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[Content Warning:]

Content Warning: Pretty much all of them but as I say later, I try not to go into too much detail.

I don't know if this is where to put this. It is about childhood.

Through laziness and exhaustion, I'm going to paste what I wrote in a more general advice area. I was writing for a specific forum so I'm not sure if that comes through.

I may have explained C-PTSD incorrectly or maybe it is more that I explained it as myself...

Following is the paste:

[Content warning: pretty much will tick all of the boxes but I will try to avoid going into detail]

I'm not sure how to phrase most of this.

Basically most of my childhood and a lot of my adolescence is a blank. I've become an expert at blocking out even the smallest upset so that even now in adulthood something huge can pop out of left field from a year or so ago. Those I experience in a "standard" post-traumatic stress disorder flashback. Visuals and body sensations mostly with the words remembered but not always heard. Physically I either go into panic or I shutdown and dissociate. Usually the latter.

I remember a lot of physical, emotional, and mental abuse in childhood and those along with sexual abuse in adolescence and then "easing off" as I went through my early twenties. I'm mostly safe now although having said that, this year has been remarkably tough.

*

My point is that I seem to get "emotion/sensation" flashbacks which I can't place to a memory or an occurrence but which stretch back to childhood. C-PTSD can involve a lot of these... weirder flashbacks, the ones which appear to have no context.

Two I know have happened since I was a pre-teen are the bodily sensations and fear I have surrounding an uncle and a cousin.

I'm worried my mind might be making false connections. I do recall feeling like this cousin who was probably close to a decade my elder seeming to... leer at me when I was about ten. His room was filled with porn mag pull-outs and I saw all of them when I was younger than that. Still not sure why I was allowed in his room with all that around.

With the uncle, I can't explain it. He's self-diagnosed bipolar but I know and have known many with bipolar and he's not the only uncle I have. He's the only one I get these feelings from, however.

*

They are like my skin is crawling inside and out. It can be that there's a sensation of being maybe held? Around the upper arms? Sometimes I feel sick and often I start to dissociate when it kicks in. Sometimes it feels like somebody might be on me but not crushing me. I remember being frightened of the attic in my first childhood house that I remember but not why. Only that the uncle slept there when he needed to stay with the family for a while.

Then there's this indescribable "certainty" that somebody babysitting me in that house showed me or wound up letting me accidentally see porn, back when I was about five. I remember blonde women. Except the part of the house the memory tries to place that in doesn't make sense so I can't trust it.

*

I was about to launch into a bunch of other fragments and points which might add up to suspicious circumstances. I realised that was pointlessly upsetting for others and tiring for myself.

*

What I want to ask is if people agree when a doctor says "It's better that you don't remember,"?

For me, I'm not sure. I am constantly guilty about my friends who remember for a fact about sexual child abuse. I feel my emotion-sensation flashbacks and thoughts are... completely selfish and disrespectful, even though I tend not to talk to them about it. Even their being in my head makes me feel horrible and cruel because I can't be sure. Like I'm always competing with others in there.

I hate that. It's hard to ignore as I wind up ruminating a lot and I'm too ill to work. I try hard to focus on other things but some days are worse than others.

I bought a DBT book with about 225 worksheets and asked my carer to print me out a distress tolerance booklet. I see a psychologist, will be receiving help from autistic spectrum related support workers, and have my first drop in visit with the city's resource centre for people with AS and HFA (diagnosed Asperger's recently). So there's all that.

*

Again, I'm not sure whether or not it is better to not know when I keep getting all these flashbacks. Maybe I should simply stick with learning to ride them out. I guess that's what the doctors who have said this mean?

Has anybody been in a similar situation? What did you do? What's your opinion? Have you tried DBT? Are there any resources you'd suggest?

Thanks.

End of paste. Same questions to you folk, I suppose. I feel really queasy and so I might be coming off as curt. I don't mean to be.

I'll come back to this but rigid this/that thinking is actually common in Aspergers though it has different ways of presenting than in, say, BPD.

I've got to go out and such, was just checking but felt the need to clarify that for now. Thanks for the response.

EDIT: Oh bother, I read your sentence wrong. So my response is now: thanks for the clarification.

I'm not saying that should be the choice that you make.

I'm about 90% sure it is the decision I have also come to, actually. I've tried to make that choice int the past but before I inevitably came to the point where I was lonely. I am not sure if it is the probable Aspergers -- can't believe I am still waiting for the evaluation! -- but the sad thing is I have only been able to believe (falsely) that another person understands me if I have been physical with them and are now in a relationship. If I am diagnosed I'll have access to services through which I might meet people who understand me to a decent point without me feeling like I have to... give me to them. Ugh. I don't know where it came from.

if what I've written triggered you in any way

Not at all. I'd say I have odd triggers in the sense that where you would imagine some would be if you knew me there is just nothing there and where you wouldn't expect it I get all weird. Usually I tend not to get triggered online unless it's an article going in depth about various people, etc. or it is an abusive message. I'm lucky.

I'm not sure if you see it but from what I can see you've come a long ways in understanding, accepting and moving out of a painful break up.

Maybe and maybe not. Just sent a long letter to his mother, the only one he'll listen to, explaining in a hopefully polite matter all of what was worrying. It's written in a tone of concern for him, which is truthful. I also assure her I don't want to talk to him again so there's no worry of that, also true.

I felt it was important to warn of the manners in which I don't see a crime but which others most possibly could. I state that for me, I had no reason to report anything because I did not feel... well, the necessary emotions for that, but it is concerning that he might meet somebody who will feel differently.

Started with small concerns, worked up to the big ones, explained how I thought she could help and how it is difficult to tell how your adult children are at all time, and then just went through the scenarios of the letter and the fact that I'm willing to face all the consequences to what I consider the right thing to do.

She already assumed I was autistic when she met me and I haven't had angry messages from her or her daughter like other exes did in the past. I hope this means she will not think I mean any harm.

