As I've been learning more about the variety of symptoms of CPTSD, and those that I exhibit, I've found myself fascinated with how many areas of my life have been affected, and for how long I've been attempting to find the justification, cause and the cure for many of them.
One example is sensory motor coordination. I played sports most of my growing up, but couldn't dance or do aerobics to save my life. My ability to mirror what I see someone else do is next to non-existent. I'm crazy strong and will take on any physical task... but am prone to tripping when walking on stairs, miscalculate corners and furniture and am constantly covered in randomly acquired bruises.
Another is object permanence... the realization that things/people exist even when they are out of my physical presence. Gaps in conversations, texts, emails, visits.... even long weekends from work tend to create anxiety in me that makes me believe that my relationships and job are at risk.
Bouncing between hyper sexuality and extreme inhibition, repressed anger (on the outside) while screaming in rage (on the inside), dissociation and loss of time while zoning out, insecurity in relationships, finding myself at fault for nearly everything (even when my logical brain knows different), and immediately rushing to flight/flight response when confronted by even the smallest of disagreement. Many of these, I can correlate to traumatic events from my past... and many of them, I can see how they stem from those events.
They say that knowledge is a gift... I'm in the process of writing my book and hoping that through that process, I can instill knowledge of this disorder in others and do my part to reduce the stigma attached to this (and other) mental illnesses. I can definitely say that my knowledge of this has allowed me to see events and after effects in a different light.
In full honesty and disclosure, I'm feeling good today. There are many days where I'm not nearly as coherent, confident, or positive about my experiences or symptoms... I have those days where I lock myself in my closet, curl up in fetal position, cut myself, binge eat, sleep all day, self medicate, genuinely medicate, and contemplate the purpose of my life and the reasons I'm still hanging on. Like I said, it's an okay day.
One example is sensory motor coordination. I played sports most of my growing up, but couldn't dance or do aerobics to save my life. My ability to mirror what I see someone else do is next to non-existent. I'm crazy strong and will take on any physical task... but am prone to tripping when walking on stairs, miscalculate corners and furniture and am constantly covered in randomly acquired bruises.
Another is object permanence... the realization that things/people exist even when they are out of my physical presence. Gaps in conversations, texts, emails, visits.... even long weekends from work tend to create anxiety in me that makes me believe that my relationships and job are at risk.
Bouncing between hyper sexuality and extreme inhibition, repressed anger (on the outside) while screaming in rage (on the inside), dissociation and loss of time while zoning out, insecurity in relationships, finding myself at fault for nearly everything (even when my logical brain knows different), and immediately rushing to flight/flight response when confronted by even the smallest of disagreement. Many of these, I can correlate to traumatic events from my past... and many of them, I can see how they stem from those events.
They say that knowledge is a gift... I'm in the process of writing my book and hoping that through that process, I can instill knowledge of this disorder in others and do my part to reduce the stigma attached to this (and other) mental illnesses. I can definitely say that my knowledge of this has allowed me to see events and after effects in a different light.
In full honesty and disclosure, I'm feeling good today. There are many days where I'm not nearly as coherent, confident, or positive about my experiences or symptoms... I have those days where I lock myself in my closet, curl up in fetal position, cut myself, binge eat, sleep all day, self medicate, genuinely medicate, and contemplate the purpose of my life and the reasons I'm still hanging on. Like I said, it's an okay day.