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[it's on my end]

I'll start by saying that my husband is a god-send and we have a very strong, loving, and honest relationship. He's lovely to me and is very patient and understanding. He knows what I struggle with and about my past so he "knows" how I work/operate. There is only one major issue I'm having and it's on my end. I have no idea how to fix it but I know I need to do something about it because I can't imagine him having to deal with this for the rest of his life. I know he would do but, I love him and don't want him to have to live with it. And honestly? I'm tired of dealing with it too.

I have a very strong and overreactive flight response in any type of disagreement or argument. There is not an ounce of fight in me. He is NOT abusive nor do we ever have full out shouting matches or anything of the sort. There is absolutely NO reason for me to be having such an extreme reaction when we argue but, C-PTSD is unfair to me in this regard.

The issue is that if I even sense a change in his speech or his body language I get this jolt of adrenaline through my body, I freeze, and automatically my inner voice starts yelling "oh no, it's happening! no turning back now! you've really outdone yourself this time, you idiot! you've pissed him off! you *'ed up!" and I start crying and apologising for things I've not even done and I feel like I can't breathe. Its sends me in to a fear induced panic that he'll either A) attack me (thanks dad) or B) he'll abandon me (thanks mom) and I just dissolve. I don't know how to stop this from happening. He'll eventually come hold me while I calm down (I hyperventilate pretty severely) and eventually I find myself trying to dissociate. The emotional overload is too much for me.

I honestly wish I could just bicker back like a normal person in a normal relationship would do and then just LET IT GO afterwards instead of thinking about it over and over and over again and picking it apart trying to find where I went wrong and what I could have done differently and blaming myself for things I've not even done. The fear of upsetting him or making him angry sends me in to this spiral downward.

I've gotten a bit better with age. Sometimes I can stop it in the beginning and realise that this is a small thing and if I let it go, it will blow over within the next 20 minutes. But that tends only to happen when I've been having a particularly "stable" time lately . If I'm in a fragile state or stressed out (i'm stressed out a lot)  it's nearly impossible to stop this from happening.

Help?
I'd love to start therapy again but I moved to England to be with my husband about 6 months ago and I'm waiting on biometrics so that I can get on NHS here. Until then, I'm on my own with this. Thanks!

Hello!

Here's a bit of background on me and how I got here. I'm hoping I to find some people to talk to about possible similarities as I feel alone most days when it comes to my life experiences.

I grew up with a BPD (borderline personality disorder) mother and a narcissistic father.

My father was the only "stable" presence in my life but was very critical and explosive with his temper, impossible to please, impatient, demanding, rude, controlling, and downright mean. Though he did show short flashes of compassion and love, that almost made it worse because I knew he COULD give it, he just chose not unless it suited his needs.

My mother was in and out of mental hospitals my entire life. I was always the "bad child" who she blamed for ruining our family. She could be raging, psychopathic, verbally and physically abusive, and plain evil during her lows or she could be suicidal, self loathing, and a hypochondriac ("I'm ill and dying, take care of your mother") depending on what triggered her. During her highs she was flighty, irresponsible, childlike, and borderline sexually inappropriate and embarrassing. I never knew what to expect from her except for emotional distance and abuse either outright and straightforward or passively. On the best days, I was simply ignored.

At age 14 I was sexually assaulted by a "stranger" and shortly after that my younger brother developed a serious heart condition that nearly killed him. I watched him slowly deteriorate and my parents put the brunt of care on my shoulders - my father was too busy working and my mother was unstable. My brother is now 24 and waiting on a heart for a transplant.

I'm not sure what did me in, a combination of everything I suppose, but I've been diagnosed with C-PTSD. I understand my condition and I am functioning, self aware, and very in tune with my feelings and the root of them. However, I struggle on a daily basis with the symptoms and, most of all, I struggle expressing my stronger emotions when they bubble up every now and again.

I'm hoping to find an outlet for these feelings and to talk to people who might understand. I think it helps to relate to others. And to help others if I can.