I don't know. It could be seen as harassment due to that night I sent angry messages to him at some point but I apologised on the phone for that and established no contact, blocking him everywhere. I hope anybody with sense will see I'm trying to help. On the other hand, I suppose a charge of harassment would be unlikely if certain issues might find it backfiring on you.

So the worst is I get a bunch of squallers and I block them and he doesn't get the help he actually needs.


I'm not sure why I care. I have no intention of talking to him, I don't think I like him very much, but I apologised for him quite a bit and it's sent in the spirit of making one of the major people in his life hopefully aware of issues he has and could face.

It might be a sense of duty. I have been whining that nobody will stand up and speak when I need it, yet I wasn't doing so here. There's the argument of whether I had the "right" to do so, even if I was concerned. My very drunk friend (who types ridiculously well when out of his box and has a Masters in Creative Writing) was warning me and I thought it was to do with ethics. It turned out he actually saw nothing wrong in what I was doing or why, merely was worried that I didn't know what trouble I could get into.


Most people will say what I did was wrong and it has nothing to do with me anymore. I can't really respond to that further than a shrug and say that my moral compass sets my way and it wasn't intended as malicious.

I don't think I will regret it any time soon; it took me hours to type out.

[A Perfect Circle]

Some minor contact and a whole lot of fuss has happened.

He basically refuses to believe he could ever have me not understand him even though he kept telling me about muddling his words and his assertion that Aspergers is almost definite in me. It's like he lives in two separate realities at the same time.

I also learned a few things from an ex or two which just... no. I won't go into it because I gave the link for this forum to the one ex of his I won't speak to now. I made that decision due to knowing I wouldn't be able to hold my tongue on a few matters. Let them know this before blocking on FB.

He proposed not talking for 9 months then maybe be acquaintances after greeting me at the next gaming convention then perhaps friends after several years. I told him that would not work for me, that the length of time would burn bridges in my mind, and if that was his decision then I would have to go no contact for good due to protecting my own mental stability. He'd been talking down to me and angry the whole conversation due to me having been angry-texting one night (I fully apologised for this at the start of the hour+ long convo and asked if there was anything I was missing, any point I needed to address; he never mentioned anything). As I was going he immediately switched from tyrant to "caring" with what sounded like the most fake and patronising voice, tell ME that he hoped I would find help through therapy.

Tried to keep a level voice as I told him that I hope he'd find out who he is through his and got this again fake-sounding and wistful "Me too".


Originally thought C-PTSD and FLEAS. Doubting it now. I was frustrated and... okay, really furious for a few days afterwards. Then I became almost obsessed about somehow working out how to explain the issues I was seeing and giving my compromise scenarios.

Then I listened to a lot of songs from the Thirteenth Step album by A Perfect Circle as well as "3 Libras" and "Passive".

It dawned on me: they fit perfectly and nearly every song on the album is a huge warning sign. That album is all about, as you can read in footnote [1]:

"The songs on Thirteenth Step for the most part are about the various processes of addiction, behavioral addictions, chemical addictions, and each song is kind of sung from a different perspective. I've a lot of friends who've gone through a lot of these situations. Some of the songs are sung from the perspective of the actual drug, from the perspective of someone who has realized that they have an issue or a problem, also from the perspective of a person who realizes that if they don't do something they're going to die, a song from the perspective of a person who is in denial about a loved one, dying right before their eyes. And in the case of "The Outsider", it's sung from the perspective of a person who doesn't understand at all what their friend is going through, what their loved one is going through, and they think that it's more like a sprained ankle; they can just kind of walk it off."

When you look at the lyrics of certain songs, there's a way I can explain. I think, however, the two I mentioned outside of that fit. I'll show you the main parts as maybe you can appreciate finding... truth in music.



Passive [2] (In concept it doesn't seem so far from the songs on the album I mentioned, will have to look up)

Wake up (can't you) and face me (come on now),
Don't play dead (don't play dead)
Cause maybe (because maybe)
Someday I'll (someday I'll) walk away and say, "You f-----g disappoint me!"
Maybe you're better off this way

Go ahead and play dead
I know that you can hear this
Go ahead and play dead
Why can't you turn and face me?
Why can't you turn and face me?
Why can't you turn and face me?
Why can't you turn and face me?
You f-----g disappoint me!

3 Libras [3] This is the whole song actually. Fits ridiculously well. As in so much that it was a punch in the stomach. And you know? He's a Libra. Three Libras, all the damn masks. I'm not entirely sure of the real interpretation except maybe fame.

Threw you the obvious and you flew with it on your back,
A name in your recollection, down among a million same.
Difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed, and passed over
When I've looked right through, see you naked but oblivious.

And you don't see me.

But I threw you the obvious, just to see if there's more behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel, eyes of a tragedy.
Here I am expecting just a little bit too much from the wounded
But I see, see through it all, see through, see you.

'Cause I threw you the obvious, to see what occurs behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel, eyes of a tragedy, oh well.

Oh well, apparently nothing.
Apparently nothing, at all.

You don't, you don't, you don't, see me.
You don't, you don't, you don't, see me.
You don't, you don't, you don't, see me.
You don't see me.
You don't, you don't, you don't see me at all.

I promise to go through your response because you took the time to write it and there's likely something there. I don't know, I have a headache and the neighbours have almost caused me to go into a furious autistic-like meltdown two days in a row. It's almost as bad as misophonia. It's draining me.


Anyway, hands washed of him. Not even wanting to compromise anymore. I gave all the chances and got rubbish in return. So if he has the delusion to come to try to shake my hand next year, I'm walking away to another area of the convention without a word at all. I don't know if it's fair but once I finally reach the breaking point, it's done. I spend so much energy trying to at least meet people halfway, everybody in fact, even in minor situations because I just don't function neurotypically either because of the spectrum or something else. I get eaten through every day not only by C-PTSD but also that. I think that it is fair to draw the line.

