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Hi everyone,

I am feeling really scared and confused, so wondered whether anyone else has experienced or read about what I am experiencing.  I have felt like the past happened to someone else, at some point I disconnected to the whole of my past not only my childhood.   

I am doing a Domestic Violence 10 week group workshop, and last Tuesday week 4, I emotionally connected/realised that it happened to me, I went from intense crying, into shock like it was it was just happening, feeling it, rather than it being  something I had sort of known.   I must have denied, that I had been in an emotionally abusive relationship as an adult for 15 years.  It felt like the start of grief, like when I was told my mum died.    Since then I have been experiencing emotional memories often with what the memory is about, with the connection that it happened to me,  sometimes to something really random,

Today I realised that I, me had got a degree, that it happened to me, I had got a degree, this was during the 15 year abusive relationship  (it is so random but it brings up such intense negative emotions with it even though i realised I had got a degree ) the only way to describe this is like I have had a past but "ME or I as a person"  was never there to experience it and I am now experiencing it emotionally realising it happened to me, experience by experience,  it makes me cry so much and feel so sad.

This has followed on from last November when I emotionally connected to an attempt on my life, again that it happened to me, I went into depression and grief symptoms after this and isolated and withdraw quite a bit until the New Year when I have started baby steps coming out again.  (Hence why I have not been online)  and now further emotional realisations, which are painful, scary and making me feel so alone, and isolated and frightened, I am spending a lot of time being with myself and my body is feeling such pain.

I feel that there could be a gift in that I am connecting back to me, someone once said to me "that it was me that was missing"  in my life,

Can anyone relate to this?

Blessings to you all
Butterfly66

Hello

Oooohhh this is very hard to write, I am feeling such shame but I started reading the section on Personality Disorders last night, it has often crossed my mind, whether I have developed or I am developing a Personality Disorder.   I couldn't stop reading on this forum and checked some links and I can see myself in the Personality Disorder checklists.  I came across this question about myself a number of years ago about Narcisstic Personality Disorder and decided my mum had the hallmarks, I then read about fleas and decided that maybe I had some fleas but I am worried it could have developed further.  I am aware and conscious and remember reading that if you are worried about NPD then you don't have it because a person with NPD would not consider this question.

I woke up in the middle of the night worrying that I may have a personality disorder and I am flawed, defective in a deep way and wrote about it in my semi consciousness, what was coming out was that no one will want me or love me because I am flawed. I listened to my beautiful meditation and got back to sleep.

The this morning I woke up in a panic about there being something inherently defective/wrong with me.  I drew a picture.  Then I used a tool that I have used in the past asking myself what I want to happen or experience, often looking at the opposite which is perfect!  I know perfection does not exist so I suppose I want to be okay just as I am, to be loveable just as I am.   It was not a head thing I got into that feeling of feeling defective/flawed.  Oooohhh I wanted to cry so much I felt like exploding inside, everything wanted to come out.  I did cry a little and I am crying now writing this.

After the EF/emotional processing yesterday which it felt like it was about being abandoned by my dad at 6 months then at 14 years when he took his life, I wonder whether my IC  felt something was wrong with her back then, that she was unloveable because my dad did not see me again from 6 months until I was 5 years old, I wonder whether with having an emotionally unavailable mother aswell, I took on that belief that no body loved me, that there must be something wrong with me because I did not have a dad like everyone else and therefore I was unloveable,  I wonder whether I have carried this all my life unconsciously. 

I have side tracked but when I listen or read about NCD on here and listen to Spartan Life Coach I feel shame such shame/cringing in my shoulders.  I wonder whether I have the NPD behaviours because I am aware I crave attention, I so want to feel loved.  I feel so afraid that I also have a PD.

