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At times it is just impossible to feel whole. I'm 25 years old and constantly reminded that I'm in the prime of my life yet I feel awful. I feel so worthless and dirty because of those men. I can no longer live my life knowing what they did to me, I cannot accept it. I just endure hoping that the next day will be better. I have no idea how to be whole and how to be truly joyful.

So finding this forum has been my first actual step into finding my way out of this web associated with a dark past.

Now I'm interested in finding some support in my community. I'm not keen on therapy - yet - as I am not yet able to fully be open to my partner about the severity of what I am experiencing. I try to share with him what I can, but therapy is not yet something I am willing to do. But as a start, I am wondering if there is anything else that you can suggest? I am living in Switzerland but I suspect the resources here are similar to any other developed country.

What has helped you?

Hi keepfighting,

I haven't heard of Pete Walker and his website seems to have a lot of useful information - thanks!! EF is perhaps what I am experiencing...

The water drinking tip is useful, I usually sit down cross-legged, palms on the ground and try to reconnect. But drinking water is easier to do at work

Much thanks for the support.

Thanks all for your loving support.

@VerryFoggy The solidarity I feel having found a group of people who can understand the complexity of this mess is comforting. At times one feels so helpless and confused. It makes me sad to think about all of the other people who have suffered such unjust things and who are struggling with the same challenges in their everyday lives. I hope that with time, the ugliness will burn away for all of us and just as you say - in some way to find our way out.

@BeHea1thy Thanks for the welcome! I've read a bit about how things are done so thanks for that. I'm reluctant about therapy, but perhaps with time I can manage it. I have always managed to move forward with my life until now, somehow to keep the fear and shame in the background. But it looks like I'm being forced to confront some ugly things. I hope the road won't be too strange, but I'm keen to move down it if it leads to a stronger and fuller me.   

Hi all, I'm pretty new here so just learning the ropes.

I'm in a bit of a dark place, haven't slept properly in a few days because of strong dreams and when I'm tired I tend to have powerful memories that I leave my present moment.

I don't know much CPTSD but through reading a bit I've realized a lot of the criteria matches what I'm experiencing. I just feel so alone with hit, I can't focus on my work properly, I run daily to keep my health in check and I eat properly. But the motivation to do all of these things is leaving after a few months of exhaustion, vomiting (after having memories) and simply feeling alienated it's difficult to continue. I find myself having wine and drinking more than my usual amount. I find myself fantasising about hurting myself (I don't) and it's all-together unfamiliar and terrifying.

Can anyone give me some helpful tips as to how to deal with memories that are so strong you forget where you are? How to work on letting go of this deep shame and self-loathing I feel?

Hey everyone

I have come to this site after having a difficult few months behind me. I'm 25 years old and I have always known parts of my childhood were very abnormal. I was lucky enough to be born into a wealthy and loving family, which has provided me with a safe escape growing up. Unfortunately, my grandmothers partner (not my biological grandfather) entered our family when I was about 3 years old and made my life *. He was sick and was attracted to me. I don't remember when his behaviour first started, however it escalated and he would have sex with me regularly. It went further, that he took me to parties and allowed his friends to do the same to me, to physically beat me and use me as they saw fit. I believed this to be normal and that all girls experienced something similar and should never talk about it.

Of course, with time I realized this was not normal. I was often afraid and ashamed of myself and the things I allowed those men to do to me. I struggled to hide the wounds on my body and I had multiple pregnancies that my step-grandfather forcibly terminated. I was plagued with guilt, but managed to move forward. Upon his death about 8 years ago I was free and I believed my life would be peaceful.

I had always been driven to achieve, partially to prove to those men that I was not what they thought I was - a whore. I was awarded valedictorian at my school, entered university with a full scholarship, ran track and continued on with my life. I had difficulties sleeping sometimes and I often felt a lot of shame, but I kept it under control. I never enjoyed sex but took part in it as it was a natural part of a relationship. I have travelled the world and have recently started a position in a new city, with a foreign language, away from my boyfriend and I have started to have extreme problems. I don't sleep for multiple nights, I can't stop shaking when I have memories and multiple other challenges. I have a good friend who is therapist specialising in trauma (random luck) and she is supporting me - however, not as a therapist. I am reluctant to go see a therapist as I don't feel it is right for me. However, I am slowly working through things with my friend and I hope to find some peace soon. This is by far the most difficult and strange thing I have experienced. To feel such a lack of control and clarity.

I am not clear on what I expect from this site, perhaps a break from this alienation I've often felt. A place where I don't have to hide myself or pretend to be anything other than what I am. Or just to feel some support and compassion. I would appreciate anyone who has some experience to share their words and perhaps give me some hope for recovery because this prospect feels rather bleak at the moment.

Much love. xo