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****Trigger Warning***

A former gubernatorial Candidate in my State, (ran twice), plead guilty today to possession of "tens of thousands" of images of CP. He was sentenced to 4 years with al but 9 months suspend. Grossly , grossly unfair and the punishment doesn't fit the crime!!!
I am pissed to say the least and needed to put this anger somewhere. I am fairly new here so if this is inappropriate let me know and ill take it down.

Just heartbroken that our legal system still doesn't address the severity of this depravity.

I am grateful that OOTS exists and that Im feeling safer here as the days go by.

***Trigger Warning***

A bit about me and my journey in recovery: It's important to me that i consistently edify my experiences and the paths and circles I've traveled in, especially as I age. Some of the messages both direct and indirect I received as a child were that I was stupid, homely, and would never amount to anything and I was told directly to never tell anyone about what had happened or I would be killed!  I have uncovered some hard truths about my early life. My childhood was, until about 11-12 years old,  filled with routine horrific acts of all kinds of violence and abuse.  I understand this is not the place for specifics.

I had my last drink/drug  on September 6, 1982 and have been blessed with continuous sobriety to this moment. Once sober I did not know what to do with my life, i knew i was unhappy and had routine thoughts of self-harm.
I stumbled through life for the next three years and ended up in AA as a result of being asked by my sister to come with her to a meeting,  and I said yes!!  Life has never been the same since! I started attending tons of meetings and getting into service work in AA, sponsoring people, got married, started a business, had a child and.... was just feeling hopeless about life on the inside. Outside I was the model recovering alcoholic on the inside just rotting to the core, brings me to tears now to think about how much pain I was in , all the time.

Fortunately I had a kind and loving sponsor that was also in ACOA.

In the fall of 1988 I vividly remember driving up the interstate one afternoon  in a brand new vehicle at speeds exceeding 100 MPH and in a complete rage. Fortunately that was a one time occurrence and it scared me. so like a good AA i called my sponsor as soon as i got home. Over the next few weeks he suggested i go off to an in patient treatment facility for ACOA's. In those days the health insurance co's paid for that therapy so there was a 6 month waiting list , i waited and went in the spring of 1989. The week i spent there was pivotal in my surviving. It s is the week i started to have some recall  about my childhood. I was 38 and could not remember anything before age 15, just the houses  i lived in and that was enough for the therapists to start loving me back to life.

So in addition to AA, ACOA, OA,  and ALANON  ,individual therapy and group therapy became part of my recovery path and the circles I sat in and was so lovingly held by. This intense regimen lasted about 3 years and one day in  group I announced I was healed and i exited. I stopped all outside help and focused on just 2 12-step groups. About a year went by and in 1993 thoughts of self harm or extinction where unrelenting.  I called the therapist and went to see him. His suggestion was i attend a mens retreat that was being held the upcoming weekend, i went. Again this was life changing, i met a group of "safe " men  that  were dealing with al kinds of trauma. I started going to these retreats  every 90 days for about 6 years  and it was in the second retreat i stared to have flashbacks  of childhood sexual abuse. So 30 years later i now convene these retreats twice a year and some times co-lead
them.

This is a lot so i'm going to stop now and will continue at some point in the next days.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to let you know me.

My Best
Steve M

This morning I was in the laundry area and started to fold clothes that were in the dryer as i needed to put the wet clothes from the washer in the dryer, seems like a normal, boring , simple  task. As I started folding I almost immediately went into this very familiar bind of wanting the task at hand to be done and like done now so i could get to the next part of moving the wet wash, i didn't want to be in the space and time I was in I wanted out is the best way to describe it. I wasn't triggered by anything obvious i just wanted to be 5 minutes ahead in my life and not here and now. Again i feel like im not making sense, that said, i need to write this stuff out or it haunts me and i can't sleep.  somedays i try and figure out too much and maybe this is one of those days, good night and thank you to all that keep this forum going!
Steve M

Where am I today; here writing to a bunch of humans Ive never met and don't know a single person on this site, that said, I know what its like to suffer/heal/suffer/heal with and from unimaginable acts done to me by others decades ago. I woke a couple of mornings ago with that "lost" feeling and definitely out of body. I know one of the ways i can come back to ground is to walk , so i did. I went on a 5 mile wander down a dirt road near my house and then a couple miles on the RR tracks, something calming about walking in a straight line and looking at steel and rocks and RR ties, it takes what it takes. I spent a lot of time walking those tracks during Covid as my CPSTD was full on with the way the US leaders handled the situation, just felt powerless! 

I found this site the other day as i was looking for like recovering people, i am a 12-step person with a lot of decades in those rooms , mostly live but   now a lot more zoom meetings.

My early childhood was one of awful abuse of all kinds with a mother that denied it and when I went to her for help and an absent father. I'm looking for any live meetings you may have available.
Thank You
Steve M

Hi,
Im brand new to OOTS and wondering if there is some protocol to introduce myself?
My Best
Steve M