The way he treated me, the things I see in a now balanced light rather than ignoring them for the sake of loving him, the matters I've been told about by others, observations of his life when we were together... it has combined and I think the space for him in my heart has shriveled and turned black.

Do I think that will ever change? I don't know but according to my history of people... no.


Sorry for the downer, hope you might like the music if you can handle alternative rock.


[1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thirteenth_Step
[2] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oMe4kVNKvNk
[3] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EoqXDPbivFs

[Low contact]

Hello C. 

Thank you for your kind and useful words. I'm a bit drained so I'm going to answer the questions you've directed to me and a thought on one statement, but I did read all of your post.

And not knowing something is a huge trigger for me so I think I understand your anxiety around the unknown and what to expect after this break up.  You talk about what he is doing.  But, assuming this relationship is over, what do you want for you?  Not what he does, but you.

Well, in a way that concerns him still, he runs roleplay games and is a hub for gamers, etc. If I can remain friends it is far easier to engage in tabletop and card games because a) I find it hard to make new friends, and b) new contacts will likely be male and the group in Edinburgh have a tendency to work out if a female is single and if they can make a move. At one convention while single I was asked "How does a beautiful gamer like you manage to stay single?" At that time I really thought I had lost desire in men (desire for women never goes but for men it fluctuates) so I said there weren't enough breasts. It got a laugh and then he did that "I have friend who's a lesbian" thing. It was funny.

I wouldn't want to remain friends just for that. There's also the spiritual/magick connection and ability to talk openly about that with somebody, as well as shared interests, intellect, etc. I really wish we had simply been close friends and hadn't got together. His positive side, which is generally all his friends see, is perfect for a platonic companionship.

He was one of the two people I felt I could talk to and the other actually doesn't understand me much. In a selfish way, I don't want to lose the ability to vent out the weirder issues.

I suppose that's what he does but that's the selfish parts of why I want to stay friends. It might sound like I'm starstruck but I was not like this with the other two - he was actually somebody I matched with. It's a shame that we ruined it with a relationship. The above is what I would gain from him.


For me, I simply want to not hurt like this and to regain the tenuous concentration I did have. Therapy and working on myself is a big one, then getting past the agoraphobia, being able to make friends, getting involved with the local gaming community, writing, esp. writing for games.

I'm on disability benefits, have never worked, and, as a high school dropout, I've been out of education properly for about a decade. I managed around a month or two of college (UK terminology) but burned out. Although this may sound defeatist, I don't think I will have a stable job ever. I would like to do random bits for games and get paid, but making a career out of that is extremely difficult. Still, I'd like to try to attend University anyway one day, for the knowledge itself. But before all that, I want my benefits to be sorted out properly so I can take Japanese classes.

I do have plans which sometimes seem further away than usual. This setback only made them appear impossible during the first few days, or if I go wobbly. I feel they are realistic if taken slowly but also ambitious enough not to be... a waste.

I'm not sure if this is what you were asking.

5.   Should I be friends with this person?
Do you think that you could be friends right now and feel ok about that?  Not have expectations of reuniting?  What would friends look like to you?  From what you've described of his response and your pain it seems that could be difficult right now.

I'm more wondering it he sounds like a friend who could be healthy in himself. I'm unsure.

As for expectations of reuniting, no. Maybe hopes but I wouldn't think it would happen, partially because I know how he spoke of exes and have spoken to exes he is friends with. As well as that, when I think about it objectively, I'm more 65/35 about wanting it and that keeps dropping. I could only see myself fully wishing for it after he's had a year or two of therapy (same with me) and I'm supposing that by that time it would be a different place. I also would not want to mess up the chance of getting to play tabletop. It's silly I should be so focused on that and it is, as I said, not the main reason, but it would matter so much to me that I truly believe it would override silliness.

I could be okay enough with it as I have a plan of contact: low, medium, full friends. Low contact remains online and at first might only have to do with projects or even simply knowing they are there. I probably wouldn't start conversations if my questions have been answered. I'm pretty sure I told him that would be needed before friends. That's too ensure no weird messages.

Medium contact is when you can meet up in neutral areas (neither's house), starting of with making sure it is only with at least one other friend. No restaurants together alone, not even cafés. Eventually medium contact ramps up to having friends round at one another's houses, but you leave before the last person does. This contact can be kept for as long as wanted, needed, or perhaps it stays like that, though that's awkward friendship to me.

Full friends is when you can go bowling with just you and the other person, even be at their house with them alone. That takes ages though, I imagine, and you have to avoid stuff like drinking, etc.

I wrote a whole blog post on my view of post-relationship contact, actually.  (the only laugh smiley seems over the top)

Friends would mean being there to chat when the other person has nobody else to get it out to, being there to offer advice, sending links to things the other person would find cool. That's about it, I suppose and the first two would be at low levels during low contact. I suppose I'm too systematic.

7.   With this small amount of information, is he acting normally or is my carer right in that he is beginning to verge towards cruel?
He sounds angry.  Trust your gut if you can so to speak.  What do you think?

I don't know. He does have the ability to hold strong grudges and be quite vindictive but the instances I've witnessed don't really add up to what occurred in our relationship unless his rather strong paranoia has taken over. I don't believe I did anything wrong apart from being ill during the relationship and then my shameful spiral. I didn't even say too much that was terrible, surprisingly, and he surpassed me in "insults".

So if he's paranoid then who knows? He could view me as some kind of Gorgon for... some complex and half-fabricated reason.

If he isn't, I think he's more angry at my honest making him feel guilty, which I don't intend to do.

I don't even know if he's angry though, that's the thing. He's not acting in a way I had anticipated. I'm trying to think of other emotions. Just guilt in himself misdirected? Really unsure. 

