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My mother is old, sick, I went no contact two years ago and at 61 years old I still fear her in my mind.  I never had a mother that could love, she just caused every kind of emotional and physical pain possible.  My mother was a narcissist. She made everyone on the outside think we had a perfect family but behind closed doors it was a living * for 18 years. When my therapist asked me what closure would look like with her I still can't answer.  AA tells me I have to forgive.  Forgive a monster? The best I can do is try to realize she's a real sick woman and leave it at that. She gave birth to me but was never a mother.  Oh yes my mother was a therapist and my father a psychiatric nurse.  Big head games going on all the time keeping me and my two brothers and one sister from ever being really close. For two years now I'm learning to deal with pain without drugs or any other addictive thing.  As for me the only women in my life are my two girls (grown women) and they are not that close and live in another state. I don't trust women although I'd give my life up for my girls. I guess I just typed this out tonight to get somethings out of me.

22 months ago at 59 I went into a drug rehab for 90 days.  It was a good place and a doc diagnosed me with PTSD and anxiety. I was also the first time I told others what happened to me as a child.  I've struggled with living all my life. I'm lucky that my two daughters are doing well although one of them struggle with an amune disease. I've heard the words Borderline Personality and PTSD before but never the term complex PTSD which is more like me.  I started with a new therapist last week which was mainly a lot of questions and answers. The one thing I told him I don't want my life to end feeling my life really didn't mean much.  He says he wants to use cognitive therapy. Don't know what else to type but hello.