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Thanks guys! I'm very pleased and looking forward to starting 

I'm back to having emotional dreams again. Not the nightmare, terrifying, horrifying type. No.
I've been having a lot of dreams that are filled with emotions. Deep emotions that I perhaps stop myself from feeling during the day.
Before it was the guilt and missing of my FOO. Feeling sorry for them. Needing to help, getting anxious and worried about them. All things i stopped doing a few years ago and its like my system was still programmed to do that so didn't stop feeling those things..so it came out in my dreams.
And now its some of the fantasy thinking i used to do a lot with regards to relationships. I stopped indulging in this too, once i realised how much it leads to missing red flags and generally bad outcomes.
Again, its like my system hasn't fully caught on that 'we won't be using this coping mechanisms anymore' and is dying to do them whenever i feel bad or empty.....like how i always used to as a kid, and it almost feels betrayed that i reject this coping mechanism?! So then it happens in my dreams. Fantasy romantic partnerships. It feels so real and nice and then when i wake up, i feel so triggered, and lost, and not in control anymore. And worried that my nervous system will never get into the habit of recognising anything else other than the dysfunctional habits, as coping strategies.

I'm trying to apply the things i learnt in therapy. To go lovingly towards these dreams and to thank them for guiding me towards whats going on inside, with processing. I think its because ive recently started approaching dating very differently - and it certainly isn't easy to go to what feels most natural (attraction to many red flagged men) and to be honest, it feels annoying, weird, odd, and like the sparkly fun of attraction has been taken out of it. I hate even saying this. I think i havent yet fully figured out when im not attracted to someone because they genuinely are not a good match, versus not having the initial attraction because they are healthy and not what im used to - something i know can be common when meeting people who arent toxic after its all we're used to. I was on an extremely boring and awkward date, the guy did not have good social awareness skills, and i reasoned i should give him a chance and sat through a very tedious second date before getting annoyed with myself and thinking, i can also trust myself to recognise when im not having a good time.
Healthy may mean not what we're used to, but it shouldn't also mean tediously boring, difficult and lacking any commanlities.

These things all sound so obvious but ive found as im treading the murky waters of recovery, its the little things like this that we need to unlearn and -relearn and it will take some trial and error. Such as abandoning old ideas of love and fantasies, and giving guys a chance who aren't the usual type to trigger a spark. But then questions will be raised - what then is the difference for us between a spark not being triggered because they're healthy versus because they're just incompatible? I.e. learning to trust myself, and my own decision-making and intuition.
Its difficult. Some of the wiring still needs redoing.
And in the meantime, it feels like my brain has so many new things with being challenged, ordered to do things differently to what worked as a child, that its getting overwhelmed and confused and sleep is the only time i leave it alone to bring up whatever.

Sigh. this might not even make much sense, im rambling a lot.

I've been having a lot of dreams that are filled with emotions. Deep emotions that I perhaps stop myself from feeling.
Before it was the guilt and missing of my FOO. Feeling sorry for them. Needing to help, getting anxious and worried about them. All things i stopped doing a few years ago and its like my system was still programmed to do that so didn't stop feeling those things..so it came out in my dreams.
And now its some of the fantasy thinking i used to do a lot with regards to relationships. I stopped indulging in this too, once i realised how much it leads to missing red flags and generally bad outcomes.
Again, its like my system hasn't fully caught on that 'we won't be using this coping mechanisms anymore' and is dying to do them whenever i feel bad or empty.....like how i always used to as a kid, and it almost feels betrayed that i reject this coping mechanism?! So then it happens in my dreams. Fantasy romantic partnerships. It feels so real and nice and then when i wake up, i feel so triggered, and lost, and not in control anymore. And worried that my nervous system will never get into the habit of recognising anything else other than the dysfunctional habits, as coping strategies.

I'm trying to apply the things i learnt in therapy. To go lovingly towards these dreams and to thank them for guiding me towards whats going on inside, with processing. I think its because ive recently started approaching dating very differently - and it certainly isn't easy to go to what feels most natural (attraction to many red flagged men) and to be honest, it feels annoying, weird, odd, and like the sparkly fun of attraction has been taken out of it. I hate even saying this. I think i havent yet fully figured out when im not attracted to someone because they genuinely are not a good match, versus not having the initial attraction because they are healthy and not what im used to - something i know can be common when meeting people who arent toxic after its all we're used to. I was on an extremely boring and awkward date, the guy did not have good social awareness skills, and i reasoned i should give him a chance and sat through a very tedious second date before getting annoyed with myself and thinking, i can also trust myself to recognise when im not having a good time.
Healthy may mean not what we're used to, but it shouldn't also mean tediously boring, difficult and lacking any commanlities.