8.   If he doesn't answer at all, meaning likely that he doesn't care, how stupid would it be to send a text to see if he read the response and why would it be stupid/not stupid?
You mention that he felt criticized from the video.  Another reason he might not respond would be to avoid pain and/or because for him this relationship is done.  How would you feel if he doesn't answer the text?

Angry, mostly at what I would consider a lack of empathy/compassion. I know this is me slipping backwards in my self-imposed training but if I had to vigorously teach myself how to do right by others and he had 7 - 8 years on me then it's less easy to forgive without knowing the reasons for certain.

I would rather he respond by telling me to stop contacting for good than to say nothing at all. Of course, a response saying he'll look and answer is the ideal.

9.   How do I get closure if I need answers and he won't give any? I've heard "just stop thinking about it" and "time" as responses already but they don't help me in the here and now.
Again, the challenge and anxiety of the unknown.  What are processes that work for you?  Writing?  Recording? Poetry?

I've been doing some poems. Wrote out the background of a horror story but can't get into it because of the emotion. Started a blog but it's moving slowly for the same reason. Going to try to get out with friends soonish even though agoraphobia is not being great. Got out to see a Titan Arum.

My flatmate/carer suggested the cinema but that's scary for some reason. If a few people said bowling then I'd really try to go.

I was also trying to arrange a group to game with but they are scatterbrained and my carer hasn't helped yet. I don't want to push him on it because of his burnout.

11.   Why won't he tell me to go away if he doesn't like me?
Because he also doesn't want to hurt you.

To me, that's really, really, really stupid. a) you don't like the person, and b) there's a million and one ways to tell them not to contact and almost half are compassionate. I hope this is not the case because I find it a little daft. Then again, I'm one to tell people what I think, though I've learned to do it nicely. Sometimes I slip but I know it is better to be blunt than kind. Cruelty has no place in that saying.

14.   Should he be keeping the diagnoses he knows and the one he was as certain as I was in mind when dealing with me?
Not sure I understand this question.

Well, now that he is not a partner but an apparently intended friend, should he not first consider my diagnoses and the one he himself is certain of while he's responding? I tried my hardest to alleviate any concerns of accusations as I know his anxiety and paranoia, but they're more ingrained than I had imagined.

I hope that you have or are looking in to therapy?

Got a psychologist, psychiatrist, should be getting help from social work, and if I'm diagnosed I will have access to an autistic adults service here in my city which has... well, lots of useful groups and support sources. Unfortunately my psychologist says that we should wait until after the assessment to begin therapy proper and we don't know when they will see me. I do have a checkup appointment with her soon so maybe I'll find out if she knows how long it will take - actually irrationally frightened that she'll tell me that she's changed her mind for now.

Currently looking anywhere for self-help and outlets, though during dangerous times have considered a stay at the Crisis Centre. Really though, I couldn't handle that as they'll want to talk a lot and I don't have much to say, or at least anything I haven't said a million times by now. I also hated it when the Crisis Team were visiting my house: loads of different doctors, nurses, and a psychiatrist appearing and asking me the same old questions.


Anyway Thanks again for the response and I hope I wasn't too confusing.

[Story in bullet points to try to keep it as quick as possible:]

Story in bullet points to try to keep it as quick as possible:

• I'm 25 genderfluid, sex female and he is 32 male
• knew him a bit before
• together for a year
• dumped day before anniversary because he "couldn't deal his issues" or I "was too much" or both
• said we would "talk in a few days" when steering me out the flat
• I had to prompt that by asking what sort of time scale that was after I sent a huge apology and got a short answer which said I wasn't hated, was "still cared for", "we" both needed space, and that he hoped to be friends again "someday though it would be difficult or unlikely"; I still don't know if he meant it would be hard for both people, him, or me
• he told my flatmate we'd start talking again in a couple of months, maybe sooner
• my flatmate is also my unofficial carer and knows all of the sudden life stressors which are piling on so once or twice asked ex to get in touch with small amount of encouragement as I felt I needed it
• first time "the internet was out" for about a week and he didn't get the message but I was feeling better so I said he wasn't to worry
• second time it was simply ignored
• I may have Aspergers and recently learned that people can become fixations as much as hobbies; this worries me due to aspects of C-PTSD
• it's been about a month, not a long time to a stable person, but ages for me
• I won't go into detail as it is not allowed and I will seek help but self-destructive behaviours have been present
• a few days ago I sent a video in which I was going for self-closure as he was ignoring a lot and my stable carer said it was getting a "little bit [expletive]" though my carer didn't go too much into detail
• I wasn't sure what it was going to be but it would up being a calm, honest, blunt, but not intended to be mean discussion of the issues he shows and some of his friends see, and how he has been help-resistant for years
• I also mentioned my own problems, told him that while I still loved him I knew a relationship was impossible, and that I wanted to be friends but couldn't if he was not able to face his problems eventually
• my carer is a mutual friend/acquaintance of my ex and okay'd my script
• my judgement of time and my abandonment issues are severe and my ex knows this, as well as knowing many people have deserted me due to my illnesses without warning
• my ex didn't answer for days until I had a panic attack the evening after arguing neighbours gave me an emotional flashback and I sent a message asking for permission to talk

Although the 50min video covered a lot of areas to do with him, myself, what had went on, things I thought might help if he looked into them, all the said was:

Okay I watched the video. Have you said everything you need to say for closure? Finding it hard to look at anything in that video as "nice". I've never claimed to be well, it may be more than depression and anxiety, there's a family history of bipolar so maybe that. I'm getting help, or at least waiting in the system until I get help. When we got together I thought I was getting better (wishful thinking) but I had only changed enough of my life to be happier, I should have been getting therapy then but I was telling myself I was getting better. I've been putting it off for years because it scares me, that's kinda obvious though.

[a little bit where he defends himself against a small rumour brought up by an ex who mentioned it out of the blue to me]

I had warned him before watching that it would be blunt but it was intended to be helpful. I never once said it would be nice and I've pointed out that his imposed no-contact with me was not nice either but he felt he needed to do it, just as I felt compelled to do this.

