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I also yearn for the love in others I never received as a child. My bf can't fill that void and I am so inclined to get needy because I feel my emotional needs aren't being met. This further makes him get distant and push me away. What I am learning slowly is God is the love and Father I need. It's hard so very hard to deal with CPTSD and have all this pain for no apparent reason. But when I pray and read the Bible I do feel better. Sometimes it's best to take a break from those we expect to fill us up. And to lean on God not our own understanding.

Ibelieve: God wants us to seek Him; he isn't far away in a cloud somewhere, He is omnipresent and with it even when we are in pain. Even though life has been tragic. He gave us all free will. I think he allows us to suffer to seek him for comfort and not anything or anyone else. 

These are my beliefs and I take great comfort in them.

Since my parents as a kid they taught me rejection,fear and shame of not being worthy. It's followed me like a cloud. I've been sober a year but I sometimes still feel worthless. It is just a false reality though. It starts when I believe the lies. That I am not loved and I am a lost cause.

Then I remember verses in the Bible which point me to the truth that I am loved. That the old things like being abused by my mom before church for example have past away and have nothing to do with my relationship with God. I believe that faith in Jesus cleanses me of all anger, bitterness, and gives me hope that I am being healed. Even though the flashbacks come and go. I have strength.