These things all sound so obvious but ive found as im treading the murky waters of recovery, its the little things like this that we need to unlearn and -relearn and it will take some trial and error. Such as abandoning old ideas of love and fantasies, and giving guys a chance who aren't the usual type to trigger a spark. But then questions will be raised - what then is the difference for us between a spark not being triggered because they're healthy versus because they're just incompatible? I.e. learning to trust myself, and my own decision-making and intuition.
Its difficult. Some of the wiring still needs redoing.
And in the meantime, it feels like my brain has so many new things with being challenged, ordered to do things differently to what worked as a child, that its getting overwhelmed and confused and sleep is the only time i leave it alone to bring up whatever.

Sigh. this might not even make much sense, im rambling a lot.

It sounds like a lot of pain and you have so much beautiful compassion.

Some happy news amongst the pain

Thank you Armee. There is so much pain there. Its so overwhelming. When I lean into it, I can feel it for an evening before it floods my whole system and I'm too overwhelmed and cannot think or locate any feeling. Maybe that's dissociation, I don't know.
The past few days since my visit to the supermarket were full of this flooding of emotions. My sleep, disturbed and full of dreams and heavy feelings. I had another job interview today which I was excited to prepare for, but found I could barely manage beyond 30 mins of reading before giving up. There's just no room in my brain when my system is flooded like that. Every day, it wasn't easing up: despite going for walks, distraction techniques, calling friends...I started the netflix show 'sweet magnolias' and fictional as it may be, the delicate and acute ways in which the characters portray concern for the welfare of each other, their children made me freeze up. My family would jeer and mock such tender displays of caring for others, never mind children. If you were little, you didn't matter 1 bit. If you were a teenager, you were a madam with an attitude who needed putting in her place. No needs were acknowledged; basic or otherwise.
It made me remember when I was a teenager, and kept as lowkey as possible to not give them trouble. Focused on studying and getting good grades. I did nothing but study. Then one day, I overheard my mum and brother talking. She was spitting out her words, and muttering darkly: 'now its time to find her a husband before she becomes troublesome' and talking about setting me up with a potential match who knew my brother - a man in his 20s. I froze, hearing all this. She spoke about me like I was a piece of garbage, an item, a THING to be 'dealt with'. She didn't even see me as human. At all. In that moment, I felt like I would never amount to anything more than a 'nothing' no matter how agreeable I was, no matter how helpful or beneficial I was, or how well my grades were, how much I could make them proud of me. Argh, this is a bit too much for me to go towards right now, I wish my brain would stop taking me there for a bit this evening. Therapy tomorrow, at least. Anyway...

I felt a mixture of being frustrated and angry with myself in the lead-up to the interview for not being able to snap out of it.
I had the interview this morning.

I thought I'd done pretty badly. I wasn't as eloquent and smooth in my answers as I could have been. The last question - a clinical scenario, my mind went blank at one point and the interviewer was probing me to give me answers. I freaked out and felt so utterly disappointed, ashamed, a failure...

And then, i got a phone call later.....I got the job! I was so happy I think I squealed down the phone and thanked her!
I honestly don't know how I got through these past 3 days of being 'triggered' and completely PTSD'ed, with no relief whilst awake AND asleep. But I did, and I succeeded in the interview.

Every storm passes.