I am new here, it's all coming up and having kept it all inside for so long it so wants to come up and out, I have only recently been put on a waiting list for counselling for adult survivors of child abuse.  I have had counselling in the past many times but never with access to feelings and emotions so I feel I am ready to move forward with the healing, just wish I had a T to talk through these issues now, whilst they are coming up.  at the moment body work and homeopathic remedies are part of my support.  I feel like this feeling of being defective/flawed is at the very core of what's causing my shame, why I could possibly unconsciously hide the true me.

Can anyone relate to this? experienced any healing in T?

Thank you so much for this space to finally share, to feel like others understand, it's so invaluable,  I am even wondering sharing all this, is this a PD trait?  Crazy wish I hadn't started to read about PD's.  Here goes I'm going to share, going to do it, go on press the Post button......

Hello everyone

I don't know whether there is a difference, last night I met up with a friend, it was our last evening together as she is going off travelling to India this week and unsure where she will settle after her journey, she has sold her home and her belongings are in storage.

I was present during the evening and we had a meal together,  when I drove her home I said I don't know how to do this, goodbye or what is it, we said "see you" and there is likely to be contact via what's app if she gets a new phone in time. 

She has really let go and following the pulls in her life after s difficult 4 year journey for her where she has been literally forced to let go.  I didn't have an emotional reaction last night I felt amazingly calm and enjoyed the evening with her, something I have not experienced in a while, despite most days not being able to get dressed or going until early afternoon.

Then this morning I didn't want to open my eyes, to face the day, when I got out of bed, for some reason I had I hate you thoughts going on in my head, usually I am not aware of my head chatter just awash with emotion, I then went through a huge  process, not sure in which order now, I drew the hate, then wrote about hate, which ended up about darkness and light, I sat with what was going on in my body, I found an emptiness in my chest which flowed through to a tightness in my tummy at the side, I asked its colour and if it was a musical,sound what wouldn't be and hummed it, I then felt this growling release as the tightness began to,open,

I put music on to dance, It didn't do anything, I put on some sad songs and cried and cried and remembered my dad, then this hatred again, I got the rolling pin out and pounded the bed and pounded it really letting loose, I then wrote some more and cried some more, comforted myself and then danced with some dance music.  I feel I may have been emotionally processing something deep, or was it an emotional flashback because my friend is leaving to travel and I feel the loss, grief and abandonment.  I am feeling pretty flat now, low and flat.  It was s tough process whatever it was.
I get a sense it was about my dad, who I did not see from 6 months until I was 5 years old, then infrequently until he took his life when I was 14 years.  I think this may have been abandonment  from when I was 6 months old, can you feel abandonment at this age, I don't know, but it needed to be felt whatever it was.

I'm now feeling alone and sad and abandoned so I am reaching out to share what has happened this morning to me instead of keeping it inside.  Th reality is that I am not alone and abandoned I have myself and a community to talk to now.  If you read this, I would appreciate it if you could stop by and write to me even if it is just say hello to me.

Blessings
Deb x

Hello

I'm pretty new to this and posting on a forum.  I sometimes feel I have the need to talk but don't know what to talk about.

Here goes,  I realise that I have spent my entire life just pushing myself to do things,to take huge steps forward and move on and do things. ( to avoid and not acknowledge fear).   I crash stay under for a while then push myself to get back up again and the cycle begins again.

I had been taking steps, had volunteered, then increased my volunteering, doing something everyday during the day, and 5 days out of the 7 nights, so difficult to put this into words, I started adult trampolining class, went to dance class, did co-counselling, bio meditation 2 or 3 times a week in the evening and co-counselling. Underneath I was not meeting my emotional and even basic needs, eating properly, washing clothes, ironing etc.  I had been moving forward but was just pushing myself.

