcome??) this issue. Would this be considered an emotional flashback? Does the label matter?

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. Any feedback would be most appreciated.