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I have been very LC with my family for over a year now. I moved to the other side of the world 3 years and this distance helped massively with the process. At first I still kept in regular contact with my younger sister and even Skyped with my parents a few times a year. I never spoke alone with them, I always had my partner by my side for support (and my parents were fairly well behaved for the most part). After finding a therapist and taking time to seriously focus on myself and healing, I began to put some firmer boundaries in place with my FOO. I sent them an email explaining this to them, and to my surprise the response was respectful and they thanked me for informing them of what was going on. However, in the past month the emails from family members have started again and I am starting to feel myself crumble a little under the pressure and guilt of it all. Another major thing has happened in my life during this period that is contributing to this stress  is that my spouse recently came out as trans and has decided to transition (a decision I am fully in support of). I know that this is most likely not going to go down well with my family (my mother has in the past expressed trans-phobic views). I know that if I tell my FOO this will most likely be used as something they will try and manipulate me with by planting seeds of doubt in my mind about my marriage. Honestly, the thought of telling them is terrifying. To make matters worse, I suspect that when my partner comes out to their family there is a large chance that they might disown us - which would leave us with no family support on either side. It's a very complex situation.

I always thought that if I worked hard enough on my healing, that maybe one day I would be strong enough to deal with my family, and not let their dysfunction affect me like it does now. To make matters more confusing, since going LC my parents have been pretty well behaved and have even respected my boundaries. I know that I manage my relationship with them very carefully , giving them practically no "ammunition" that can be used against me. I tell them very little about my life, but the constant requests for information such as photographs from them stresses me out. I know that in their minds my behaviour will probably be interpreted as my "issues" (I've always been the identified patient in my family). They are not interested in talking about the past and have always demanded that I "Shut up and move on" (my mother even gave my self-help book with this title to read once, and when I refused, she screamed at me until I caved in!) I've always tried to hold on to the relationship with my younger sister but she is back living with my parents, very much under the control of my mother. It pains me to say, but I find it very difficult to even trust her anymore.

I feel guilty about considering NC when my family aren't doing anything that bad right now. I mean, they are so far away from me (physically), it should be easy to just manage my relationship with them like this at this distance? I can't help but think that until I cut off from them completely, their influence is always going to be in my life somehow. I have such a great desire to just walk way from it all so that I can start living the life that I want - but I question if I am just running away again?

Does anyone relate?

I needed to get a few things off my chest...

I recently just finished reading Walker's book on CPTSD and was immediately able to recognise and see myself in the description of what he calls the "inner-critic". I guess I would describe myself as a "shamed-based" personality; shame seems to be at the core of all of my emotional issues. For many years doctors and therapists diagnosed me with anxiety, but in the past 5 months I have come to realise that my anxiety is merely a symptom of a much deeper problem.

The anxiety I experience is predominantly the social kind. I have always found it hard to relate to how other anxiety suffers describe their experiences. I don't have irrational fears about my health or safety, nor do I get the sudden feeling of intense fear/panic that some of my friends (who suffer from panic attacks) tell me about. My anxiety seems to always stem from the negative voice inside my head telling me that I should be ashamed of myself (that I am a "bad" person), and that people are judging me. I suppose it is for this reason why I struggle so much when it comes to interpersonal relationships (and have a tendency to keep people at arms length).

A few weeks a go I decided to give up alcohol. Since my early teens I have abused both alcohol and drugs to help ease my social anxiety. While I was never chemically addicted, I felt that I was on a slippery slope and that my dependency on alcohol to help "sooth" myself was becoming extremely dangerous and unhealthy. The incident that lead to this decision (which I won't go into here as it is still a little difficult for me to talk about); lead to one huge toxic/shame attack that lasted for several days. Towards the end of this episode, (with the help of Walker's book) I was able to confront my inner critic on a number of occasions and "stop" it in it's track, and practice self-soothing instead of constantly beating myself up. I believe that I made significant progress and the week after I had recovered from this, I felt the most confident and positive I have felt about in a long time.

Unfortunately, however, this past week has brought with it new demons and challenges for me to conquer. I recently got engaged and my social anxiety has come back with a vengeance as I try to navigate through the social aspect of what comes with planning a wedding. Honestly, a part of me wants to elope secretly so that I don't have to deal with people (especially family); but I know that this would just be running away from my problems (and I don't want this either). My fiancée's father is coming to our apartment for dinner tonight so that was can discuss wedding plans. I'm already stressing out about what to cook for him (I'm convinced he will hate whatever I make, even though I know that this is just an emotional/irrational reaction). I'm terrified about our apartment not looking clean enough and that I'll be judged for this (I'm currently not employed so I do most of the housework, etc). Truthfully, all I want to do is just lock my bedroom door and run away from this...

I'm beginning to realise how strong my "outer-critic" is. My OC is the reason why I feel that everyone is out to judge, mock and reject me. It causes me to go into "shut-down" mode where all I want to do is run away and hide from people who just want to help me. It's painful to admit, but my OC also makes me incredibly judgemental of others. Even though I don't voice these opinions I cannot deny that they exist (in my mind) and are the reason why I find it so hard to just sit down and have a "relaxed" conversation with someone (without needing alcohol). It makes me very sad how my OC has made me push so many people out of my life....

This has all be a very hard pill to swallow and I am struggling to fight of the voices in my head that are telling me what an awful person I am.

I struggle with self medicating with alcohol. I'm very ashamed about it.

It's a vicious cycle, really. I get drunk, do silly things and then beat myself up about it for days...and then eventually will "slip-up" again and have a drink, to ease myself and block out the negative voices in my head that constantly beat me up.

It's got to a point where it is happening weekly and I'm very scared that it will get out of control if I don't try and stop it now.

Does anyone else have any similar struggles? Any advice?

I've read many different on-line definitions/descriptions of what psychological dissociation is and how it manifests, however, I'm still left really confused and wonder how significant this problem may/may not be for me.

First of all, I don't relate to the "losing time" aspect that I see mentioned a lot. I do think I often go on autopilot, but I wouldn't say that large chunks of my day are lost.  I also struggle to understand the escaping to imaginary worlds/daydreaming aspect. What I do experience is a constant feeling as though I am never fully present. An example would be when socialising my mind is constantly "elsewhere"; I often struggle listening to what the other person is saying because I'm so consumed by the mental chatter in my head. I know that this sounds a lot like social anxiety (which I do suffer from), so perhaps I'm confusing the two.

I was wondering if anyone had any other specific examples of how dissociation affects them?

Hello all,

I found this forum when researching complex-PTSD (which I think I may suffer with).

I guess, right now, I'm looking for a place where I can both get more information and resources (to help myself), as well as support from people who have been/are going through similar things to me.

I'm at a point in my life where I am ready to heal. I ordered Pete Walkers book on-line the other day because I hear nothing but positive things about it.

I'll leave it here for now. Thanks for reading.