Having a bit of a wobble moment today amongst many positive updates.
Its that sudden feeling that sometimes strikes....like being struck with a needle injecting into my system a cocktail of loneliness, terror, fear and guilt.
Its horrible and scary.
Its a feeling in the pit of my stomach, a swirling blizzard that expands out throughout my body until i feel a bit sick/dizzy. Like I'm the only person left on the world.
As though my FOO who i loved despite their dysfunction, have all died and all the abuse is nothing but sands of memories.
I feel scared to let them down, to do things that would make them disappointed.
Likewise, when I feel good and am doing good positive things, I wish I could include them.
I've been good with exercise recently and walked an hour and a half to do my weekly food shop. I found lots of good, healthy ingredients that got me excited about cooking again, and the positive feelings that came over me whilst I was stood in the aisles made me cry. I stood frozen and cried - my life has all come together and that end results only came about without a single family member left in it. Why did it have to be like this?
I cried for all the happy memories we don't and can't and won't have.
And for all the goodness and success and peace and wonderful things in my life I can't share with them.
And for all the horrible times that they, too, endured, and never seemed to get out of.
And for the 2 family members who have passed away, both in quite a lot of suffering.

I wish I could take it all away from all of them, from everyone else out there in the world who has to deal with this. The pain can be unbearable. I cried all the way to the check outs and on my way home. These tears of raw pain can feel so much more intense...almost hot and sting the skin. Its like releasing small bits of a reservoir of unbearable pain.

Day 10 of isolation. Final day, hurrah!

What a difference a night of better sleep makes. I always forget not to underestimate how much some symptoms can really be worsened by poor sleep. I had awful, anxious, emotion-heavy dreams for a few nights before yesterday and my mood has really plummeted as a result. I was catastrophising, had brain fog, poor concentration, extremely low mood and inner critic has gone beserk. Ended up calling Samaritans yesterday after waking up on the verge of tears and told them all about my dreams and how much they were affecting me and it really helped - i always forget how the smallest of things really can help - they reminded me how much of a difference sleep makes to our day and our wellbeing and suggested getting in touch with my doctor for some sleeping aids - a simple task which i just don't think of when my mental state is triggered. So I made an appointment with my GP for today and it felt really good to be doing something about it - a proactive approach and to know I'll be able to get medicine that will help if sleep starts to get really tricky again.
And thankfully i managed to sleep well yesterday! Very relieved about this.

Your description could as well describe what asking for things (anything and everything) has been like for me. While I've had some ups and downs with this, it seems more static and almost unmovable for me. So much of my life ends up with me wondering ... if only I'd asked. It's even worse than that, though -- if I have to call someone or even have the simplest question to ask, I can hold off for days as if it's a major hurdle to ask.

I've tried umpteen times to make some headway about this. My only conclusion is it all comes down to extremely low self-esteem and/or love, simple as that.  -- did I just say "simple"?  Some of this comes from a strong sense of self-reliance, in most respects an enabling and useful trait. But it's obvious that in my case I can hide behind what otherwise is considered an admirable asset 

Too much redundancy here. I just want you to know you're not alone in figuring out a sane, safe way to live with and alter this 'can't ask' behaviour. I wish you well as you grapple with this aspect.

Thank you. My heart goes out to you for trying to take steps forward with this. Its so incredibly hard, I know. I hope this static problem can be an area of your life that can improve, you deserve it as much as anyone else. I'm going to keep trying, little by little. I wish I could send all the goodness, health and healing to everyone else on here sharing in my difficulties, you all make me feel seen, heard and so much less alone. So grateful for you and everyone on here.

This is such a biggie for me.
Asking for help. Making my needs known.
Even things that I should be getting as par the course for say, my job.
My superviser didn't do my end of rotation report for example. I emailed him, and then felt too scared to badger him further. He is supposed to have done it by early August. It is now...October and still not done.
I'm scared he is going to do any or all of the following:
Sigh, show irritance at being bothered, get annoyed, get angry, have a go at me and tell me I am bothering him and then whip out a whole list of all the things in which I am truly dreadful/awful/a massive burden and other ways in which i am just useless and lacking and incompetent in, that he has kept secret this whole time, to throw at me in the moment where something is needed of him, to get her anger out. .

I've had to push through fears like this SO MUCH in the past. Its so scary asking for stuff having grown up in...our kinds of home environments.
I'm scared to bother my friends too, though I mostly push through that one and it works out ok. Though I mostly do it with things that are really not asking much at all. Other times when I've needed a bit more....such as helping me when I've had a broken wrist, its so difficult.

I always feel like I first have to prep in my head for coming up with a load of justifications and explanations why I absolutely cannot 100% do it by myself at this very moment. Like the situation has to be completely dire to justify asking them. Otherwise maybe its too much, maybe they'll get irritated, annoyed, see me as needing too much blah blah blah.