About a month ago, I had a triggering event  which led me the next day to feel in shock/denial like I had been abused, I then over the days following felt strong emotions of grief, disbelief, etc, after about a week I realised the trigger was that I had felt like I was in an impossible situation (trapped) feeling like I was unable to escape.  A double bind.  I won't go into the details but the co-counselling was a big support for me and when looking it it realistically was not providing the support for me and the impossible situation that had arisen could not be talked about and resolved.  I realised that I could escape and made the decision a couple of weeks later to leave.  During this time I have gone into a deep process, gone back to an original trauma response, isolating, not being able to carry out activities unless I pushed myself and even some days I could not even do them if I pushed myself.

With homeopathic remedies, I then had a huge emotional connection to trauma, I had a serious attempt on taking my life about 10 years ago, there I have shared it, I never emotionally connected to this and hence I then felt such strong emotions, how could I get through this, it was self abuse of the most serious kind, how could I forgive myself. 

So I have stopped pushing and just been doing the bare minimum, asking myself what I need, most of the time it has been I want to be held, so I have just held, loved and caressed myself with a blanket around me,ma hot water bottle and held a teddy.  Something inside would arise where I would write, colour in or just draw things with felt tip pens.  It takes me to early afternoon to get into a space of feeling like I can do something, even if just having a shower or having food.

I heard someone on a video who had CPTSD said that they did not have a comfort zone.  This  really resonated with me.  This morning it came to me maybe start to create a basic structure routine, a comfort zone.  So I have drawn out what that would look like, getting out of bed, shower, food, activities am (work/fun/ exercise) not put in any specifics, then lunch, then activities again, then dinner, then fun/rest/social/exercise) then bed.  My morning routine and evening routine  includes, cuddles with myself, self caress and and saying I love you. 

Seams a long journey to get there, a direction not a goal.  I am looking at real tiny baby steps along the way, my baby steps today are to get out of bed and not get back into bed until bedtime, to lie on the bed not get back into bed if I am giving myself cuddles or love,  to do some writing, art activities which I have been doing and anything else I feel pulled to do today.  It's a step for me of stopping pushing myself and starting a road of baby steps.  A new way of being, small changes.  It seems such a small baby step but I feel proud of myself for stopping pushing.  I so want to push and get out there and do things. 

Has anyone else gone from pushing to allowing and starting a journey of baby steps?  Thank you for listening for allowing me to share, it all wants to come out.

Hello

Anyone else on here from the UK.  This is the first time I've joined an online group, so huge baby step for me. 

I have not been diagnosed with CPTSD but from reading Pete Walker's information on his website it really resonates with me.  I've had depression for 23 years and over the past few years have been able to start feeling again which seems to co-incide with the symptoms of EF and being so easily thrown into emotional turmoil and fright flight, noticing disassociation.

I have been off meds for years and taken the alternative route but nothing seemed to help.  A few months ago I started doing some mindfulness meditations and soon began to realise that whatever I do I become obsessive about it, I was with myself for hours and hours not wanting to come out of the semi consciousness and relief from daily life these meditations brought.

  About a month ago I started taking homeopathic remedies and I started having some body work with someone experienced in trauma. Has anyone come across Peter Levine's work?   Since then I had an emotional connection to a traumatic experience in my past, like a mind, body and spirit realisation that it happened to me, such strong emotional processing since, been struggling to function, but using the time to hold myself with a teddy and hot water bottle and teddy, just caressing my face and being with myself, colouring, drawing and writing, constantly asking myself what I need, just want to be held, letting emotions flow when they can.   

This week I had an intense session with my T where I followed through some emotions/ sensations through my body, with deep breathing checking the room for objects when I wanted to disassociate with the T's direction, it just seemed to go on forever, then I went into a freeze response, the energy in my arms was intense and electric and my arms were frozen, it just shows the strength of energy held in the body with trauma.  I then started to connect to my hands and immobilise. When I connected to my hands I couldn't stop touching them and I said I have missed them, that really shocked me.  The T then sat on the floor with me and held and rocked me, I felt really good after this until the next day when I plummeted again.

I didn't intend to write so much, but I have and will leave it at that.  I feel thankful to have found this space to talk to others who understand.