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Hi everyone -

My absence in the forum the past couple months can be easily accounted for. I returned to counseling and, as I started to suspect this past fall, my diagnosis is a little different than I first thought.  I am in the process of confirming with my counselor that dissociative identity disorder is the primary issue that needs to be addressed. 

It's been a very tumultuous 2015 for me. I'm trying to accept this reality, but... it's distressing.

I won't go into the depth of my symptoms and struggles, as they don't pertain to C-PTSD as much, though I welcome encouragement and prayers as I begin a very long journey toward healing. Depression and anxiety have dragged me down a pit and I'm losing motivation to do things I love, as well as things I need to do.

I'm in tears grateful for the support that online communities - this one in particular - have had in getting me closer to the root of my pain.

Love to all of you. 

confident

So bear in mind I haven't yet received a definitive C-PTSD diagnosis and am not entirely sure all the ways childhood trauma has affected me yet. I know I have issues with dissociation, and wanted feedback on this particular problem.

Exhibit A: Sunday night. I can't remember if I was reading or watching a movie. I honestly can't even really remember this exchange either so I am improvising.

DH: "....t hahaha that was so funny."
Me: "Haha, yeah."
DH: "So you were ok with that?"
Me: "Ok with what?"
DH: "I just said I was going to take a shower now."
Me: "What? You did?"
DH: "Yeah, just minutes ago. I said, 'Ok, I need to go take a shower now, you just going to hang out and read?' And you said...."

And then it's gone again. But he proceeded to tell me about 3 or 4 sentences and exchanges I do not and could not remember. I have no memory of even conversing with him before the above exchange.

This has happened at least a handful of times in our marriage, where he fluently and unwaveringly quotes things I said minutes ago or earlier in the day that I have no memory of speaking.

Does anyone with C-PTSD experience this? Is it associated with other dissociative disorders?

So I was in an off-and-on EF for some two weeks. It was awful. I'm sure y'all know that.

I could almost draw a clear line in the sand from when the EF was happening and when it ended, and I'm wondering, what do you guys feel like when it's over? To me, it's akin to an awakening or full-on personality shift.  Like being a wholly different person sometimes.  I almost feel floaty, light, unhindered.  The EFs are really dark and filled with anxiety and fear, but when it's over, I know. I know I won't be going back into it until I get triggered again.

How would you guys describe post-EF for you, personally? Do you have any feelings or descriptors that stand out? Does your behavior change? Do you feel like different people entirely?

So I've been relatively confined with DS lately as we have one vehicle and DH is driving back and forth to work during the week when he doesn't find a carpool. Yesterday I had an epiphany when I was out with my best friend getting a beer. 

I'm on constant high alert, stressed out, hyper-vigilant, and near the brink of panic attack ANY TIME I AM HOME.

I mean, did you read that?

Any. Time. I. Am. Home.

This was incredibly revealing for me. I was happy, at ease, laughing, talking about things that interested me while I was at the pub.  It was the first time I'd felt that way in a couple weeks at least, and though another event triggered an EF for me earlier this month, I had a growing awareness yesterday that any time I am in the place I live, I'm triggered. I don't feel like I'm introverting or spending quality time by myself. I panic.  The norm is to start watching for crises and watching for a brewing conflict and my thoughts start going 1000 MPH. My blood pressure goes up, I dissociate, I check out and don't engage with my FOC.  Anxiety and irritability are the whole of my emotional experience in my own home.

And I realized this: the reason I feel this way is because this was my home life for 18 years. Before I left for college, I was locked away by myself in my room waiting for my mom to come through the door, stand in the doorway, ask me a bunch of questions about what I'm doing, guilt me for not doing something, rage at me. There was no such thing as a safe home.  Home was a place of constant conflict and tension, and this is something that has carried over too far into my adulthood.

It angers me, and it saddens me, and it gives me such a deep feeling of relief to know that my feelings that once felt so abnormal and inexplicable suddenly make perfect sense when contextualized to account for C-PTSD and abuse.

But I guess the loss in this is the feeling of home as a safe place.

I haven't been able to start T yet due to finances, but this is, so far, the biggest revelation I've had and the biggest hurdle to improved emotional health for me.

Does anyone else out there read this and think, "Oh my goodness, yes, I know what you are talking about?"

I've heard the term C-PTSD tossed around quite a bit in another forum I'm active in.  Trying to come to terms with the fact that my childhood was not all that I once thought it to be, I pushed the term aside while trying to grapple with new understanding of family dynamics.

But it's time... I'm ready to recognize that this is what I have, and it's polluting and sucking the joy out of almost every moment in my life. 

I was raised (or not, depending on your perspective...) by a personality-disordered mother and an enabling, absentee father whose presence in my life was hit-or-miss.  I lived most of my childhood devoid of any real familial relationship. The one saving grace was a gentle, nurturing grandfather who was gone way too early from my life.

I've been wretchedly depressed and angry for the past week and a half after a triggering event, oscillating between uncontrollable sobbing to the point of near vomiting, dizziness, dissociation, inexplicable anger and frustration with a hair trigger, indifference to people and situations around me, loss of interest in hobbies. I feel completely stalled out. Somewhere inside there is a dream of starting my own business, but I honestly don't believe myself capable and I'm not sure how to get motivated.  As a wife and mother I feel like I'm a complete failure, like I'm only setting up my family to go through the same * I went through, and I'm afraid of having more children because I don't feel competent as long as I'm in this state.

Not sure what to do next. Maybe someone can relate.