Its awful. I hate this. The fear, the pounding heart, the expectation of being ridiculed/rejected is so horrendous it puts me off pushing through and just asking.

Though most of the times I've asked for help, its been fine.

But then there's the feeling of needing to 'give back' and overcompensate for what others did for me - like its such a big massive deal, that i need to show them it was worth it or justifiable by being extremely available and giving in return even when they're not asking for anything(?!). Its maddening. I constantly feel like I can never just....be. I'm always anticipating and preparing against/for a particular outcome.

Of course, this is all in keeping with how my mum and older siblings reacted to my needs and the relationship their behaviour led me to have with my needs and how they affect others.

This is my next focus of healing. Little baby steps.
Gosh. Its so unfair we have to learn basic things in such brutal ways. We have to learn healthy things by always unlearning the unhealthy ways we were programmed into...through extremely difficult facing of fears and unrealistic views of the world and others instilled into us by rubbish caregivers.

Day 6 isolation.
Sleep has been terrible. Lots of rushed, frantic, adrenaline-filled dreams.
These kinds of dreams have been happening all of my life, for as long as i ca remember.

Scenes of distress that I haven't necessarily experienced - such as burning buildings, trying to rescue people, people myself at harm's risk by trying to stop the fires. Themes of death, loss, fear, danger, perplexing situations. Sometimes the scenarios are so odd, random, peppered with different people from different stages of my life.. But always full of emotion, pounding heart, flight-or-fight. Panic, panic, panic.
I'm guessing this is another part of CPTSD. Seems like amygdala hijacking whilst I am sleeping. Its like a mad race to try to solve, fix, save a desperate situation and i never can get to that part where it is resolved and dealt with and i can now relax.
I am always on edge. I've felt that way for as long as i can remember, since I was 5. Always panicked, always worrying, always anxious, scared, always worrying about how i should be feeling, reacting, talking, behaving....no way of being ever gave me peace within my family - they were too dysfunctional to even have a consistent type of dysfunction. And there were too many of them to try to always appease anyway - one demanded a certain way of being, then another would demand a different one that contradicted the other person's so i'd always be at risk of upsetting and feeling the wrath of someone. Its infuriating to realise how much pressure adults put on me; completely recklessly.

I woke up absolutely exhausted. I think I'd have felt more rest if I hadn't slept at all.

I wish I could get into meditation/yoga/breath work - maybe this will help my system feel a bit calmer? Turn off the flight or fight response?

This is a part of the CPTSD puzzle I definitely have grappled with, but never really addressed/understood and now its only recently dawning on me the full impact of.
From accepting dysfunctional people as friends, being the constant helper, to never expressing or expecting my own needs to be met at all....to feeling like i am unworthy with more stable, healthy people therefore sabotaging or not investing in those friendships.....i am beginning to see the role i played and how its been affected by CPTSD.
I can't quite believe it all.

Its like someone has put together a 10,000 piece jigsaw on the theme of friendship in my life, and the final piece has just been put in the middle, and i can see the whole picture.
Its a lot to digest, all at once.
A lot to process.
I can't believe how clearly i can see it all now.
And how much harder i made it for myself, unwittingly, unknowingly, all these years.
I can see clearly now there were so many kind, healthy people who wanted to be my friend, for example, but i didn't accept them because of either feeling unworthy, or 'they're not relatable' and not even giving them the chance. Or worse, when i was younger and haughty, that they are 'boring'.

I'm glad I'm learning but...wow.
Does anyone else have realisations that feels like being hit by  a tonne of bricks??

Day 5 of isolation.
Fever seems to have all but gone. Leg muscles and back of head still a bit achey.
I felt very queasy this morning, kind of nervous.
The anxiety and panic from a few days ago have gone thankfully, and I've managed to do the things i needed for myself which i worried i wouldn't cope with: online grocery shopping, cooking healthy meals, showering, household chores.

