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Hello,

I need to hear some opinion on this, so I decided to write here. Is there an optimal time for starting therapy?

I was thinking about seeking help after I move out, but cognitive dissonance is wearing me down. On the one hand, I am constantly thinking -mostly in the form of intrusive daydreams- about leaving/going NC etc. On the other hand, I believe I am making it up/overreacting etc.  So, I can't think thoroughly enough to make a solid plan when this is happening on a daily basis.

I know this is also a symptom of N abuse. I read the symptoms of Cptsd,  codependency, N abuse, and I show all of them including this and My M shows almost all traits of NPD.

My concern is if I start therapy and in case it works for me, I will be dealing with a lot of repressed feelings. I dont know if I can handle it while still living with my FOO. Also, I am not sure how I am gonna do the actual moving-out when I go in-between there is abuse/there is no abuse and both of them feels real.

I hope what I am saying is making sense.

Thanks.

-Possible triggers-

I don't know what I can talk with you. As everytime I try to open myself to you -and you insisted so much- you manage to shut me up in your own subtle ways so that we can talk about you. You always had a better story than mine. You had already gone through the same things but in a better way. When I talked about how I couldn't make friends at school, you told me how social you were as a child. When I try to talk you about dad, you told me how you got sick after your father died. I guess it was because you were more sensitive than me.  When I told you I had no memories, you always told me your own memories especially the ones with dad. Why were you so competitive with me? It felt as if I was only there to help you feel better about yourself. You vent on me and told me how much you loved me and so glad that you gave birth to me because if you weren't, you would be so lonely and bored.

I did not even realize what you did to me. I loved and cared about you so much when I was a child. I remember thinking about how to make you happy. I would buy you a house. I would buy you nice clothes. I would make you laugh. I would find you new hobbies so you would not be unhappy anymore.

I always felt sorry for you because you made me. Everybody was mean to you. Your sister, your mother, your brother, my sisters, my father, the neighbors. You were the one who was always used because you were so naive and gullible. I was angry towards my sisters because they were making you sad and when I try to help you, you told me to get out. You made me feel small and incapable and left me in agony. Indeed I was too small to deal with your continuous drama.

You yelled at me for ridiculous reasons. I closed the kitchen cupboard a little bit harsh. You yelled at me. I burnt my self a little with hot water. You yelled at me. I tried to be close to you because you quarreled with your brother and you were sad. You yelled at me again. However, you were the angel-like mother. You were overly anxious about me getting sick. You were so self-sacrificing towards anyone to the point that you looked naive and you were also a hypocrite who said really mean things behind those people's backs and you behaved as if they are your best friend when they are around.

And you always said "I love you", "You are my heart", "my sweetheart"... Thanks for making me so anxious about loving/being loved by somebody. Thanks for making me feel worthless and invisible. Thanks for the continuous self-doubt.

You are right about me being cold. I have trust issues and I push loving and caring people away. Then I keep dreaming about intimacy and love so that I won't feel dead inside.

Even when I am writing this I think about the possibility that I am telling lies, I am making up a story so that people can show me sympathy. This type of thought drives me insane.

***POSSIBLE TRIGGERS ***
Hello,
Well, this is my first attempt to keep an online journal.  I hope it turns out better than some parts of me expected. Even right now I have that non-stop critic and perfectionist that constantly try to guess other people's opinion of me  (which are either too nice or too humiliating) and make me read the sentences over and over again and telling me I have too much flaws to be a perfectionist and my writing will probably be full of mistakes and unworthy of reading.
However, I'll keep on because I know that I am entitled to share my experience, feelings, opinions, etc. because I am a human being. It is sad that it took me so long to realize that I am only human and talking about myself is pretty, pretty and pretty normal and nothing to be ashamed of and I like making mistakes because it is a great way to learn if you realize them.
Okay, I feel better now. To be your own mother is great  .
I wanted to write about this feeling I had these days. I feel as if I abandoned myself. I think I still spend too much time to keep imaginary perfect me (or just real me?) alive inside. It is like my whole dreams and the shiny, talkative, happy, funny me living in a very, very distant land inside me and on the outside I have that frozen, reckless, "I don't care about anything" me.  However, I actually do care too much and I am not in a very nice phase of my life (in terms of financial independence and a lot of stuff).
I feel like I am waiting for some magical power to come and do everything for me. I keep reminding myself it is time to realize you are an adult but I still depend on my childhood coping mechanisms, too much. I  feel shattered and away from myself and frozen and it is scary. It just seems too hard at times and I just want to give up, but I can't because I promised myself that I am going to try. 
I think I just need to accept the fact that recovery is really a slow process. I need to be patient and do my best to be real me because I don't want to feel like a frozen clone of me, anymore.