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I've got 5 mos sober. One thing I realized was that if I did drink, the next day I felt the most CRUSHING anxiety, dread and hopelessness! It was like my CPTSD was x 10. That is often what stops me. Just the thought of the next day's emotional torture, it really just isn't worth it anymore. Much love to you! Hang in there!!! Remember that acceptance is the key to your circumstances in the moment. I try really hard to stay in, or pull myself back into the present moment and try to not live in the future or the past. Be KIND to yourself, you have been through a lot and made it this far! We survivors are so much stronger than we often give ourselves credit for! Anything you can do for self care is so valuable 

I feel so much shame and guilt.  I have had the hardest year. I finished EMDR therapy a year ago. I felt so much better! I obtained my Real Estate license, started working, and recently my husband who is a corrections officer getting ready to retire in a few years got his so we can team up. In the past year, bit by bit I have felt myself effected again by my CPTSD symptoms. I denied it for quite a while, but my drinking to cope slowly increased, the stress at work has been gradually mounting (Left one boss because he was a narcissistic abuser with a personality disorder, joined another broker who is a good person but uses negative reinforcement to "motivate" Nothing is ever good enough (deadly for me) I eventually checked myself into rehab, have suffered my 1st DUI. I finally found a new therapist who takes my insurance and specializes in CPTSD Trauma Ive only seen her once and can only see her every two weeks as shes only in an area that I can reasonably drive two then. Im a perfectionist and have been holding my Real Estate career together by a thread. I am a singer/performer and have people hounding me to come back to performing. I am a bright sunny person that everyone seems to like....At an immense cost to me. I have 3 sons who are 18, 21 and 24. My oldest has aspergers and is a great kid but needs my guidance. My youngest struggles with anxiety and depression, he is very strong but me being like this is hurting him. My 21 year old is also awesome but is now spending most of his time at his girlfriends. My husband is AMAZINGLY supportive (my second. my first was a monster) Im thinking of making the decision to be at home for a while and transaction coordinate for my husband as he can step up and be the face of our Real Estate team. I feel terrified and guilty about doing this. I feel like a failure and a disappointment but I also feel if I don't Im going to come apart for real and I don't know what happens after that. Being around people makes me terrified, unsafe and want to panic and hide.