Another layer of this CPTSD thing is unravelling. I'm betting other people can relate to this: that feeling of almost being on a spin cycle when dealing with a new layer of trauma effects popping up: very scary and heart-pounding at first, urge to resist feeling/thinking, try to distract, all becomes too much, accept to lean into it and slowly processing it...then it feels okay. Then a sudden bam as a new layer comes up and cycle repeats.
It feels just as terrifying each time.
I'd been trying to figure this one out for a few years now. Friendships. Why it was I had mostly chaotic, one-sided friendships, which never seemed to last. How I showed up in them. Why I felt weird and otherworldly around healthier friends: insecure, less than, embarrassed, like my life held up far too starkly crazily next to what i assumed was the picture perfect ones they led which made me retreat from them.
It was me - my disturbed self image, how i related to myself, how disconnected i was to myself. I only felt 'normal' and 'okay' around chaotic friends because those types of people were the same as my caregivers, their behaviours and dynamics were what i knew.
Running away from people who were healthier because i assumed their lives were perfect - because i was insecure and afraid to be seen as less than. In reality, some of those people i DID give a chance to - they were nice, sweet, reliable but their lives sure weren't perfect. There was always some reliability at one point or another if i stuck with them long enough. But I didn't, my insecurities always got the better of me. And I wish I had now - i wish i had started all these realisations and the bravery to act on them much, much sooner.
I have a few people from childhood on social media. One i speak to every so often. But I don't really know them well. Truth be told, i can remember feeling as disconnected, unsure and undeserving from as young as 5 years old. This makes me so sad and depressed that...i had CPTSD ruling my life for so long and has made me miss out on long term friendships.

I feel like childhood friendships that last sound magical. Movies which show the characters in photos as friends since a young age, then growing up together, going through teenage years than to university and adulthood, attending each other's weddings....it makes me feel so depressed to see that. I feel like its another beautiful area of life snatched away from us. And i don't even feel regretful anymore like 'i wish i could go back and do it differently' because i distinctly remember how i felt during those formative years and beyond where the CPTSD symptoms were SO strong and paralysing, there was no way i could have done it differently. I used to try to rack my brains as a child to think of what to say or do with the other kids to bond with them, to be like them and i just couldn't get beyond the freeze state. Even if i did say something, i was so disconnected from myself, it always came out as something odd or forced and it was obvious other kids picked up on that.
The truth is, the world view we have from a young age comes from our interactions with our caregivers and siblings around us at home. Mine was disturbed from the early beginning. Friendships didn't have a chance by the time i entered school, aged 5. That was 5 years of CPTSD-forming daily life.

Throughout my 20s, thoughts would creep in to alert me about the truth in this area of my life. But I always batted them away and rationalised my situation, the chaotic friends i had, the obvious pattern of no healthy, long term, stable friendships which were two-sided. I didn't want to face up to this and feel hopeless. Recently, I've faced up to it. And it does feel depressing. And bittersweet. I have the truth, and the responsibility to accept my part to play in it to help me not continue to make the same mistakes. I no longer beat myself though when i have these realisations: why didn't i know sooner and DO something about it. Because i remember the full pain that caused these problems. I remember being the child that was filled with this pain and it is incredibly unfair of me to expect her to have figured it all out and undo all that damage by myself - it would have been impossible.
The effects of being nurtured, cared for, seen, heard can only be given by others. It doesn't matter how resourceful we are, children cannot give themselves these things. And the effects of it are so vast.
I do wish life had been different. I still remember how i used to view the girls and boys in my class in primary school and later high school....and its pretty shocking how mistrustful, suspicious, insecure, fearful and also mean my thoughts were about them. I'd immediately assume they also would degrade, berate, shun and hate me. If i did have a successful playtime with some of them, the next opportunity i might feel too scared and then shun them.
I sabotaged and ruined budding friendships without even realising what i was doing. I always felt if i did disappear from someone's life, i'd be doing them a favour and they'd breath a sigh of relief. It never occurred to me people might even care.

Argh. My thoughts are so convoluted here. I feel sad and depressed. I wish i had a few childhood friendships that have lasted. I wish i could be attending weddings of friends who i have known for decades, where there'd be other people from the past - familiar faces of a comforting time - catching up, who we all have known....but i don't have that. In the past, I've tried to hastily always work towards what i've missed out on and try to attain it now. But sometimes, that isn't possible. I do have some better friendships now. But these decades-long childhood friendships, i don't have. And maybe its okay to just sit with the sadness at missing out, and process all the emotions that come with the realisations.

All this was so beautifully written. And I am so sorry you are sick.  I hope it moves on past quickly. You're really right about how much harder everything is when CPTSD in the mix.

