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Hello sceal,

if it's okay to say (I'm almost new-old to this site) To say that I do understand. The awfulness of the Day is shared here with you hope you feel better soon

Take care

The thing is, that it doesnt matter, none of it matters, people don't matter. Unless they do, and there is the thing. Who matters is, for us, a choice.


Find these words resonating with me.

i can.  i've always been the one to ask others how they are, but have rarely been asked that first.  still, i wanted the contact, so i went out of my way to get it by asking about someone else's welfare.  i think i always made sure that i looked 'together' enough that people believed i was fine.  i didn't let them see my pain, nor did i routinely ask for help/support.  the times i did ended up with the conversation turned onto the other person somehow, and i found my issues lost in the midst of supporting them once more.

in later years i've had several people ask after my well-being, but i think it was mostly after i got very sick and it was pretty obvious.  now, the only people i keep in my life are the ones who have made it very clear that they care about what's going on with me.  that adds up to 2.  the rest are friends, are ok with hearing if i'm having a problem, but don't really get into the details with me. 

i've even had t's who haven't asked.  i don't think a lot of people want to get into the grim realities of the lives of others.  not all, but a lot.  so be it.  it's why i spend a lot of time here.  this is a place where people do care.  and i'll take it.  i don't know what the answer is, just that i can relate.  love and a big hug, shankara.

@sanmagic7 thank you for your words here... it's been a long time and I just couldn't remember my old profile Name shankara plus password and I'm back as Rani. This has been a very very long and painful journey and I'm still failing and adjusting/adapting, failing again and crawling back up again like many other people. When it comes to relationships my felt sense of self has tweaked a bit, but then again I fall back into old cobwebs struggling to move out of distorted thinking. I still have this strong tendency to leave everything behind, and start new. Cut people off, get a new identity and press ,,re-start", it's another trauma response, it's nothing new and today I woke wanting to change my phone number... maybe something triggered me a bit.. still working and it never really ends.

Dear Bach,

Im sorry if I'm invading your Diary from nowhere.. sorry you are feeling that way, I Do relate to those, if I may say : Apocalyptic mind states. I'm listening and sending support

Rani

It's hard to live, today.. tomorrow and all the tomorrows following.. I'm standing in the bus, and I shouldn't cry because, because it's embarrassing. I haven't got the inner architecture to make it in this life, it's of no use, just quit... she says. She says because she is in fear because my mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in August, because there's so much enmeshment between me and my mother that needs distinction, where is me and where is my mother? Her prognosis is luckily a good one, yet there is an enormous amount of Grief unloading, I feel I need to save her once again, she decides, she makes her own decisions, I don't have to, I don't have to carry that burden.

Thank you @Marta... much appreciated! Wishing you a good Day

Almost new to this site, and shouting out a hello.. if anyone is reading. I’ve been here, but I can’t remember my previous profile name, so I’m starting again as a newbie. The title „sense of snow“ I’ve used before on another trauma website, but when dealing with relational/developmental trauma, I felt the need to be in a more specific domain. Sense of snow is one of my favorite novels, as I used to identify with smilla  the main character of the Story.
I‘m a woman in her late 30‘s from South Asia. Growing up on an island, in a very strong patriarchal and conservative society, people being marginalized depending on their caste. My mother married a violent, alcoholic man which meant that he kept beating her regularly, also through her pregnancy, the first one ending in a miscarriage. So while she was pregnant with me, she was exposed to violence almost everyday, it took her a few years to get out of that marriage, and we kept leaving places in order to find a safe home. Divorced woman were seen as sinners in the early/mid 80s so our reality was about surviving Day after Day. My mother then met a man who was mentally ill, and came up with ideas like leaving me with random people so that they can travel the world. my mother fearing this man was unable to stand up to him, I was also sexually abused by one or two men I was staying with.
I grew up in different schools and catholic boarding schools. We used to travel a lot later on, and I landed in Germany in the mid 90s.. I lived a very isolated life in my teens due to my mentally ill step father and depressed mother. Somewhere around 2002 I began with therapy, and like many others, I’m still walking that road..

Thank you Marta for the Welcome. Just searching my way through the forum. Not much seems to be going on these days here... but I hope to have good and nourishing talks with others here.

Hello Humans,

I've been here a few years ago, but I've completely forgotten the access details to my old email account ect. Words don't always come easy to me so I will keep it short.
Dealing with aftereffects,  growing up with a violent alcoholic father, mentally ill caregiver, sexual abuse and living in different boarding schools.

Looking forward to share and learn.
Thank you