As for the closure bit, I said no because of the trigger and it showing me I was obviously not prepared for him to be out of my life for good, at least not yet. I explained why I felt I needed to do it (the silence causing me to act in uncontrollable manners and irritating everybody around me).

I understand that seeking therapy can be scary, of course, but this is the first time he's pointed it out. He said it should be obvious but the thing is, it won't be to everybody and if I have Aspergers, it might go towards me not having considered that in relation to him. Sometimes you have to tell me something straight and simple because I tend to miss it. I think that may be an empathy issue? Should I get a diagnosis I will be provided with structured therapy and resources for that.

The bipolar... maybe a milder form such as cyclomania would fit. I know people on various parts of the bipolar spectrum. To me, having stayed with him at his house a fair bit, his moods always appeared to be situation-dependent. I'm not a doctor though and hope that he will get answers.



I responded to this with an indepth reply, first making sure to apologise that it had made him feel bad but clarifying that it was unlikely to make him happy and I thought I had explained. I gave some resources, attempted to kindly clarify some points, explained why I had texted, and explained that one of the main issues keeping me from closure was the lack of answers, specifically the ones about how he felt about me.

I told him I would need him to tell me to stay out of his life and that he didn't care, or that he did want to be friends and though not sure of the timescale [fuzzy min and fuzzy max]. To make sure he realised I knew this sounded strange, I attempted to explain that I can't seem to comprehend the vague time phrases people made and that to understand, cope, and close issues I need to investigate them and then file them away. I'm sure this will come up at the autism spectrum assessment.



Anyway, I sent that 24 hours ago and while I know that's no time at all, I have some questions:

• I have tried to do everything my friends and the internet has suggested to take my mind off matters; do you think you have any unconventional advice on how to deal with it?
• I don't know how much is the C-PTSD and how much is the probable Aspergers. Although I suppose it isn't that important, I'm sort of looking for thoughts on that?
• I should expect him not to answer, right?
• How long do you suppose it might take if he is going to, on an uninformed guess?
• Should I be friends with this person?
• I know I have not been decent, pestering him when the C-PTSD panic has taken over; I'm yet to receive therapy though and I'm trying my hardest - am I a bad person?
• With this small amount of information, is he acting normally or is my carer right in that he is beginning to verge towards cruel?
• If he doesn't answer at all, meaning likely that he doesn't care, how stupid would it be to send a text to see if he read the response and why would it be stupid/not stupid?
• How do I get closure if I need answers and he won't give any? I've heard "just stop thinking about it" and "time" as responses already but they don't help me in the here and now.
• Online people said he had merely stated friends so as not to be cruel; people who knew him felt it was unlikely. That was a while ago now though - does it seem that maybe his friends were merely thinking the best of him?
• Why won't he tell me to go away if he doesn't like me?
• I think he might suffer C-PTSD too and the bipolar doesn't immediately sound as if it fits; is there anywhere online I can go to list behaviours and receive a tenuous "maybe it is this"? I wouldn't use it against him or decide it was the truth, but perhaps it could go towards me understanding.
• How long does it tend to take you to get over a bad break up and how do you personally cope? I've only loved two others before this, I'm still not over them, and they were both entirely different situations than this with much more complication. I don't remember what it was like.
• Should he be keeping the diagnoses he knows and the one he was as certain as I was in mind when dealing with me?
• Possible Aspie confusion: he's acting as if he doesn't care or even actively resents me. How could this be if it is not the case?
• What are some precise C-PTSD resources I should be looking at for this situation?

Sorry about the length and the amount of questions; I don't expect people to answer them all. I'm willing to answer anything asked of me. I'm just so confused and feel like I'm a psycho. I don't ever know what is normal to feel, say, think, do.

[Hysperger]

Wow, that really sounds awful. I'm not saying you need to do this as this will have stressed you out a great deal but is there any way to somehow report this and anybody who can do that for you if you are unable? She'll be harming many people with this and while it is definitely not up to you to save them, I would even like to assist in finding a way to at least make others aware, if not some sort of action.

I don't know what country you are in (didn't press to see your profile yet) but I'm assuming you are in the States? I guess it might be more difficult to do anything, if so.

If you can afford it, I definitely think you should keep with the original T, although I can completely understand wanting to save money. I don't think you were being stupid - you were trying to save on your cash outflow!

The therapists I have seen are all psychologists and you are right in saying they are not really supposed to make their feelings known, at least unprompted. Even then they are very careful about what they say and seem to make it as vague and tenuous as possible. Since (at least here) they can't diagnose, saying anything like that would be reckless and even a psychiatrist should be looking objectively.

As for the session length... I'm getting seen through my country's national health service which could mean they give me 6 - 12 sessions of CBT and send me on my way. They are getting less and less funding. I highly doubt that anybody with real issues will be instantly better after that, and I think many wind up seeing a community psychiatric nurse after that, who tend to be a bit more personal.

It seems like Hysperger has already helped you in self-compassion but I thought my extra post might be a bit of an added... support? I don't know, my brain's all gooey today.

[Bit of background necessary for question]

This might come out a bit garbled. Really knocked out today, maybe due to meds. Keep passing out. 

Bit of background necessary for question

• I'm in Scotland and seeing an NHS psychologist;
• I have an appointment with her soon but that's just to check up because...
• We can't really start on anything seemingly until I've had my autism spectrum assessment;
• I don't know how that will affect her plans;
• Having shifted psychologists three times now due to reasons, I've only been able to get background out;
• Current said, before possibility of Aspergers, that it should be CBT I do;
• Not knocking CBT, but I hear that the NHS version is not up-to-scratch.
• I don't know how probably being diagnosed with Aspergers will change the plan but I know some form of CBT will be necessary in that regard.

