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For the past two weeks or so I've felt constantly on the verge of a panic attack and it's got to the point where I'm missing entire weeks of college. I don't know how to get myself out of this, all the solutions I have just seem to work in the short term and the next day I'll be back to being scared and withdrawn and shaky.
The only thing I can think that triggered this episode was a fight with my mum which we resolved two weeks ago (arguments, especially where I feel dismissed are bad triggers for me). I also had a very rough breakup of a friendship last year and said friend, despite not speaking to me for a year, gave me an amazing illustration for my birthday.
Other than those two things though, nothing else major has happened which could cause or sustain this episode, I just don't know how to feel able to cope with things. I feel stuck and lost.

[Just because someone else has it worse doesn't mean you're not allowed to hurt.]

After making my first post here and being welcomed by many lovely people, I remembered something important which I've been working on accepting for the past 5/6 years of my recovery.

Just because someone else has it worse doesn't mean you're not allowed to hurt.

For years I've struggleed to accept (and still am) that what I experienced wasn't bad enough; my parents didn't mean to hurt me and were generally very supportive and it's hard for me to understand that while also acknowledging that things they did or said hurt me deeply, regardless of good intentions.

Even if you think your trauma wasn't "that bad," if it affects you badly then it's totally "bad enough." Does that make sense?

I'm 18 years old and I've had a bunch of "traumatic" things happen throughout my childhood but I can't figure out if any of it was bad enough to cause CPTSD or if I'm just overthinking and making it seem worse than it is...
I was born 3 months premature and spent a long time in ICU having loads of invasive medical treatments (this is all what my mom told me, I don't actively remember it). From what I've been told of my hospital experience it was definitely traumatic but since I don't remember it it can't be that bad right...?
Something I do remember was being incredibly clingy as a child. Like I was so bad that my mother couldn't even shower or go to the toilet, I had to be there with her.
This is the bit that gets me the most because my mother wasn't abusive, or at least, she didn't try to be. She was just trying her best.
I'm also autistic and combined with my clingyness I was a pretty difficult child. I remember clearly, my mother had to go across the country for work and my dad was working away too so my aunt had come over to look after me, I must have been about 4 or 5. I loved my aunt, she was one of the few people I could be with without my mother being there, but I just cried and screamed all night for my mom to come back.

I wasn't diagnosed with autism until I was 15 so for most of my childhood things like need for routine and picky eating just seemed like me being fussy to my parents and I'd often get told off for that. I was also badly bullied for being autistic and deaf, by the teacher as well as the kids.

Me and my mother used to have huge explosive arguments and it would get to the point where she would get so frustrated that she'd threaten to leave or send me away. Sometimes she actually would leave (if there was another adult in the house, I don't think she ever left me completely alone) or lock herself in the bathroom and refuse to interact with me.
I have a better relationship with her now that I'm older and I know she didn't mean those things and just said them out of frustration and I remember sometimes getting violent and hitting her when I didn't get my way so it's kinda understandable that she'd want to protect herself from that.

She was actually a really great mother given the circumstances but despite all her efforts and all the times she was there, I still felt horribly neglected and abandoned when she wasn't there or didn't understand my needs.

potentially triggering sexual content below











There have also been other events such as sexual and emotional abuse by my first partner and sexual exploitation online... Once again, I initiated the sexual contact, I wanted to feel special and make older men want me so I feel responsible for that too....But that's a different topic so..






I feel like since my perception and feelings were different from the reality of how she treated me, that I shouldn't have CPTSD or that I'm overreacting.
I don't feel safe talking to a professional either since my experience has been very bad in the past and I still have an intense fear of abandonment.

I know no one here can give me a diagnosis or anything like that but I'd just like to know what people think, am I overthinking this or was my perceived abandonment actually traumatic???
I feel so lost and scared.