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I have been in touch with my Kids inside, but especially the  4 year old child that was me. Today was overwhelming and TBH I felt as though I was losing it with all that she gave me. I know its good as I want to learn, but the pain that my inner child went through just felt so bad that I wanted to run away and hide.

Here I can talk about the pain as this is a safe place but to be, face to face with another person I think I would have crumpled.

My mum said I had invisible friends when I was 4 years old  as I would talk with them a lot. As I embrace my past I knew that in many ways they were my friends, friends who protected me till I felt able to feel and today I sure did feel and I felt I was going stir crazy. I know there is more to come up and have known for a long time, I just didn't expect the depth of pain I felt.

If you have read this then I thank you for listening to me, it means a lot to me to be heard.....

Its fathers Day as I believe most of you will know that.

My husband decided to go see his dad today, and I know he never feels comfortable about been around him and so I didn't understand why he wanted to go.

Apparently he arranged it all and then told me I was going. I didn't feel comfortable either as we have 2 dogs and his dad is NOT a dog person. I told my H I wouldn't be going. Yesterday I could tell he was NOT happy as I needed food , but he wouldn't take me to get some. I don't drive and no shop is near enough for me to walk.

Anyway I knew that he was upset as he doesn't handle his emotions well, but today he did something that hurt me so badly. He started to taunt me about my inner kids in a really unpleasant way. I told him to stop but he just kept going. I know he is screwed up about seeing his dad but it was his choice, he made all the arrangements and then expected me to come.

I feel so much hurt inside as last night I was working on things with my inner Kids trying to put boundaries down etc and things were going well. Obviously he had a meltdown and the emotional attack on me was horrible, It will take time to get over it.

He can have a go at me, I can take it, but the way he attacked my inner kids was just too much for me. I have said often about a divorce but he wont go there, though if he is that unhappy why wont he let me go ?

When I was in the UK I had some great long term friends, but moving to the US things changed and we lost contact. I have heard it said that when one is an adult it can be harder to make friends and I agree. Still where I live there are some good people and I am learning to be more OUT there

I wanted to share something that touched my heart so much. I have a friend who has Leukaemia and is going through Chemo. She is a mum of 4 children and thankfully her mum is staying with her as her husband works long hours.

Anyhoo about an hour ago there was a knock at the door and it was one of her boys  with a pretty carrier bag with a card and a box of Tetley Tea Bags. I Used to drink Tetley back home and found it here in the US.  I gave her a  box of Tetley and got her hooked on it.

Anyway she told me what a great friend I was and well I was almost in tears as I felt so touched that she did that for me. Told her that I loved her and we both know that we are FRIENDS and well it just felt so good.

I keep her in my prayers as I don't want to lose her and she has now gone down with a cold, she didn't want me to come in case I got it, as if that bothers me . Didn't stop me going over there to give and snag some big hugs.

I am grateful and happy to know her and wanted to share something that has made me happy. Sometimes life gets overwhelming, but today has been a good one for me. I hope that your day is good for you too as I know having CPTSD is unhappy making to say the least.
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