But mostly I want to offer a bit of comfort for the memories of your father being ill and dying. It would be beautiful to be able to embrace all that sadness. It might feel like your heart is shattering but I can't help but think it would be more like breaking free than breaking. And I hope it is ok to say I am so sorry for your heartbreaking loss and also you are lucky to have a parent worthy of that much sadness and grief. I'm sorry he is no longer with you and you had to see him suffer.

Thank you ever so much for your kind words, reading it made me burst into tears (in a positive way) as i felt the compassion and as an extension of it, felt it for myself. Yours is a beautiful way to look at it - 'more breaking free than breaking'. I read your message just before my early Zoom therapy session and it paved the way for me to open up to him about the memories.
I still get so touched by people's kindness.
The therapist surprises me with kindness beyond what I've seen from other therapists who lead with perhaps a more neutral approach - something i read in Pete Walker's book can be less effective for CPTSD where relational healing is what is most needed. He said to me he'd rather not have had next week off now as he wanted to be there to give me support and that having both COVID and the trauma stuff will be far too much of an ask to deal with by myself and to let my friends knows i'll need them more during this time. He also said so many comforting things like to make sure i am feeding myself nourishing meals and to be resting as much as i can and that 'god knows you've deserve it' and to watch whatever i enjoy.
I've never had someone be involved with the support element when i've been ill, like this. Its amazing the difference it made.
Instead of ordering unhealthy food, I made myself a vegetable mix and mushroom soup.
I watched my favourite movie and laughed a lot, at all the funny parts.
I even messaged more friends than i usually would, as he suggested, and told them i was actually struggling more mentally than with the physical symptoms.

If it helps anyone save time and money - i've tried many different types of therapy and whereas some have been quite useful, nothing has been as powerful as this current one (somatic therapy) with a therapist who knows in-depth about the nervous response and the 4F responses, what trauma does to the body, etc.
He has taught me to bring my attention to the vagal response in my body - often in my breathing, restless legs, queasy tummy, painful pressure on the back of my head and painful lump in throat feeling. Feeling it, allowing myself to feel rooted to the ground underneath me through my feet, placing my hand on my heart as i bring attention to how i feel and comfort the child in me who went through so much horror.

I'm so grateful for this website too, its such a safe, secret space for me and everyone who responds is so kind 

That's a very, very big deal. You were able to stay present and have self compassion and provide care and nurturing to yourself. We all know that even though that sounds normal it is devastatingly hard.

Thank you Armee  It really is a task when it wasn't modelled to you. Like I realised I just used to shut my eyes and hope to fall asleep and ignore all my immediate physical needs when ill or when needing to go to the toilet and didn't realise how much of this was just autopilot behaviour from when I was very, very young. I've been actively working against it and it becomes nice after a while...I look forward to having the need that i can then meet and feel the comfort of, after.

Today I carried it on as best I could. Turns out my muscle aches and fever are due to COVID; had a positive lateral flow test today. Had a tough few hours when flashbacks/trauma things in general came up which I'm still working through in therapy and had panic moments that i can't do both...be ill and harbour all the trauma memories and feelings and my mind started spinning and racing...thoughts started to spiral and tough memories came up which i could barely muster the courage to face so i did my best to distract myself with movie..then burst into tears at night.
Sometimes it feels like everything bad we experience in life will be doubly bad when our symptoms are in full flare up...being ill isn't just being ill, its also feeling even more powerless, exhausted expending energy trying to manage flashbacks and getting little rest from sleep which is fraught with bad dreams and difficult emotions that we have less reserves to simply deal with the present problem at hand: less energy to use to look after ourself and to fight the symptoms of being ill, less mental reserves to withstand the frustration/isolation/stress that being confined to your bed will cause and so on and so forth. No, CPTSD will always need feeding first and if it isn't fed, it will get angry, hungrier and louder. Almost menacingly so. Or at least, that's how it feels. And I know, mostly it wants to be fed compassion, kindness, self-care but the circular thing with it all is CPTSD by its very nature makes us less likely to know how to do the very things it wants from us in order to be fed and satisfied. Its like all the bad coping mechanisms we use instead can be likened to the effects of junk food: the more of them we feed CPTSD, the more likely to is to suffer the bad effects such as a sugar crash, addiction, low moods.....this can take on the flavour of bad dreams, flashbacks - both emotional and images, jittery amygdala.... Come to think of it, this is a pretty good analogy. It might be helpful to write a list all the 'good foods' for CPTSD - the things to feed to healthily versus the bad stuff....things such as talking kindly to myself, being nurturing versus ignoring needs, self criticism etc.