Questions

• Is CBT really enough or should there be a supplementary therapy for C-PTSD?
• If I want another therapy with CBT along with it, how do I ask the psychologist?
• I want to come to terms with what happened, not just live for today and all I've heard of CBT is not for that. How can I achieve this with the psychologist?
• How do I explain the above desire to her?
• There's so much of my memory which is blank and it is beginning to annoy me as there's currently information which would be useful for the assessment: are there no sure ways of coaxing back memories or is it generally believed to be a good idea to leave them alone?
• Does anybody have experience with Scottish NHS's standard CBT? I'm getting mixed responses from friends.
• Though I'm willing to try and see good in certain techniques, I'm still sceptical about it for myself: how badly will this affect the progress and is there any thing I can read which will help?
• After I get however many weeks of CBT from her, in terms of C-PTSD as I don't know about Aspergers, what happens then?
• How much has CBT on its own helped you and what's your opinion of how it is practiced?

[INFJ]

Thank you for sharing Nyxbean. There is an awful lot of pain in your story. I am so sorry.

I appreciate that. Just got triggered by screaming neighbours and went back from a step of progress. I really, really want to contribute to a thread or two right now so I feel I am supporting others but I'm not sure entirely how words work at this precise time. If I can't find something today, I'll try again tomorrow.

For me one of the hardest and most difficult parts of my recovery has been that I could not help anyone else I loved.

I'm not sure in what way your loved ones are unwell. I have quite a few people around me going through various mental issues, it seems like the season of triggers or something. I do try to help with words but the one I felt safe around refused to let me help him. I think I could, if in a small way while working on my own stuff, but I didn't even get the chance to try.

I'm sorry to hear that your loved ones are not well and I hope some alleviation occurs soon.

And sadly I have ended up losing most of them, but the peace I have gained has been worth the loss. All of their drama simply exacerbated my CPTSD symptoms and exhausted me.  And finding myself, and who I am, and what I want. and where I want to go is peaceful and calm, and comforting.

I can understand that. I pretty much rolled out a no-nonsense rule a few years ago. That's why I have no contact with almost all of my family and why a lot of friends left or were let go. My FB feed (agoraphobia so my only place to talk) is intense so I can understand when people tell me they have unfollowed it but they hardly ever do. Thinking of finding a whole list msg function and asking those who don't even check in to simply move on.

For myself, I think there is always going to be passionate responses, but I want them to be controlled and I want to not hurt others through them. I want the responses to matter and have purpose. I want zest, not unhelpful discord.

I am wishing you the very best on your journey to find yourself with us.

Thank you. This whole board seems to be very comforting. I'm not sure if any of my other friends have C-PTSD; it's hard to keep up with all their diagnoses. I have a friend who was originally diagnosed with it but now gets switched between Bipolar I and schizoeffective disorder along with potential dissociative identity and her newly diagnosed Aspergers. It must be hard for her to have the first two diagnoses changed so often. She really wants them to just stick to one. I think it was the Bipolar she favoured as it made more sense to her, but I can't quite remember.

Anyway, if anybody opens up because of my talking about my own, I'll direct them this way.

Hi and welcome to OOTS Nyxbean

Hello, Kizzie 

I would suggest that with so much on your plate you also need to be as gentle with yourself as you possibly can.

This definitely makes sense. If you go for the Myers-Briggs at all, I'm suppose to be INFJ, "The Counselor". So often I want to be assisting others, learning through them as they explore/heal, and generally trying to make life easier on others. It's something I take solace in because I seem to be fairly good at it. Unfortunately it may have to be taken down a few notches at the moment, which in turn makes me feel selfish and useless.

I know those feelings come from the scrambled part of my mind, depression and other issues playing their tricks, so hopefully I can get past them soon.

It sounds like you do have professional help in place and hopefully a carer, and now you've come here.

Yup, got the psychologist and psychiatrist, though I have to wait for the Aspergers screening before I can continue with actual therapy. 

If I get the diagnoses then the city's support network for autistics will be open to me, which will be wonderful.

My unofficial carer who is going through burnout is getting assessed by social workers and will get aid and maybe become official, while they will assess my needs and decide how to help.

There's a lot that I'm waiting around for. I don't even know when these are happening and already my poor carer is arguing with the social work department as they are trying to leave it all until November, putting our situation in the lowest urgency category even though it was explained to them what was going on.

I hope for my carer's sake that they at least see him soon. We're firing off each other.

If/when you have the time

I might do that once I've calmed down from recent freak out. Otherwise tomorrow. Thanks for sending me in the right directions and for welcoming me so kindly. 

[Triggered by shouting adults, crying child, and misophonic-like response to burnt out carer. Vent,]

I'm freaking out. It's so loud it could be in the flat with me:

- That loud woman was shouting and I realised EXACTLY who she sounded like (my abusive mother), so started to feel even more nauseated than I do now;

- Baby or toddler starts crying but not just crying, WAILING;

- Woman starts screaming at somebody to "Get in that room now!" causing emotional flashback and louder than before;

- Thumping, bumping, slamming, so much so that it sounds like that whole floor, other flat included, is in on it;

- Baby's crying becomes far more intense and distraught;

- Possible other, younger female voice arguing, and maybe a male;

- More shouts;

- Baby still crying but now in what sounds like helplessness, that exhausted crying you can't stop.

I call my carer in because I'm severely emotionally triggered and can't think straight. I ask him to knock on their door. He won't. I decide to get out of bed to get dressed but as soon as I lift away the blanket I feel INCREDIBLY unsafe so have to get back under them.

Mental health can't handle this. Tomorrow I'm putting a note through the door. My carer has already organised the rest of the stair to make a joint complaint and phoned the Noise Team.

I can't take these people anymore. Our landlords claim they take a nonsense approach but I don't know how many complaints they have had.

Stressed caregiver's burnout made him snappy with me and when the misophonic feelings started happening I had to cover my ears and he just spoke louder and I had to shout for him to stop which made him storm out the room.

