Topics

And these 2 are the first ones from 2016:





Thanks for looking! I will add more in individual posts as i do more. 

I just disappeared. I didn't even know why. All I know is every time I would come on here and read or post, I'd get all weepy. I think it's that I was feeling left out. Not that anyone actually did anything. I always feel like the one no one wants around when there is more than one other person around. It's like I assume everyone else is already bonded and I have no place there.

I was very into Inner Child Writing. Not that I keep up with that as much as I should either. There is a thread on here about it and people were actually interested in it and doing it I guess. And instead of feeling good about that (because other places and people have basically rejected it when I'd tell them about it) I felt bad. I guess it's that I started to feel left out again--that there is a group of people all liking the same thing, and that even tho it's something I like too, I will end up not belonging. So I stopped. It was like Inner child stuff was MY thing, and everyone else was somehow taking it away. It (I) wasn't special anymore...lol.

I also stopped reading Pete Walker's book around the same time. I was totally avoiding. And I don't know how long I can stay again because I'm crying now. For no apparent reason.

Anyway for the past yr I tried to throw all my energy into non-psychological stuff. I've been trying to develop more as an artist. But I still have so much to do in this area because i can't escape the effects CPTSD still has on my life.

When I figure out how to blog, I should paste this there?   

I usually skip over intros, but ok... 

I live in NY, grew up in CT, am 46 yo, no kids, been with present boyfriend since 1993, living together for 20 yrs. I don't work, am on disability because of CPTSD and SA (in the past, major depression too). I also have chronic pain in my back (degenerative disc disease) and so I can't stand for a long time, making it hard to return to work I did as a younger adult and teen--retail. I have a BA in Psychology, and an associate's in Accounting. We have a 10 yo chinchilla named Ruby. I like to paint and redo/upcycle furniture in shabby-chic style, and am still trying to teach myself how to play electric guitar. I'm in therapy since 2001 with a 2 yr break (where i made huge progress on my own). What's helped me the most is when I have a really understanding and validating therapist (rare) and inner child work (writing in inner child diaries).
 
Traumas:

~Mother died when i was 5. (she was healthy psychologically and we were close)
~Father is a narcissist.
~Stepmother and father became physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive toward me at 8 right after they married, and I felt like everyone wanted me dead by the time I was 9. Also because the only adults in my life hated me, i "figured" thru logic, that my own real mother, if still alive, would've hated me too (because I was such a bad girl).
~A wedge was driven between my younger sister and I by my SM and it ended up being forever--we are estranged.
~I was kept isolated socially (ie. not allowed to have friends over, or go to sleepovers, join girlscouts, do sports, play an instrument etc.
~Around 12 the 2 girls on my street that I liked and played with for yrs outside, turned on me and one threw a dog biscuit at me at the bus stop, everyone laughed. Was picked on by girls at school a lot.
~Date raped at 22 yo
~And finally, at 23, I moved to NY on the advice of my GM who I had always gotten along with. She was the only one I had, for 2 weeks a yr on summer vacation, who cared about me and I thought loved me. I also when older and had my own apt, talked to her on the phone once a month. She was like a best friend and mother rolled into one. And cool too--into astrology and drank, was up to date on all the styles etc. But within a month of moving here, I saw her true colors and it turned out she hated me too. This is the woman I confided in and trusted all those yrs. Kept me alive, "knowing" I at least had someone 400 miles away on my side throughout my horrible childhood. Well, she is a narcissist and is extremely manipulative and critical, has the sense of entitlement down perfectly and controls by being a martyr. Anyway, I was totally crushed by this (because I had no wall up with her at all, so I was an easy target) and became suicidal and extremely depressed because she turned on me, didn't really love me, which meant I never had ANYONE love me. This is also my mother's mother, and in her rejection of me, I felt vicariously rejected again by my dead mother because i thought the 3 of us were "3 peas in a pod." Turns out no one in my whole family cared if I was dead or a live.

Presently:

I have limited email contact with my disinterested irresponsible father.
I have no contact with my GM even tho yup, she's still alive at 94 and lives 20 minutes away. Her son is an ahole too, so I stopped talking to him too.
Sister lives in NC is a lawyer not married, no kids, but I guess lots of $$, whicj is all she ever cared about anyway.
I live with my boyfriend who also has CPTSD! So we have had a lot of struggling. We understand each other perfectly--when one of us/problems isn't triggering the other! But i love him and don't plan on going anywhere.

Future:

Even at our old ages (46 & 48) we want to have foster kids.
I hope to sell art or furniture someday.
Make good friends irl.
Get out of the snow belt and move to NM or AZ.