On a positive note, my therapist emailed back to say we could have our session via zoom tomorrow morning, so at least i have that extra bit of support still. I can talk to him about the flashbacks today Being young and seeing my beloved Dad ill. Seeing the cancer spread and emaciate him over time. I wish beyond belief I could have just one more precious day with him, to hug him, to bring him a cup of tea, to let him know i love him.
I don't want to push away his memories anymore. Even the painful ones. He was real, and is my dad and everything he went through was real. I want to go towards them and process them and have his memory be a part of me, instead of some foreign scary chunk of me which i have split off and try to steer clear of, out of fear. I'm terrified of what the emotions will do to me, if i face them. All the things I witnessed back then were too much, too heartbreaking for me. If I go towards them, will my heart actually shatter...will I shatter and not be able to continue anymore?

I'm proud of myself. Did a bit of reparenting today and...it worked!
I'd come down with some kind of bug earlier. Had a headache, muscle aches, runny nose and hot and cold flushes. I went to bed and sweated profusely, and had very rushed dreams and racing thoughts in between the broken sleep.
I woke up pretty exhausted and drenched in sweat. And started having that familiar feeling of panic when I am unwell, like when  was younger, and no-one was there to comfort or help or mop me up. I went into freeze state,feeling like i couldn't even go for a wee.
But then i reminded myself...i am not there anymore. And now I DO have ability and tools to help myself. So I spoke to myself like I would my niece or nephew when helping them...very softly, comfortingly, and went to relieve my bladder, and have a refreshing shower. Got myself a fresh pair of pyjamas and applied lotion. Then made myself some soup and drank water.
It sounds so normal and not a big deal. But it is for me, somehow. When you're used to being made to feel like a burden on a normal day, being ill takes it up a notch and always leaves me feeling even more powerless, helpless, alone, scared and like i need to minimise as much as possible on the days i needed the nurturing the most. I would freeze and try to stay out of sight. No-one would take me for a hot bath, or bring me a warm meal or hot water bottle. All these things I learnt in adulthood.

So, this is me doing all those things for myself and my inner child to treat myself differently, to do it a better way, to prioritise my needs and health and self-care.
And it worked! I feel so much calmer, fresher and less anxious about being ill. 

There's a particular abrupt waking up process that happens to me every so often, I'm dreaming of hectic scenes, with lots of things happening and emotions flying high, then suddenly there's a sharp 2 knocks on the door which jerks me awake. It sounds so real but when I wake up, i realise the knocks were in the dream. It feels so jarring and scary - who is at the door? what do they want? why can I never finish the emotional journeys of the dreams and get to the end of them, where they are resolved? It feels like they get caught up tight in my chest, never seen all the way through, not fully processed, no-one comforting me through them.
Sigh.
It feels so heavy on my chest and fluttery and nerve wracking in my stomach. I'm tired just thinking about going through it.

Well, I got through the day. I ended up cancelling on everything because it was a 'everything is way too much and not just something to push through' kinda day.
I went for a little walk though, and my friend called me, and that helped.
Cleaned the flat too and now resting with a cup of tea.
I feel like a failure because I've felt so bad all day and couldn't get out of it. Which seems so silly. I wish it wasn't so difficult just to allow myself to feel bad/have a bad day without it then developing into feeling...out of control, scary, doomed. Its just a feeling afterall.
But no. I could barely concentrate on tv, i really had to drag myself to clean - usually a chore I enjoy and get relief out of, but not at all.

My close friends are coming to stay with me tomorrow.
We have lots of lovely things planned. And we are all open with our struggles so I know I don't have to fake happiness either, thank god.
Now I'm kinda excited.

Just....the thoughts still niggle away and scare me - do days like today mean I am doomed? What if i am never capable of having a family because of days like that? Days like today push me right back into...not being able to trust people, not being able to connect, or even be present. No-one wants a partner like this..?