---

This of course set me back and I said "Why, when all of life is attacking me, did my ex have to give up on me? Why didn't he talk to me properly in the relationship? Why didn't he give me a fair chance to improve? I thought I had been doing better today,".

Then floods of tears. How can I properly move on when I have constantly triggering neighbours?

I was coping with my mother's manipulation/sabotage and finding out the truth of her lies and all the medical uncertainty with my ex. If he had said he needed support or space too I WOULD HAVE HELPED. MUTUAL SUPPORT IS WHAT LOVERS DO.

So, having not read a thing about C-PTSD's abandonment fear behaviour, he took my worrying as a terrible omen and decided that he could no longer take me, pulling the entire foundations from out beneath me. Then all the rest of the stressors showing up, then carer saying he's moving out in a year, then more stressors, then silly stuff like the FB shutout my mother likely caused (had to prove my name was real), and my elderly cat yowling all the time. I can't cope. My ex at one point during the breaking up tried to claim he was making me worse; em, no. However, he amended it to say he couldn't cope with both our stuff and then blamed me for his not being able to get on the bus anymore...

I know the depression, I know the anxiety, I know the psoriasis. What else though? What else wasn't he telling me? What else does he not even see or face? Why was I instantly the worst one off, because I expressed it? Why wouldn't he let me HELP him, why did he take me on as a project and not a lover, why did he not allow me to push myself as well to make things work?

[As for me, I feel]

That sucks, Hysperger. I see it has been a little while since that post. I hope that you are doing alright. 

As for me, I feel silly but determined to try to "assess what conditions my ex and his father might have".

[Thank you for you kind welcomes, VeryFoggy and mourningdove.]

Sorry, I'm going to blab more. 

that were not resolved through cutting off contact with my NPD father

Yeah, cutting contact with anybody who is either unrepentant or simply did too much is important but it's not enough on its own. For me it was better than it might have been for others due to it never feeling like I lost anything. Gain, though, gain is important.

My ex's father sounds like a classic NPD with other tendencies (definitely violent ones) but his mother who suffered this before she escaped encourages him to continue speaking to that man. I wanted to message her about the harm that form of... apologist enabling is simply on the basis of "he's your father", but of course that would rock the boat. All I can hope for is that my ex listens to the concerns I expressed in the video I sent, actually goes to therapy, and re-evaluates his contact. He can't even say how he feels about his father so from even simply that he should take a break from speaking to him.

Sadly, both another of his exes and I see common traits shared among the two and evidence of C-PTSD in him. My ex has been tainted and has been encouraged to forgive and wave away actions in a way by his mother, who seems to be an eternal victim (always in harm's way but not on purpose or "milking it").

If he will speak to me eventually, I hope to give him resources surrounding C-PTSD if he says he is open to my ideas and will speak to them with a professional. He is a good man but what was done to him and his avoidance ruins his romantic relationships and, ultimately, will ruin him. Oh dear, mustn't cry.

(17 year relationship)

I can't even comprehend that. I've only ever managed, at most, 1.8 "years" (roughly). This one hurts so much because I thought it might be the one to break the... yeah. I have a lot of healing to do and a lot of work on empathy, communication, and social skills as I am either neurologically "lacking" or the trauma has managed to destroy my capacity. Considering my paternal family history though, Aspergers is likely. The eldest child would always be the weirdest and it was yours truly who was born first. :p

Loving my wounded child myself with my adult self helped reduce my current day pain.

This makes a lot of sense. In my life right now, as turbulent as it is, I have now been fully shown exactly what my toxic mother is and actually am now privy to some of the most serious lies and actual crimes committed. This severs any lasting ties or allowances. I've never been one who can bond purely by blood; respect must be earned and if it is lost, most of your power against me dies. I can now let my inner child know how awful it really was, how much of my behaviours were either normal kid stuff or simply potentially autistic, and that she "stole" much from me. However, I have remained child-like, even within most of my depressive states, and there's a hope in me that I can be a mature-when-needed Peter Pan. Childhood does not have to be lost, I can find an alternative version in the here and now. 

Now I am in touch with my father once more. He has taken some university-made tests and appears to actually be a borderline Aspergers case--as in, he almost fits the criteria. So, past the lies my mother told to drive us apart, I can also understand why he behaved in certain ways: he did not mean to ignore, he simply became hyper involved in what he was doing and, since nobody had thought to have him diagnosed, he wasn't aware that it's not considered acceptable.

As well as that, his remaining 6 hours away was far more important to his mental state than I had anticipated. I knew in the Highlands he was happy finding love again and being heavily into music once more, but I hadn't realised how much the city had robbed him of that, either between my overbearing mother or his own mother (who is telling everybody she is Bipolar but seems more NPD with BPD tendencies). Faced with these women and a competitive office job, I could see somebody in the BAP (broader autism phenotype) having a near-autistic burnout and depression, as well as any "typical" individual! While some might think it was selfish and point to the fact he did not take my sibling and I to Italy when he went with a new family, our mother was acting as if he had the cash whereas the family probably paid his ticket.

For my father and mother, empathy is an issue. In my father it is innocent, as simply matter of a slow cognitive process which, when questioned will bring out honest and full explanations without excuses. With my mother, she doesn't care that she is empathy-impaired. She might not even believe she is and if anybody tried to tell her, she'd shout or hit them.

I always was a Daddy's girl.

But what is a carer?

A carer is seemingly called a caregiver when not in an official capacity. People usually think of this as simply for the elderly, physically disabled, or severely mentally handicapped, but really any person who cannot live without aid should receive care. Usually if you don't fit into a specific type of condition, professional help is going to be hard to get. For instance, an agoraphobic C-PTSD sufferer  would have to fight their case harder than an autistic individual with comorbid issues, even if both people are afraid to go out alone or even use the kitchen appliances due to fear of harm.

It seems like much of the time friends and family take on the role without proper understanding and then get caregiver's burnout http://www.helpguide.org/articles/stress/caregiving-stress-and-burnout.htm. If you have anybody who looks after you or others in an unofficial capacity, you might want to pass them that link. It's very helpful.



Thank you for you kind welcomes, VeryFoggy and mourningdove. 

[e.e. cummings]

I've got a headache at the moment but I promise to come back and try to give some constructive criticism on others' poems. For some reason I find that difficult to do, perhaps because I am concerned I will be too blunt and my positive encouragement won't be enough at times.

Anyway, this is a first draft which came out in about 3 minutes. As such, it'll be rough. I wrote three poems surrounding the idea of my recent ex in one night, and after two lamenting the break up, I finally managed one which captured him more (which is what I had intended from the start).

My poems don't always have much structure or necessarily classic rhythm. Punctuation doesn't matter so much usually and grammar can sometimes do odd things. e.e. cummings is an inspiration of mine so that might give you a hint to why, though I'm nowhere near as... "experimental"?

Please let me know where it is too weak, too strong, confusing, etc. I might redraft this with the intention to show friends after enough time has passed so they don't know who the characters are.

The Magi and The Dryad

robes of a winter's night
wrapping a deceptive frame
fool the fool who assumes
weakness, the strength lies
hidden inside parchment
quickly jump to nimble fingertips

hood drops, hair flutters
with the frozen breeze
fans in a flurry of soft black
expressionless face stares
the warm brown pigment
veiling serious contemplation

secrets of arcane knowledge
spiritual journeys inward and the
study of the stars above
all twist around snapping demons
fiends picked up on the road
or inherited from a line of blood

dryad spy hides in leaves
followed since the vicious fight
which left the enemies charred
power entrances the tree-spirit
the magi's silence serves
only to intensify her curiosity

through the moons she tracked
his face crept further to her
in those eyes, missed by most
resides a deadened ache
lasting through untold years
festering, stealing a resting smile

the magi converses with all
everyone who walks on the road
imparts words and fancy
he revels in a passerby's laugh
yet when that person leaves
the magi crawls back inside

and is he hermit or host?
the dryad knows not
this robed figure can point out
duality in another, however
does he see it within himself?
a human so conflicted

an approach, impossible
wariness of the wildness
keeps the magi far beyond
the length of a delicate arm
he's far too wise, far too aware
that arm could hold thorns

hood yanked again overhead
inspection of his pointed nails
dryad watches, the shoulders shrug
ignoring her intense gaze
the magi walks to the towered city
No trees to hide in there...

[Aspergers]

[A little long... sorry]

Hello. 


I'm a 25 year old genderfluid individual (assigned female at birth). I may also have an autistic spectrum disorder - awaiting the assessment by the specialist team and I am quite sure they will find I have either Aspergers or PDD-NOS. I would say, and have in fact read, that individuals on the spectrum can be more likely to suffer from PTSD and I imagine C-PTSD. The mixing of autistic meltdowns, shutdowns, and burnout with triggered C-PTSD events are... well, they are not pretty. 

In the past I was concerned that I had picked up BPD in the same manner as my abusive mother; although I know many pleasant individuals with that PD who are trying very hard to better themselves, my mother is not one of them.


About 22 days ago my partner of a year broke up with me and I suffered a spiral so severe that it shocked and scared me. I was mortified by some of the words I was saying, by my aggressive reaction (verbal) to my carer when he came to take me home, my refusal to leave unless they called the hospital or police, and then the horrifying realisation that I couldn't move. That's when the autistic-like shutdown occurred and I crumbled in on myself. My partner was still shouting at me at that point, saying that I was acting like my mother.

That last part was extremely hurtful because she is the beginning source to my C-PTSD. She would often threaten violence or death when "telling me off", bit my brother and I if we bit each other, emotionally neglected me, constantly belittled me, trashed my room to make me clean it, and tried to strangle me on at least four or five occasions - if others had not been there she probably would have killed me. A year ago when I was still in contact she put me in a pin-down while we were both drunk at my flat-warming. I was immediately and violently triggered, assuming I was once again fighting for survival. Apparently she calmly told all my shocked friends that she had done this whenever I had a tantrum as a child. Eventually she made it about her, "You hate me? Kill me then!" That would have been difficult as she still hadn't released me; I had resorted to weakly punching her in the head.

The police was called, she was made to leave, and she's been taking any chance to mess with me since then.

I have also been involved in an uncomfortable situation with a statutory rape case (I was the minor), being groomed by a paedophile who was trying to turn me into his side kick, many emotionally neglectful/abusive relationships of all forms, physical violence aimed at me when I was drunk by "friends", many abandonment scenarios, some sexual assault occurrences, and other fairly upsetting events.


Currently life is going down the toilet. My unofficial carer and friend is experiencing carer's burnout and recently explained that within a year he would be moving out of the flat. He'll be nearby and hopes to officialise his carer's status, but it's scary. 

As well as that, we don't know when we'll see the social workers, whether the disability benefits will push me up to the group I should be in (otherwise I could lose money due to government changes), when my autistic spectrum assessment is, when I'll see my psychiatrist for a new med review, and when we will be able to take my senile yowling cat to the vet for advice. Add that to my ex being dishonest about getting back in touch and prolonging the spiral, as well as self-destructive habits which I won't go into and which will be mentioned to my psychologist, and my mother's usual intrusion, and you can maybe see why I'm strung out.


I decided to join the site as I found it while looking for Out of the Fog in order to show my carer and, hopefully if he will listen as I think he is a sufferer too, my ex. It was great to see that there was a sister site with a support forum. I'm not sure what I will find here but I would like to give a bit of input now and then.

My main fear is engaging IN my bad habit of mentally weighing up others issues in my head and feeling as if I don't belong. 


Aside from my issues I like cats, writing, horror, fantasy, science fiction, and table-top gaming. I'm an INFJ and I'm Chaotic Good. ^_^


So, please be gentle.